I was standing in my kitchen this past weekend, looking around at the party we were hosting.
And I realized something:
There were more people in the room who WEREN’T drinking than people who were.
Not because we didn’t have alcohol available. We did.
Not because anyone felt uncomfortable drinking around me. They don’t.
But because in our friend group, choosing not to drink (for any reason, any night) has become completely normalized.
I watched one of our friends walk in solo parenting that night. His partner had another commitment.
“Hey, can I get you something to drink?” I asked, opening our beverage fridge.
It’s stocked with everything: sparkling water, Spindrift, NA beer, NA cocktails, and yes, regular beer and wine too.
Without thinking twice, he grabbed an NA beer.
“Solo parenting tonight,” he said casually. “Don’t need the added stress of alcohol.”
And that was it. He walked back out to the party.
I doubt anyone commented on it. And if they did, it was probably just: “Oh yeah, you’re here with your kids tonight. Cool.”
No explanation needed. No justification required. No awkwardness.
This is where we are now.
But let me tell you… it wasn’t always like this.
My Journey to Not Drinking (And Why It Matters)
I haven’t had a drink in about a year and a half. Maybe two years? Honestly, I’ve kind of lost count.
Not because I’m in recovery. Not because I had a “problem” with alcohol in the traditional sense.
But because I have chronic health issues that are severely exacerbated by alcohol.
I’m taking nine rounds of medication a day. NINE.
If there’s anything else I can do to support my healing journey, like cutting out alcohol completely, it’s not even a question.
But here’s the thing: I was never really a big drinker to begin with.
Even in college, I was usually the one nursing a single drink over the course of a very long night. Or just drinking water.
Alcohol has never worked with my body. I just didn’t know WHY until recently.
So I’ve been navigating “not drinking in a drinking culture” for a long time now.
And what I’ve learned is this:
When you decenter alcohol from your friendships, something beautiful happens.
Your hangouts get MORE creative. MORE fun. MORE unique.
Because you’re not relying on the same old script of “Hey, want to grab drinks?” or “Come over and bring a six pack.”
You’re forced to actually think about what you want to DO together. How you want to CONNECT.
And your friendships become stronger because of it.
The College Years (When I Had to Fight for My Place)
Let me take you back to college Alex.
I’m 22. Everyone around me is drinking. A LOT.
And I just… can’t.
My body doesn’t handle it well. Even one drink makes me feel terrible.
But I still want to be INCLUDED. I still want to hang out with my friends.
I have very vivid memories of demanding, DEMANDING, that I be allowed to play drinking games with water.
Because the alternative was sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else have fun.
Or not coming at all.
And that didn’t feel fair.
“Do you not want me here?” I’d ask when people pushed back. “Because that’s another option, I guess. But it doesn’t seem fair that I can’t participate in the activity just because I’m not going to chug beer all night.”
I was literally leading a campaign with my friends to let me play beer pong with water.
And you know what? Eventually, it worked.
But I’m not going to lie. It took time. There was pushback. There were awkward moments.
Because alcohol was so ingrained in how we socialized that the idea of someone NOT drinking felt… weird.
Not because my friends were bad people. But because this is what our culture teaches us.
Socializing = drinking.
Fun = drinking.
Connection = drinking.
But that’s just not true.
The Spectrum Nobody Talks About
Here’s what I want you to understand:
It’s not just “you have a problem with alcohol” or “you don’t.”
There’s an entire spectrum.
Some people are in recovery and can’t be around alcohol at all.
Some people have health issues (like me) that make drinking a bad choice.
Some people are triggered by drunk people because of childhood trauma. (Yeah, that one hits deep for me too. Laughs awkwardly. That’s where that reaction came from.)
Some people are pregnant or breastfeeding.
Some people are on medication that doesn’t mix with alcohol.
Some people are solo parenting that night and don’t want the added stress.
Some people just don’t feel like drinking tonight.
And ALL of those reasons are valid.
But you won’t know where someone falls on that spectrum unless you ASK.
The Questions That Change Everything
If you have a friend who doesn’t drink (whether that’s all the time or just sometimes) here are the questions you need to ask:
Not in a therapy session way. Not making it a big deal.
Just a simple, caring conversation to understand their boundaries.
Question 1: Is it okay to go to a venue that centers around alcohol?
Like a bar? Some people are totally fine with it. Others (especially those in recovery) might not want to be in that environment at all.
Don’t assume. Ask.
Question 2: How do you feel about other people drinking around you?
