Maybe I should start this episode by telling you what inspired me to record an entire episode about friendship pet peeves.
Because I want to tell you: I am not mad at any of my friends.
Nothing they have done recently has inspired this episode.
I want you to know that real fast before we get into it.
How I Come Up With My Episodes (The Behind-the-Scenes)
Let me tell you how I come up with most of my content.
Talking about your friendships online is a delicate balance.
I am in real, active relationships with these people.
So sometimes, if it’s something I did (if it’s a reflection about my own actions in a friendship), sure, I might record a pretty real-time episode or post.
But if I’m on the receiving end? If I have a frustration with a friend?
I’m probably not posting that in real time.
Because can you imagine me just coming on here and being like: “Let me tell you about what so-and-so did”?
That would ruin all of my friendships.
So I definitely do not want to do that.
What I Actually Do
But sometimes, as I’m experiencing different scenarios in my friendships, I do record them. Journal them. Collect my thoughts on them.
Sometimes it’s voice memos. Or writing. Or a quick video I record for myself.
And I keep that all tucked away in my own private place.
I’ll go back and reference it. I’ll use it sometimes (with some specifics) in my episodes.
Other times, I’ll sort of generalize the story.
Some of you also send me messages, emails, or voice memos. And I keep generic notes on those, too.
So sometimes it’s actually one of YOUR stories. You never know.
Why I’m Telling You This
The thing is: I think a lot of people might assume I’m recording this episode because my friends have been doing something that’s driving me nuts.
And that’s really not the case.
What Actually Inspired This Episode
The thing that inspired today’s episode? Last week’s episode.
If you haven’t listened, I recorded an episode about friendship guilt.
I talked about those negative thoughts that spiral in my head. And I’m sure in plenty of yours as well.
Where I’m like: I am such a bad friend. I should have done that. I should have been there. I should have said that. I should have responded to that.
Lots of shoulds. Just shoulding all over myself.
And it ends up being a guilt-trip spiral where I almost don’t want to take the action because I feel so bad.
And I have to explain why it’s taken me this time to do it. Or why I couldn’t do it.
It’s just a whole thing. (Go listen to that episode.)
The Flip Side
But when I was thinking about that episode, I thought: Okay, those are the negative thoughts I have about MYSELF as a friend.
What about the negative thoughts I have about MY FRIENDS?
Because let’s be honest: Those exist.
Now, sometimes those negative thoughts are bigger problems.
But normally they’re just small things that add up over and over and over again.
They’re pet peeves.
The Thing About Pet Peeves
Here’s what’s interesting about pet peeves:
It could be a blanket thing that frustrates you about all your friendships.
But if you sit down and think about it, I bet there are things that are pet peeves of one friend that another friend is ALSO doing…
And it doesn’t frustrate you.
Have you ever thought about that?
I’m going to come back to that later in this episode.
The Universal Experience
The other thing I think is interesting about these pet peeves (these negative thoughts we’re having) is this:
There’s probably an endless list. I’m going to give a bunch of examples today. I could probably record on this for a year and come up with new examples.
But at the same time, while there are endless variations (endless combinations that create these pet peeves) there are also SO many universal experiences.
Things that when I started thinking about this and writing out a list, I was like: Wow, that gives me a visceral reaction in my body.
Because I’ve experienced that before.
And I’m sure many of you out there have experienced it as well.
So I’m going to list off a couple of examples. And we’ll see.
Because a lot of us are having these frustrations.
The Examples (Let’s Get Into It)
Now, these may not be your exact ones. But we all have pet peeves.
Let’s just be honest about that. We all have frustrations.
The Phone Scroller
Here’s one:
You meet up with a friend for coffee. You’ve been trying to get together for a while. You finally find a time.
You’re sitting face-to-face. You’re telling your friend something important.
You’re really pouring your heart out here.
And they seem engaged. They seem invested in hearing about you. They’re listening. Paying attention. Nodding.
And then you both hear it.
Well, maybe you feel it. Because their phone vibrates on the table.
And without even thinking, they absentmindedly pick up their phone and look at the notification.
And they click on it.
So subtle. You’re still pouring your heart out here.
They’ve clicked on the notification. Now they’re just half-scrolling.
They’re nodding. They’re looking at you. But they’re also looking down at their phone.
Maybe you’re not even pouring your heart out. Maybe you’re just having a conversation.
But that could be a pet peeve. That could drive you nuts.
