Picture this:
You’re scrolling through your phone (maybe Instagram, maybe just looking for a contact) and you see someone’s name.
And immediately, that sinking feeling hits.
When was the last time I talked to them? Two months? Three? Four?
I should call them. I really should.
But… is now a good time? Are they at work? Are they doing school pickup? Are they too busy?
And honestly, it’s been SO long now. If I call out of nowhere, will it be weird?
Maybe I’ll text first to see if they’re free. But then I need to wait for them to respond. And by the time they do, I’ll be busy…
And just like that, another week goes by without calling.
Sound familiar?
Here’s what I want you to know: You’re not bad at friendship.
You’re just trying to manage the friendship mental load without any support. And that’s exhausting.
Meet Mark (And The App He Built Out of Desperation)
Mark Houghton is a software developer who moved from the UK to northern Italy with his wife.
Before that move, he’d built strong friendships during his years in research. But then those friends scattered across different cities and countries.
And Mark realized something: he was struggling.
Not because he didn’t care about his friends. Not because he was lazy or a bad person.
Because managing long-distance friendships without any system was really, really hard.
So he did what software developers do: he built a solution.
It’s called Soon Call, and it’s an app designed to help you track when you last talked to your friends and remind you when it’s time to reach out.
But this episode isn’t really about an app.
It’s about something bigger: Why do we feel so guilty about needing help staying in touch?
The Mental Gymnastics We’re All Doing
Let’s talk about what’s actually happening in your brain when you think about calling a friend.
You’re doing calculations. Constantly.
Mental Calculation #1: When did I last talk to them?
Was it two weeks ago? A month? Longer? You’re trying to remember. Scrolling through texts. Thinking back to your last conversation.
Mental Calculation #2: Has it been too long?
Okay, so it’s been… three months? Is that too long? For this friend? What’s our normal rhythm? Am I a bad friend now?
Mental Calculation #3: Is this a good time?
It’s 4 pm. Are they still at work? Or are they doing school pickup? Or commuting? When do they usually have free time?
Mental Calculation #4: Should I text first?
Maybe I should text to see if they’re free. But then I have to wait for a response. And by the time they respond, I might be busy. And then we’re in this whole back-and-forth scheduling thing…
Mental Calculation #5: What if they don’t answer?
Does that mean they’re mad at me? Or just busy? Should I try again? When?
By the time you’ve done all this mental math, you’re exhausted.
And you haven’t even picked up the phone yet.
So you don’t. You tell yourself you’ll do it tomorrow.
And the cycle continues.
Why We’ve Normalized Systems for Everything EXCEPT Friendship
Here’s something that blows my mind:
We have apps and systems for EVERYTHING.
Budgeting? There’s an app for that. Multiple apps, actually.
Fitness? Trackers, apps, programs, and coaches.
Work tasks? Project management software, calendars, reminders.
Meal planning? Apps, subscriptions, and delivery services.
But friendship? Nah, you’re just supposed to… remember. Naturally. Without help.
And if you can’t? You must be a bad friend.
That’s ridiculous.
Think about it: When you open your budgeting app and see that you’ve gotten four parking tickets this year, do you feel uncomfortable?
Yes. Absolutely.
But do you think: I’m a terrible person who’s bad at life and should just give up?
No. You think: Okay, I need to set a reminder to refill the meter. I need a system to support me here.
So why don’t we give ourselves the same grace with friendship?
The People Who Are “Good at Friendship” Have Systems
I talk to a LOT of people about their friendships. Like, a truly ridiculous amount.
And here’s what I’ve learned: The people who seem effortlessly good at staying in touch? They have systems.
Maybe it’s:
- ▪️ A Google Calendar with every birthday, anniversary, and important date
- ▪️ A notes section where they write things down about friends
- ▪️ Recurring reminders to call specific people
- ▪️ A physical planner where they track connections
- ▪️ Regular “friend admin” time blocked in their schedule
They’re not just magically remembering everything.
They’ve built structures to support themselves.
And when Mark created Soon Call, he essentially consolidated all those scattered systems into one place.
You can:
- ▪️ Track when you last talked to someone (call, text, in-person)
- ▪️ Set reminders for when you want to reach out
- ▪️ Add notes about what’s happening in their lives
- ▪️ Track important dates (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.)
- ▪️ Get gentle nudges to follow up after a call
It’s taking the mental load OFF your brain and putting it into a system that supports you.