Does it bother you if people get drunk? If people are really intoxicated, is that triggering?
For me? I don’t care at all. I’ll go to a bar and drink water or soda water with lime. No problem.
But not everyone feels that way.
Question 3: Are you uncomfortable if someone offers you alcohol?
If someone says, “Can I get you a glass of wine?” does that make you squirm? Is it an issue in your recovery journey?
This helps you know whether to run interference for them at parties.
Question 4: What if someone pressures you to drink?
How do you feel about that? How do you handle it?
Because if pressure is a problem for them, you can be their backup.
When they say “No, thank you” and someone pushes back with “Come on, you KNOW you want a drink,” you can step in:
“Hey, man, they said no. Move on.”
Why These Questions Matter (Beyond Just Being Nice)
When you ask these questions and then actually FOLLOW THROUGH with supporting your friend’s boundaries?
You’re building something deeper.
If you’ve listened to my podcast before, you know I talk about my Roots of Friendship framework (Episode 12 if you want the full breakdown).
Here’s what’s happening when you support a non-drinking friend:
You’re building emotional intimacy roots by finding out this vulnerable information about them and making space for it.
You’re building story roots when you back them up at a party and tell someone to knock off the peer pressure.
Because in that moment, your friend thinks: “Wow, they really support me in my choices.”
That’s a belief they now have about your friendship.
That you see them. That you respect their boundaries. That you have their back.
And that makes your friendship stronger.
How We Got Here (The Evolution)
So how did my friend group go from “drinking is the default” to “more people choosing NA than alcohol at a party”?
It took time. And intention. And a lot of small shifts.
Shift 1: I Started Offering All Options as Equal
When someone comes to my house, whether it’s a dinner party, game night, watching football, whatever, I offer drinks like this:
“Can I get you anything to drink? Water, sparkling water, Spindrift, soda, beer, wine?”
Notice: I list the non-alcoholic options FIRST.
Because I want someone who maybe DOES enjoy a glass of wine but tonight just doesn’t feel like drinking to know: It’s totally okay to make your own choice.
I never want someone to opt out of a hangout with me because they think they HAVE to drink.
I don’t want alcohol to ever be the reason you feel like you can’t come over.
We share the four key questions to ask friends who don’t drink and how our own approach evolved. Listen to the full episode to hear the whole story.
Shift 2: We Made NA Options Fun (Not Lesser)
I can’t drink anything right now. And honestly? Sometimes I get bored of just drinking water.
So I started stocking fun options:
- ▪️ NA beers (friends bring them and leave them at my house, so now we have quite an assortment)
- ▪️ Mocktails (I love a phony Negroni, a Parch margarita)
- ▪️ Fun sparkling flavors
- ▪️ Bitter sodas
- ▪️ Even just… a squeeze of lime or an orange slice in water
It’s a small delight when you’re drinking water all the time.
And when I offer these to guests, I say: “Hey, would you like one of these?”
Just like I’d offer a beer or a glass of wine.
No hierarchy. No “Oh, you POOR thing, you can’t drink, here’s your sad little sparkling water.”
NA options are EQUAL options.
Shift 3: We Turned NA Taste-Testing Into a Group Activity
This one’s actually really fun.
Someone sees a new NA beer or mocktail somewhere and picks up just ONE to try.
We bring it to a hangout, open it up, and split it into 4-6-8 little tastings for whoever wants to try it.
Everyone tastes. We discuss. We rate it.
If we like it, someone brings a full pack to the next function.
It’s become this whole thing. And it’s made trying new NA options feel exciting instead of like… a consolation prize.
Shift 4: We Got Way More Creative with Hangouts
When alcohol isn’t the CENTER of your social life, you have to actually think about what you want to DO together.
And honestly? It’s made our hangouts so much better.
Here are things we do now that don’t center alcohol:
- ▪️ Workout classes together
- ▪️ Going on walks (simple but underrated)
- ▪️ Going for drives (I know this sounds silly, but we used to do this in high school, and it’s actually really nice as adults. Pick a viewpoint. Play music. Just talk.)
- ▪️ Running errands together (the opposite of whimsical drives, but still quality time)
- ▪️ Craft nights
- ▪️ Camping and hiking
- ▪️ Museums
- ▪️ Game nights at home
- ▪️ Watching sports at home (where it’s easier to control what’s available and who’s invited)
The point is: There are endless options that don’t center alcohol.
And as you start to decenter it, it becomes clear: Drinking was never the point. Connection is the point.