That your friend, in the middle of you talking, picks up their phone and absentmindedly starts scrolling.
The Thumbs Up Response
Here’s another:
You’ve been going through a really hard time. Your friend asks how you’re doing via text.
You spend the time to sit down and really write out a thoughtful response.
About what’s going on. How it’s making you feel. What you’re doing to work through it.
You’re sitting there. Maybe they respond quickly. You see those three dots.
And all you get back is just one letter: “K.”
Maybe you don’t even get that. Maybe you just get a thumbs up.
You’re like: Why did they even ask me how I was doing? Did my message even matter?
The Last-Minute Canceler
Another common pet peeve: The friend who always cancels at the very last minute.
You have 6 pm plans.
At 5:45, they text you:
“Hey! So excited to see you.”
But you know there’s a second text message coming. You’ve experienced this so many times.
“But tonight’s not going to work out. I had something come up. Any chance you can meet up next week?”
What about the friend who’s always like that?
The “Let’s Get Together Sometime” Friend
Or: “Yeah, let’s get together sometime!”
And it never happens.
The Non-Reciprocating Host
A common pet peeve I hear about: Someone who won’t reciprocate hosting.
Now I want to stop here for a second.
Because some of these examples I’m giving you, I’ve recorded full episodes on.
I’ve talked about how to reframe your beliefs on this. How certain things. I don’t make them a big pet peeve. I let it go.
For the hosting example, I’ve talked before about how maybe your friend just isn’t the one who’s going to host. That’s not their strength.
And they do something else that you don’t do. And both are positive contributions to your friendship.
Maybe you can just allow that to be.
But what I want to tell you is this:
Just because I’ve learned how to let go of this pet peeve doesn’t mean you have to.
You get to have your frustrations. You get to have the things that drive you absolutely up the wall.
And that’s acceptable.
So when I record those episodes (those reframes) maybe they land with you. Maybe you can let it go. Find a new way to look at it.
And maybe you can’t. And that’s okay.
These pet peeves are just the beginning. Listen to the full episode to hear all the examples and why “just cut them off” isn’t the answer.
The Juicier Pet Peeves
The ones I gave you before were a little simpler. Something you could maybe have a casual conversation about.
But we can get into some juicier pet peeves.
The One-Upper
Like: The friend you sit down with and share your rough day with.
And before you can even really get through your story, they’re like: “Let me tell you about MY day.”
And suddenly this entire get-together is all about them sharing their bigger story. Better story. Worse story. Harder story.
The Friend Who Never Asks
Or similarly: The friend who never asks about your life.
But you sit there every time you get together and listen to every detail of their job drama. Their family issues. Their dating life.
They don’t ever really ask about you.
The Oversharer Online
Another one: A friend who posts everything online.
Everything. Everything they’re doing. All the time.
And for some reason, when you get together with them, they don’t even acknowledge that you got together.
The Advice-Giver (I’m Guilty of This One)
Here’s one I’m guilty of. And I’m going to talk more about this later in the episode.
The friend who’s just always giving advice.
Again, I have a whole podcast where I talk to you and give advice. So it’s not a far stretch to believe that at one point in my life, I was the friend who, anytime a friend told me their problem, I would just jump in with what I would do.
With my thoughts. With what I’d seen work. With solutions.
I just wanted to fix it.
And really, all my friends needed to hear was: “Wow, that sounds really hard. Are you okay?”
I had to learn that the hard way.
The Money Pet Peeves
There are endless money pet peeves.
The friend where it’s like: “Oh, I’ll get you next time.”
And next time just never seems to come. And the bill you feel like you’re paying adds up.
Or: The friend who’s always suggesting hangouts that are incredibly expensive. Even though you’ve made it clear you’re currently in saving mode.
They just don’t seem to take that into consideration.
The Emotional Vampire
There are emotional labor-related pet peeves.
The friend who’s just kind of an emotional vampire.
Every time they show up, they really just drain you of your energy.
Everything they have to tell you is over-the-top. In the middle of the night. In the middle of your workday.
Another emergent crisis. They’re calling you multiple times.
And then when YOU have a problem, they turn around and say:
“Oh, well, I’m just too drained to handle that right now.”
And it never seems to be a space where they have capacity for what’s going on in YOUR life.
The “Everyone Else Is My Best Friend” Friend
Maybe there’s a friend who’s always mentioning their other best friends.
Everyone else in their life seems to be a best friend. And yet they never refer to you that way.