The Stark Reality Check
When you add someone to Soon Call, it shows their name, followed by “Spoken 12 days ago” or “Spoken 3 months ago.”
And sometimes that number hits you like a truck.
Mark said something really important about this: “It can be quite challenging to see. And I think there’s obviously a balance to be had there. Our goal is not to stress people out. It’s just to try and help people be more intentional.”
But here’s what I want to say: That discomfort? It’s necessary.
Just like opening your budgeting app and seeing those parking tickets is uncomfortable.
Just like stepping on the scale when you’ve been avoiding it is uncomfortable.
The discomfort is part of developing the habit.
And nobody else has to see your Soon Call data. This is just for you.
It’s personal accountability. And if friendship matters to you, that accountability is worth the temporary discomfort.
Mark’s story about building a friendship system is full of practical gems. Hear it all in the full episode.
The Phone Call Problem We’re All Dancing Around
Okay, let’s talk about phone calls specifically.
Because Soon Call is designed to help you call people more. And I know some of you just cringed.
Here’s what’s happened to phone calls:
We’ve made them SO complicated.
Phenomenon #1: The text-before-calling
We text people to ask if we can call them. Even though… texting used to cost money per message, so we just CALLED people.
But now? We need permission. We need to schedule. We need to make sure it’s okay.
Phenomenon #2: The scheduling trap
If you schedule an hour call, and something eats into that hour? Reschedule.
Even if you still have 45 minutes. Even if you both want to talk.
The “perfect hour” didn’t happen, so the whole thing is off.
Phenomenon #3: The “I might be disturbing them” spiral
We convince ourselves that calling spontaneously is rude. Intrusive. Annoying.
Even though… when someone calls US spontaneously? We’re usually happy to hear from them.
We’ve overcomplicated this SO much.
And Mark said something brilliant: “How would you feel about it yourself, if somebody did it back to you?”
Most of us LOVE getting spontaneous calls. But we’re terrified to make them.
The Solution Is Simpler Than You Think
So what do we do about all this?
Step 1: Stop blaming yourself
You’re not a bad friend. You’re not failing. You’re just trying to manage something complex without support.
Step 2: Build a system (whatever that looks like for you)
Maybe it’s Soon Call. Maybe it’s a Google Calendar. Maybe it’s a notes app. Maybe it’s a physical planner.
It doesn’t matter what the system is. What matters is that you HAVE one.
Step 3: Have direct conversations with your friends
Ask them:
- ▪️ How do you feel about spontaneous calls?
- ▪️ What times generally work for you?
- ▪️ Do you prefer I text first or just call?
- ▪️ How often feels right for us to catch up?
Stop assuming. Start asking.
Step 4: Remember this truth: They probably won’t answer if they’re truly busy
Mark said this, and it’s SO important: “If they are really busy, they’re not going to answer.”
So just call. If they don’t answer? Move on.
You’re not being chased by a cheetah. Nobody’s going to die. It’s just a missed call.
Step 5: Let go of “perfect”
You don’t need the perfect hour. You don’t need the perfect time. You don’t need the perfect opening line.
You just need to call.
Even 10 minutes is better than the eight-day text thread you were about to have instead.
The Limitations of Texting (That We Pretend Don’t Exist)
Let’s be honest about texting for a second.
Texting has its place. Absolutely. It’s great for quick updates, logistics, sharing memes, and staying loosely connected.
But texting also:
- ▪️ Lacks vocal cues (you can’t hear tone, emotion, energy)
- ▪️ Stretches conversations over days instead of minutes
- ▪️ Creates opportunities for misunderstanding
- ▪️ Feels less connected than hearing someone’s voice
- ▪️ Requires you to be “on” for days instead of present for 20 minutes
Mark put it perfectly: “When I message friends, sometimes it can span over several days. It’s rarely a 20-minute window where we’re talking back and forth. And it just doesn’t feel the same.”
A 10-minute phone call can replace an eight-day text conversation.
And you’ll feel MORE connected after the call than after all those texts.
What About Voice Notes?
Okay, quick side note: I love voice notes.
I know they’re not everyone’s thing. But especially when there’s potential for misunderstanding?
Voice notes are the middle ground between texting and calling.
You get the vocal cues. You get the tone. You get the emotion.
And the other person can listen when they have time.
If you’re scared of phone calls, start with voice notes.
They’re training wheels for actually using your voice to connect.
Want more on how recurring calls and systems can transform your friendships? Listen to the complete episode for the full conversation.