Why This Makes Friendships STRONGER
Okay, so you might be thinking: “That’s great, Alex, but how does this make friendships BETTER?”
Here’s how:
It Builds More Shared Experience Roots
In my Roots framework, one type of root is “shared experiences”: the things you do together, the activities you’re comfortable with.
When alcohol is the center of your social life, you have ONE main shared experience root: drinking together.
But when you decenter alcohol and start trying new activities?
You build MORE roots:
- ▪️ Hiking together
- ▪️ Museum visits
- ▪️ Game nights
- ▪️ Craft projects
- ▪️ Workout classes
And the more shared experience roots you have, the more resilient your friendship becomes.
Because if your friend stops drinking, you have other ways to hang out.
If someone gets injured and can’t hike anymore, you have other options.
You’re not dependent on ONE activity to maintain the friendship.
It Makes Space for People to Show Up as Themselves
When someone can choose not to drink (for ANY reason, ANY night) without explanation or judgment?
They can show up more authentically.
They’re not:
- ▪️ Drinking when they don’t want to just to fit in
- ▪️ Opting out of hangouts because they don’t feel like drinking
- ▪️ Feeling anxious about being “the only one” not drinking
They can just… be themselves.
And when people feel safe being themselves in your friendship?
That’s when the real connection happens.
It Removes Barriers to Showing Up
Think about this:
Maybe you’ve had a bunch of work functions lately where there’s been wine at each one.
It’s been six nights in a row of having a glass or two.
And you’re just… tired of it.
But you have a dinner party invitation for tonight.
Do you go?
If you think you HAVE to drink at that dinner party, you might opt out.
But if you know the host will offer you sparkling water with the same enthusiasm as wine?
You’ll probably go.
That’s what I want. I want to remove ANY barrier to people showing up.
What to Do If Your Friend Group Isn’t There Yet
Okay, so maybe you’re reading this thinking: “This sounds amazing, Alex, but my friend group is NOT like this. Alcohol is super central to everything we do.”
I hear you. And I want to tell you: It’s an evolution.
Start With Yourself
You don’t need your whole friend group to change overnight.
Start by being the person who:
- ▪️ Brings NA options to parties
- ▪️ Doesn’t comment when someone chooses water over wine
- ▪️ Backs people up when they get pressured to drink
- ▪️ Suggests activities that don’t center alcohol
Model the behavior you want to see.
Want to know how to bring this up with your friend group? Tune into the complete episode for practical scripts and creative hangout ideas.
Have the Awkward Conversations
If you’re the one who doesn’t want to drink (or wants to drink less), you might need to advocate for yourself.
I had to do this in college. It was uncomfortable. But I kept pushing.
“Do you not want me to come? Because it feels like you’re saying I can’t participate unless I drink, and that doesn’t seem fair.”
You might get pushback at first.
Not because your friends are bad people, but because this is so normalized and ingrained.
It takes time for a culture to shift.
And that’s what you’re doing: shifting the friend group culture.
One drinking game at a time, played with water.
Look for the People Who Get It
As you start advocating for yourself or supporting non-drinking friends, pay attention to who responds positively.
Who immediately says: “Oh yeah, of course you can play with water!”
Who stocks NA options at their parties without being asked?
Who backs you up when someone pressures you?
Those are your people.
And if your current friend group doubles down and refuses to make space for non-drinking?
That might be a sign it’s time to add some new friends to your life.
I’m not saying abandon your current friends immediately. But maybe start putting energy into finding people who are more aligned with how you want to show up.
Be Patient (But Persistent)
Culture shifts take time.
The first time you suggest doing something that doesn’t center alcohol, your friends might push back.
That’s okay. Keep suggesting.
The first time you choose an NA option at a party, people might comment.
That’s okay. Keep choosing it.
The first time you back someone up when they’re being pressured, it might feel awkward.
That’s okay. Keep backing people up.
Eventually, it becomes normal.
The Moment I Knew We’d Made It
You know how I knew our friend group had really shifted?
That moment at the party this past weekend.
Our friend walked in, solo parenting. I offered him a drink. He grabbed an NA beer without hesitation.
And nobody said anything.
Not because they didn’t notice. But because it was completely normal.
He wasn’t explaining himself. He wasn’t justifying. He wasn’t apologizing.
He was just making the choice that worked for him that night.
And everyone else? They were just happy he was there.
That’s the goal.
Not that nobody drinks. But that drinking is ONE option among many… not THE option.