You leave every hangout wondering: Is there some sort of hierarchy here? Do I just not matter? Everyone else matters more than me?
You feel confused.
If Any of These Landed…
I’m sure at this point, at least one (if not multiple) of these friendship pet peeves have landed.
And like I said: There are endless options. I could list off so many more.
But what I hope you’re starting to see is this:
Everyone has these. These are very normal thoughts.
The Problem With “Just Cut Them Off” Culture
As I’m reading these off (as I was brainstorming them), my thoughts kept coming back to this:
We live in a place where quite often, if somebody never asks about you, for example, those quick little social media posts out there will tell you:
“Just cut them off. They’re not a good friend. Just move on. Find someone else.”
And the question I always ask is this:
It’s a lot of work to make a new friend. A LOT of work.
A lot of people don’t want to do it.
But we know we need friends, community, and connection.
So maybe the work we should be doing instead is: Navigating conflict. Creating a culture of feedback in our friendships.
And that’s what I’m trying to get at here with the pet peeves episode.
This is normal.
Sure, some things are unforgivable. I can’t tell you what your pet peeves are that are like: I just can’t do this anymore.
But what I can tell you is this:
If you’ve had a pet peeve for a really long time with a friend, and you’ve never addressed it (never talked about it or given feedback on it) that’s partially on you too.
Because at the end of the day, We’re all annoying each other.
Everyone has frustrations with their friends. Negative thoughts that come up.
And the real problems arise when we let those little negative things keep adding up.
Another one to the pile. And another. And another. And another.
Until it’s too big.
We feel overwhelmed by the frustration we’re carrying. And we just want to drop the whole friendship.
The Reframe: Feedback Culture
Maybe this is a good reframe for you:
If we can create a feedback culture in our friendships (where it’s okay to say “Hey, this is really bothering me, can we talk about it?” and where it’s okay to have conflict…
If we can develop that and do that work, you know what that’s saving you from?
It’s saving you from all the overthinking.
Like: If you’re leaving hangouts with friends and your brain is running with all the things they might be mad at you about. Things you might have said. Things you might have done.
Instead of letting your brain run wild and trying to anticipate things that may not even be bothering your friends…
If you can create that feedback culture and trust it, then what that means is:
If something’s bothering your friend, they’ll just mention it.
And you’ll both do the work to try and make the shifts.
And vice versa. It goes both ways.
Building a feedback culture in your friendships is a game-changer. Tune into the complete episode for the three steps to actually doing it.
How to Create a Feedback Culture (Three Steps)
So if you want to shift into this feedback culture with your friends, here are some ways to do that:
Step 1: Don’t Wait
Don’t wait until it becomes a massive problem.
At the point where you notice the issue (where the pet peeve is in your awareness, because it’s probably happened a few times before you’re even aware of it) when you see that pattern, try and mention it.
Step 2: Think About WHY It Bothers You
If you’re like: How do I mention it?
Take some time to actually think about the issue.
For example: If the frustration you have is that your friend is always looking at their phone when you hang out, take a step back and be like:
Okay, well, WHY does that frustrate me?
And the answer is going to be different for everyone.
That’s why I’m saying there are endless combinations here. People might have the same pet peeve, but the reason you have it might be different than somebody else.
Example: The Phone Thing
You might be frustrated that your friends are always looking at their phones because you have really limited time together.
You only see each other in person for one hour every few months. That’s not a lot of time.
And you really love this friend.
So when they’re splitting their attention with their phone, you’re losing out on the precious time you already have.
But someone else could have a pet peeve about looking at their phone for a completely different reason:
Maybe they’re always looking at their phone for work purposes. And now you feel like work is more important than your friendship.
Or maybe they’re talking to another friend. And you’re like:
I want to work on OUR friendship. I want to be in this friendship. And you’re half out already, talking to somebody else.
Everybody’s reasons are different.
Why This Matters
So what is YOUR reason?
Because once you know that, you can come back and talk about how you FEEL instead of this being an accusation.
Instead of: “You’re always looking at your phone.”
You can say: “I always feel like I’m competing with our other friends. And I just really want to hang out with you. Our time is so limited.”
See how that comes from a different space?
Step 3: Leave Space for Their Response
My final thing here: Just leave space for their response.
So often, I think when we give feedback, we want our friends to immediately accept it. To change. To acknowledge it. To apologize for it.
And when that feedback culture develops. Sure, maybe that can be an expectation.
