What do you do when you feel like you have too many friends?
I know. I KNOW that sounds like the most privileged problem in the world. Especially from someone who spends most of her time talking about how to get out of loneliness, how to build the support you need, how to not feel like you’re going through life alone.
But hear me out.
If you have ever felt RESENTFUL opening a text message, or EXHAUSTED thinking about maintaining all of your relationships, or GUILTY because you just can’t keep up with all the connections in your life, you’re not alone. And you’re not doing anything wrong.
Last week, I was at a networking event, and I ran into one of you. (By the way, if you ever see me in person, please come say hello. Pretty please.)
She approached me and said, “Hey, I listen to your podcast. And it’s so exciting we get to talk in person because there’s been something I’ve wanted you to cover.”
She told me, “As I’ve gotten older, I feel like I’ve amassed too many friends. Especially as I’ve tried to grow my business. And as I’ve moved. And as my friends have gotten new jobs and met new people. And their connections have grown and I’ve met cool people there. But I’m starting to feel resentful every time someone invites me to do something fun or messages me or asks for help with something. I just feel like I can’t keep up.“
This is SO REAL. And it’s not talked about enough.
She asked me, “What advice would you give?”
I gave her a short two-minute answer. But I’m going to expand on it today. Because the advice I gave is NOT the advice you might expect.
A lot of people would expect me to talk about how to tighten your circle. Choose the friendships that matter. Talk about which ones to leave behind. How to rank your friendships. How to close in.
But that’s not my message. That’s not my platform. That’s not my belief. That’s not how I live my life.
So we have to push past that. And we have to challenge a belief that I feel is so deeply rooted for so many people.
That belief is this:
We always need to show up in the same way in all of our friendships.
Is that really the best way to handle your friendships? Is it okay if you give something different to one friend than you do to another?
Because here’s my preview for the thesis of this episode: Part of the reason we feel burnt out is because we feel like as we add connections to our lives, we need to keep showing up the EXACT SAME WAY. Like if we did one nice thing for one friend, we should be prepared to do that for everyone.
But everyone may not need that.
The All-or-Nothing Friendship Model
I love to talk about this idea of the all-or-nothing friendship model. (I have multiple episodes about this: Episode 13, Episode 33, and probably many more.)
So often, we have this all-or-nothing mindset. And I get why.
When we were younger—when we were in what society tells us is our “prime friendship era” (elementary school, high school, college, maybe our young 20s)—friendship WAS kind of an all-or-nothing thing.
We were taught that the way we showed up for one friend, it was only kind to show up that way for another friend.
But the problem was that our worlds were really SMALL.
We went to high school. We went home to our parents. Maybe we went to a place of worship or a community group. We saw our parents’ family friends. We saw our friends. But our friends were ALSO the people we went to school with or were in clubs with.
We had very limited choice in our connections. We also didn’t have a lot of responsibility.
You were a daughter, son, or child. You were a high school student. Maybe you were the soccer captain, the head of the robotics team, or just another face in your high school. But you didn’t have the NUMBER OF ROLES you have now as an adult.
If I think of my roles right now, I am a wife. I am a friend. I am a daughter. I am an auntie. I’m a business owner. I am a community member. I am an author. I am a podcaster. I am a friend.
I could probably go on and on if I really sat down and wrote it out.
I have ALL of these titles. I have way more roles than I did in high school.
My world as an adult is SO MUCH BIGGER. I have so many more responsibilities. I have more people I have to interact with because of those responsibilities. Therefore, I am naturally connecting with more and more people.
And that is a GOOD and NECESSARY thing.
When I go into these spaces in one role or another, it’s POSITIVE that I walk in and feel a sense of belonging. Because I know people. Even if they aren’t my closest people, I still want to know them. I want to feel welcomed and safe, and understand who those people are and have some sense of belonging in those spaces.
But if I try to go into every community space I’m in, every networking group, and treat it like my friendships in high school, don’t you see how we’re getting burnt out?
Back then, I may have had three roles and five close friends. I had basically one (maybe two) communities: my high school community and my sports community.
Now I have, let’s call it, 15 roles. And in each of those spaces, I have a variety of people. They’re not all my close friends.