The Recurring Call Strategy
Here’s something Mark does that I think is brilliant:
He has some friends who, at the end of every call, schedule the next one.
Right there. Before they hang up. They pick a date and time.
Then it goes in the calendar (or in Soon Call), and there’s no mental load of “when should we talk again?”
It’s decided. It’s scheduled. It happens.
Now, this doesn’t mean you can’t ALSO call them spontaneously. You absolutely can.
But having that recurring touchpoint removes so much friction.
And honestly? Whatever gets you to actually call the person is the right strategy.
Spontaneous? Great.
Scheduled? Also great.
A mix of both? Perfect.
There’s no one “right” way. There’s just YOUR way.
How Long Is Too Long?
Mark and I talked about this, and his answer was perfect:
“It’s very personal to the friendships.”
Some friends, you might want to talk to every week or two. Others, you might not talk to for six months. And when you do, you pick up right where you left off.
Neither is wrong. They’re just different.
But here’s the key: You need to know what feels right for each friendship.
And when you have data (when you can actually SEE “it’s been 4 months since we talked”), your gut will tell you.
Oh, that’s too long. I need to call them.
Or: Actually, that’s fine for us. We’ll catch up when we catch up.
The number itself isn’t the point. The awareness is.
The System Mark Built (And Why It Matters)
Okay, so let’s talk specifically about Soon Call for a minute.
Because I think what Mark’s done is take all the scattered friendship systems people have been DIY-ing and put them in one place.
You can:
- ▪️ Track when you last connected (call, text, in-person, video)
- ▪️ Set reminders for when you want to reach out
- ▪️ Add notes about what’s happening in your friend’s life (John’s dog went to the vet, remember to ask about it)
- ▪️ Track important dates (birthdays, anniversaries, their kid’s birthday, their partner’s birthday)
- ▪️ Get notifications when it’s time to call
- ▪️ Get a follow-up nudge after a call to log how it went
Basically, it takes the mental gymnastics OUT of your head and puts them into a system.
And here’s what Mark said that really hit me:
“I think realizing that people who are doing really well with this most likely have a system that they’ve built… It’s helped me be nicer to myself about the difficulty of maintaining friendships.”
Read that again.
The people doing well have systems. This is HARD without support.
So stop beating yourself up and start building support structures.
Your Turn
So here’s what I want you to do:
Step 1: Acknowledge the mental load
Just notice it. Next time you think “I should call [friend],” pay attention to all the calculations your brain does.
How much energy are you spending on friendship gymnastics?
Step 2: Pick ONE system to try
Maybe it’s Soon Call (Mark’s offering 6 months free to Friendship IRL listeners at sooncall.com/alex).
Maybe it’s a Google Calendar with reminders.
Maybe it’s a notes app where you track important dates.
Pick ONE thing. Try it for a month.
Step 3: Have ONE direct conversation
Pick one friend. Ask them directly:
- ▪️ How do you feel about spontaneous calls?
- ▪️ What times generally work for you?
- ▪️ How often feels right for us to catch up?
Stop assuming. Start asking.
Step 4: Make ONE call this week
Not a text. Not a voice note. An actual call.
Maybe it’s spontaneous. Maybe it’s scheduled. Maybe it’s someone you talk to all the time or someone you haven’t talked to in months.
Just make one call.
And notice: Was it as hard as you thought it would be?
The Truth We Need to Hear
Here’s what I want you to take away from this episode:
Managing friendships is REAL work.
Tracking when you last talked to people. Remembering important dates. Knowing what’s happening in their lives. Figuring out good times to call.
That’s mental labor. And it’s exhausting to do it all in your head.
You’re not bad at friendship; you just need help with this.
You’re human.
And humans have always used tools and systems to support what matters to them.
So why not friendship?
Stop feeling guilty. Start building support.
Your friendships are worth the system.
Ready to take some of the mental load off? Mark is offering Friendship IRL Listeners 6 months of free access to Soon Call Pro. Head to sooncall.com/alex to claim it. Even if you don’t use Soon Call, build SOME kind of system. Calendar reminders. Notes app. Physical planner. Whatever works for YOU.
Want to hear more about friendship systems and habits? Go back and listen to Episodes 23 and Episode 60 where I talk about friendship goals and how to actually build sustainable friendship habits. They’re linked in the show notes.
Ready to build your own friendship system? Tune into the full episode for all the strategies and stories shared above.