But in the beginning, where this is new and we’re figuring out how to do this and navigate conflict in our friendship…
Your friend might not take the feedback that well.
They might be a little defensive.
They might be like: “Well, I’m sorry that I have other things going on.”
They may say something that they’ll later apologize for.
Or maybe they just need time to reflect on this. Because they’ve never noticed their own pattern.
Give People Time
In the beginning, give people some time.
That’s all I got to say.
If they’re doing this in other relationships (familial, romantic, work relationships), they might be faster.
But if you’re the first person introducing this, it’s going to take them some time.
Try to allow for that.
Look at Yourself (The Flip Side)
I also think it’s always great to look at the flip side. To look at yourself.
I’m going to give some of my personal examples here. Some personal reflection time on Alex.
One way to create that feedback culture in a friendship could be to have those conversations. Say that “I feel like” statement. Try to work through it.
Another way is to look at the flip side. Look at yourself.
My Example: Terrible at Responding to Texts
Maybe your friends have made a comment.
In my case: I’ve talked about how I’m terrible at responding to text messages in a timely manner.
I’ve talked about it on the podcast and really want to work on it. Because I want to be more consistently connected to my friends.
And therefore, I need to change my behavior.
Some of that is me and my own friendship guilt: how I want to be in my friendships (last week’s episode topic).
But some of that is also: Friends have said subtle things.
They’re not even passive-aggressive. They’re just like…
One time, a friend told me they wanted to invite me to something, but then they didn’t.
Because they basically figured I wouldn’t see the message in time. I needed to respond in an hour or two.
And that hit me.
I was like: Oh wow. Okay.
And that’s not even direct feedback. They’re just telling me the reality of why I didn’t get invited to this thing.
So listen for those.
My Example: The Advice-Giving Problem
Another thing I noticed over time. When I had that advice-giving problem where I couldn’t stop myself. I started to notice that friends told me about their problems less.
And when I’d ask, they kind of changed the subject.
And I had to take a moment and step back and be like:
Oh wow. Okay. The times they DO talk to me. There are fewer now. But I really need to show up differently.
I need to show up and validate their feelings instead of jumping in and trying to fix it.
And I made a very distinct effort to do that.
I really tried to show them. Not saying I’m perfect. It’s definitely something I’m still working on.
But I put in the energy and the effort.
These Weren’t Even Direct Conversations
And those things weren’t even like a direct conversation.
It was just me paying attention to things where I was like:
Oh, I don’t want that. And I could see how that would be annoying.
Like: I could see how it would be annoying to want to invite your friend to things but then never invite them because they’re not going to respond back when you want to hang out with them.
What I Want You to Take Away
This is another one of those episodes where I don’t have an overarching solution for you.
We’re all going to have pet peeves with our friends. I think that’s normal.
It’s acceptable to be annoyed sometimes.
It’s also acceptable to give feedback. To have it take a little while to work through these things. To try and dig deeper. To ask for understanding as we’re working on it.
We’re All THAT Friend Sometimes
At the end of the day, We are all those friends sometimes.
That friend who causes a little bit of annoyance in our friendship or friend group.
It’s bound to happen.
So instead of trying to be perfect, I’m trying (I hope you’re trying) to just work through it when it does happen.
And the growth comes from the awareness. It comes from wanting to do the work.
To have these conversations. To be in the conflict. To be active in the relationship.
Your Action Step
Maybe what you take away from this episode is that you try to voice a frustration you have with a friend.
It doesn’t need to be some big blow-up conversation. In fact, I hope it’s not.
I hope you’re getting to it before it’s reached that point.
A better one to start with is something that isn’t the absolute peak of your annoyance level.
Something that isn’t so frustrating that it’s going to set you off.
Something you can actually have a level-headed conversation with a friend about.
Give it a try. Bring it up.
Even if it’s simple, like acknowledging that my friend wanted to invite me and didn’t because I didn’t respond. Maybe they’ll pick up on the cue.
But I would just say: Give it a try.
Because we all know that sitting on the pet peeves and holding them in. That’s definitely not serving anyone.
At some point, you either have to blow up and end the friendship, or just continue to sacrifice your own boundaries, time, or sanity.
I’ll say this:
Try addressing one small pet peeve. See what happens.
Because the alternative (letting it pile up) isn’t working.
Have a friendship pet peeve you’ve been sitting on? Share it in the comments and let’s see if others agree with you.
If any of these pet peeves hit home, listen to the full episode here for a better way forward than just stewing in frustration.