But even when I go to, let’s say, a Toastmasters group, I DO have some people I’m closer with in that group than in other spaces. And then the rest of the room—I have maybe four close friends (maybe not close friends, we’ll call them DEFINED friends) in my Toastmasters group. And then I have another 40 acquaintances. Faces in the crowd. People who make me feel familiar. They make me feel welcome. They make it feel like a space where they are the COLOR in the room.
If I tried to show up the same way for those four defined friends and those 40 acquaintances in the same way that I show up for my very PRESENT friends (and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, go listen to Episode 100, my Wheel of Connection), no wonder I’m getting burnt out.
We DO need variety in our connections. We can’t just have three or four people the way we did in high school. Because we have so many roles. We deserve people who support us in all the areas of our life.
And some of those people will be our closest, most present friends. And others will be the color in the spaces we go. They will be the reason a meeting at work feels familiar. They will be the reason a community event feels welcoming.
We know these people. But we don’t need to treat them the EXACT SAME WAY as the people in our inner circle.
If you are somebody who is equalizing all your relationships and trying to treat them the same way, no wonder you’re burning out.
Our goal today is not necessarily to have FEWER connections, but to be more DISCERNING about how we show up in our connections.
The complete episode digs so much deeper into why we default to this all-or-nothing approach, including the real conversation at that networking event that sparked this whole episode, and the moment I realized I was asking the wrong question about how many friends is “too many.” If you’ve ever felt guilty for not being able to keep up, you need to hear this.
Step 1: Get Clear on Your Strengths and Natural Rhythms
This is SO underutilized by people, but SO impactful.
Spend a little time—go on a walk, sit down with your favorite beverage, enjoy a nice sunset, wherever you do your best thinking (bathtub, shower, I don’t care)—spend a little time thinking about: What are you really good at? And how do you enjoy showing up for people?
Be proactive about understanding how you help others. And what are some things you could do in a very EASY way?
I’ve talked about this before: I enjoy cooking. So if somebody needs a meal, it’s very easy for me to double a recipe I’m already cooking (because I’m probably already cooking) and share that with them.
Versus, I have friends who DON’T enjoy cooking. They should NOT sign up for that task.
My husband, Michael, is a tax accountant. If somebody in our life has a really simple, basic question about something tax-related, it probably takes him 60 seconds to answer that. Versus somebody spending an hour Googling.
I, personally, should NOT answer a single one of your tax questions. Do not come to me with your tax questions. I cannot help you. I’ll probably give you the wrong answer. And it would require me an hour of Googling things I don’t understand to answer your question in the first place.
But if somebody comes to me with a tax question, I’m like, “Hey, I DO know a person who could probably answer that in 60 seconds.”
I know where I show up and where I don’t.
Another example: I was a wedding planner for over 10 years. The other day, an old friend of mine (I’ve seen her a couple of times in the last five years; we do NOT talk all the time, we are very aware of how simple our relationship has become, but we were really close a decade ago) texted me because she recently got engaged.
She said, “Hey, I’m thinking of doing X, Y, and Z for my wedding. What do you think?”
It took me 60 seconds to answer her question. It would have taken her HOURS of research.
These are things I am very good at. I enjoy cooking. I don’t know if I enjoy wedding planning that much (just don’t make me do it), but I’m happy to answer questions. It’s kind of fun to flex my knowledge muscle.
They don’t feel like that much extra work.
The takeaway: Think about what YOUR wheelhouse is. It doesn’t need to be the same as mine. And when you can do that, it makes it easier to not force yourself to be everything to everyone.
It makes it easier to see where you might be able to show up for someone. And I personally think that when we get really clear, and we KNOW what we offer to people, it makes it easier when a friend asks you for help in some area that is NOT your wheelhouse.
My friend asked me about a tax thing. I don’t feel guilty when I’m like, “Hey, I can’t really help you with that.” Because I know all the places I WOULD show up for them in an instant. And maybe in the past month, six months, year, the places I HAVE shown up because there was something in my wheelhouse.
So today, tomorrow, this week, this month: Take a second and get clear on what your strengths are. Know them. And then SHARE them.