And whatever someone chooses, for whatever reason, it’s met with: “Cool. Glad you’re here.”
What This Looks Like in Practice
Let me give you some specific examples of how this plays out in our friend group now:
At Parties I Host:
- ▪️ I stock the beverage fridge with equal amounts of alcoholic and NA options
- ▪️ When I offer drinks, I list NA options first: “Water, sparkling water, Spindrift, soda, beer, wine?”
- ▪️ If someone brings alcohol, I always make sure there are NA options too
- ▪️ Nobody comments on what anyone else is drinking (or not drinking)
When We Go Out:
- ▪️ We choose venues that aren’t ONLY bars (restaurants, coffee shops, activity spots)
- ▪️ If someone suggests a bar and someone else is uncomfortable, we pivot without making it a thing
- ▪️ We back each other up if someone gets pressured to drink
- ▪️ We leave if people are getting too intoxicated and it’s triggering for someone
When We’re Planning Hangouts:
- ▪️ We suggest activities that don’t center alcohol: hiking, museums, game nights, craft projects
- ▪️ If we ARE doing something with alcohol available, we make sure NA options are abundant
- ▪️ We check in with people about their comfort levels without making them explain their whole life story
It’s become second nature.
The Questions You Might Be Asking
“But what if I LIKE drinking with my friends?”
You can still drink!
This isn’t about removing alcohol entirely. It’s about making it ONE option among many.
You can have your beer. Your friend can have their NA beer. Everyone wins.
“Isn’t it awkward to ask someone about their drinking boundaries?”
It can feel vulnerable, yeah.
But here’s what I’ve learned: Most people are RELIEVED when you ask.
Because it means they don’t have to bring it up themselves. They don’t have to explain unprompted.
You’re giving them space to set their boundaries.
And you can ask in a really neutral way:
“Hey, I want to make sure I’m being a good friend. Are you comfortable going to places that serve alcohol? How do you feel about other people drinking around you?”
You’re not expecting one answer or another. You’re just looking for information.
“What if my friend group thinks I’m being ‘too much’ about this?”
If your friend group thinks you’re being “too much” for wanting to include people who don’t drink…
That might tell you something about your friend group.
Look, I’m not saying immediately abandon everyone. But pay attention to who’s willing to make small adjustments and who’s digging in their heels.
The people who are willing to evolve with you? Keep investing there.
“I’m worried I’ll lose friends if I stop drinking.”
This is a real fear. And I’m not going to lie. Some friendships might shift.
But here’s what I’ve found:
The friendships that are ONLY held together by drinking? Those probably weren’t that deep to begin with.
The real friendships? They’ll adapt.
It might take some time. There might be awkward moments. But if the friendship is solid, it’ll survive you not drinking.
And honestly? It’ll probably get stronger.
What I Want You to Take Away
If you’re someone who doesn’t drink (or wants to drink less):
You’re allowed to take up space in your friendships exactly as you are.
You don’t need to apologize. You don’t need to over-explain. You don’t need to make yourself small.
Your presence is enough.
And if your friends make you feel like you need to drink to belong? Those might not be your people.
If you’re someone who wants to be a better friend to non-drinkers:
Ask questions. Make NA options equal. Back people up. Get creative with hangouts.
It’s really that simple.
And I promise: Your friendships will get MORE fun, MORE creative, and MORE resilient because of it.
If you’re someone who’s building a friend group culture from scratch:
You have the opportunity to set the tone from the beginning.
Make it normal to choose NA. Make it normal to suggest activities that don’t center alcohol. Make it normal for people to show up however they need to that day.
You’re creating something beautiful.
The Evolution Continues
I’m not going to pretend our friend group is perfect or that we’ve figured everything out.
We’re still learning. Still adapting.
But what I know for sure is this:
Decentering alcohol from our friendships has made them BETTER.
More creative. More inclusive. More resilient. More authentic.
And it started with small shifts:
Offering NA options first.
Not commenting when someone chooses water.
Backing people up when they get pressured.
Suggesting new activities.
One small shift at a time.
Until suddenly, you’re standing in your kitchen at a party, looking around, and realizing:
More people aren’t drinking than are.
And it’s completely, beautifully normal.
That’s the goal.
Not that nobody drinks. But everyone feels free to show up exactly as they are.
And whatever they choose, for whatever reason, is met with:
“Cool. Glad you’re here.”
If this topic matters to you or someone in your life, listen to the full episode for everything we covered on making friendships work without alcohol.