Let other people know. Tell people, “Hey, I know a lot about how to repair cars. I think it’s kind of fun to do that puzzle. If you ever have questions about repairing your car, let me know.”
Offer it up. Put it out there.
Give yourself permission to not be good at everything and to not feel like you have to show up for everyone in the exact same way.
Play to your strengths.
Step 2: Understand the Role You Fill for Each Friend (And They Fill for You)
Other than your blanket wheelhouse (those things you’re good at for everybody), I also think it’s helpful to understand the ways you show up for CERTAIN FRIENDS and the ways THEY show up for YOU.
Start with your closest people. You can’t do every relationship at once. But as you start to do this with your closest friends, maybe you think about it with certain communities you’re part of, or family members, or acquaintances, or people who are new friends you’d like to be closer to.
But to start: Pick just your few closest friends. And then do this two-part exercise.
Part 1: What role do you fill for them?
I’m going to give you a couple examples.
I’ve talked on this podcast before about my friend who lost her husband last year. We live a few hours apart. I do NOT live within driving distance of her.
I would love to be able to take so much stuff off her plate and fix everything. But that’s not possible.
So I’ve had to really think about: What CAN I do for her?
And the way I show up for her is NOT necessarily how I show up for my other closest friends.
What I decided is that the best thing I can do for her is change the settings on my phone so that she ALWAYS rings through. Always. And when she does call, no matter what I’m doing, I will walk out of the room and I will answer the phone.
So I told her, “I obviously can’t be the person who always just shows up at your house or helps pick up your kids because I don’t live near you. But what I CAN do is: everybody deserves to have a person they can call and know that it will ring through. You bypass all Do Not Disturb. If you call me at 3:30 in the morning, my phone will ring. If I am in the middle of podcast recording right now, my phone will ring even though it’s on Do Not Disturb. You can always get ahold of me. And I can be that person for you since you’ve lost that main person.”
And then to take it a step further: I will answer WHENEVER.
Last month, I was at a holiday party. I’m in this room full of people. Normally, if somebody was calling me, I would have let it go to voicemail and called them back the next day.
But because it was HER calling me, I walked into another room and I answered the phone. And I said, “Hey, what’s up? I’m at a party, but talk to me.”
And we talked for 10, 15 minutes while I just sat in this bedroom all by myself. And I came back out. My friends who were at the party were like, “What was that?”
Because normally I would NOT walk out of the room.
And I told them, “This is the role I can currently fill for my friend. I will always answer the phone for her. But I probably wouldn’t do that for you.”
Those friends in that room? I don’t have them set to bypass my Do Not Disturb.
I also was out to lunch this past week. I was at a work lunch. And this friend who can bypass my Do Not Disturb? I got a FaceTime call.
I am sitting at a table at a work lunch. And I answer the FaceTime. I held it really close to my face (because I don’t love being a public FaceTimer). And I said, “Hey, I’m at a work lunch, but is everything okay?”
She goes, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just wanted to talk about…” And I said, “Okay, I’ll call you as soon as I’m done.”
The people at the table were like, “Alex is a public FaceTimer?!”
And I got off the phone and I told them, “This is my friend who lost her spouse. And the role I can fill for her right now is: if she needs somebody, she can always call me and I will always answer. And if she had said, ‘It’s an emergency, I need to talk,’ I would have gotten up and walked out of that restaurant and talked to her instead of my business meeting.“
That is a role I can fill for her. But not necessarily for everyone else.
Part 2: What role do they fill for you?
I have another friend. She’s a good work friend of mine. Jokingly, I call her my “work wife.”
I’ve known her for a really long time. I know her spouse. I know her children. She knows Michael. She’s met some of my other friends. I’ve met some of her other friends.
But I wouldn’t really call us these kind of all-consuming friends. We don’t invite each other to go on joint family trips or things like that.
We fill a very specific WORK role. That’s what she fills for me. If I have a work problem, or I need somebody to go to a networking event with me, I call her. And I know that.
But I don’t necessarily call her for every Friendsgiving and every weekend hangout. And that’s OKAY.
We have accepted that we are very much each other’s work person. That’s where we lean on each other.
The next level: Once you’ve realized what the roles are that they fill for you and you fill for them, if you want to take it another level, HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT IT.
Chat with your friend and be like, “Hey, I’ve been really thinking about the ways I show up best for you and you show up best for me. These are my thoughts. What do you think? Do you feel like that is correct from your side? Are there other things I’m not thinking about? What are our biggest priorities? If we were going to do the most to show up in very specific ways for each other that made the biggest impact, what are those ways?”
And you know what? It might change over time. It’s probably 100% likely it will change over time. And then you’ve created a space where it’s OKAY to have conversations when it does change.
“Hey, you used to be my person I went to for work things. Now I’ve changed jobs. Now I just want to hang out with you for fun.”
Things might shift in your friendships. That’s okay.
But right now, if you feel overwhelmed, what are the top things you can prioritize?
This framework – getting clear on the top one or two ways you show up for your people and committing to those core things – should let you trust that you ARE showing up for your people in the ways that matter most. And give you some relief when you do have to say no.
In the full episode, I share even more examples of how I’ve had these conversations with friends… including the exact words I used when I told a room full of people at a holiday party why I walked out to answer a phone call, and how that honesty actually deepened those friendships instead of creating awkwardness. If you’ve been struggling to give yourself permission to show up differently for different people, this one’s for you.
Expand This to All Your Relationships
Once you’ve narrowed this in with your closest friends, you can EXPAND this. You can apply this to all of your relationships.
Think about your work relationships. What areas of work are you teammates on a project and you really need to work well together? Is it just someone you bounce ideas off of? Is it somebody you’ve committed to networking together with so you don’t have to walk into these networking events alone?
Think about community groups. What role do you fill? Are you the person who’s PR and out in the community talking about it? Are you the behind-the-scenes organizer? Are you the advocate? Are you the safe space everyone can come talk to and you always listen?
(But maybe if you’re the listener, you don’t ALSO need to be the person doing all the admin work for the group.)
Think about your networking connections. If you go to a networking group, is it just that you show up every week? Is it that you help people make connections? Are you the person who’s very welcoming to everybody? Are you the person who takes new people under your wing?
Think about your family connections. What are the top things you can do for each other?
Think about your neighbors. Your acquaintances.
Not everyone needs the same level of investment. Your acquaintances don’t necessarily need the same level of investment as your neighbors or your closest friends.
You might be a little more okay saying, “Hey, I try my best at showing up for you in this way, but it’s probably gonna slip through the cracks.”
Versus maybe your closest neighbor, you really prioritize. When they ask you for a ride or to borrow something or to grab their mail, you’re gonna do everything you can to make that happen.
Some people are that inner circle closest. You’re going to spend the most time. You’re going to give that the most priority. And you’re going to maybe have a variety of roles you fill and prioritize.
Then you have your regular supporter people. You have specific roles. Regular contact. You’re going to do your absolute best. But maybe you wouldn’t wake up at 3 AM and answer their phone call. But you would definitely call them back within an hour or two the same day.
And then you have contextual friends or familiar faces. People where, because they create a sense of belonging, you’re always going to show up and be that listening ear or do your best to be that admin person. But this is your permission to let some relationships be LIGHTER. Not every relationship needs to have that “must do the thing, be the role.” You’re just going to do your best to do it sometimes.
The Permission You Need
If you’ve been operating under this assumption that you need to show up for all the people in all the ways as you add more connections to your life, and that you must be doing something wrong because you’ve collected too many connections, I want to remind you:
We all deserve support from a variety of places that support our various roles and interests and beliefs and values.
I’m really proud of you for building that variety into your connections.
And if you’ve reached a burnout, it may not be the NUMBER of connections. It might be your APPROACH to those connections.
Your world is getting bigger. And that’s a GOOD thing.
More connections means more support, more belonging, more color and richness in your life.
But only if you show up in a way that feels SUSTAINABLE.
So you get to decide how you show up. And different relationships will get different versions of you. And that’s okay.
For the full conversation, listen to the complete episode. It might completely change how you think about the connections in your life.
