Christine Hetzel was 29 years old, lying comatose on her living room sofa, staring at the ceiling.
She can still remember the texture of that couch fabric. The way it felt against her skin as she lay there thinking: This is not the life I wanted.
She had a stable job. A stable marriage. All her basic needs were met. By most measures, everything was… fine.
But it didn’t feel fine. It felt small. Limited. Like she was watching life happen instead of actually living it.
And then, like she did most nights, she turned on the TV and watched Friends.
That’s when it hit her: Wait. How come they’re living their lives, and I’m not?
Sure, it was a sitcom. Sure, it was fictional. But the feeling was real: that desire for connection, for spontaneity, for a group of people who just… got you. Who you could hang out with without it being a production. Who made life feel full.
Christine wanted that. Desperately.
But instead of living it, she was watching it. Night after night. Episode after episode.
She was living vicariously. And she was tired of it.
The Universal Experience We Don’t Talk About Enough
If you’ve ever found yourself in Christine’s position (envious of the life you’re watching someone else live), you’re not alone.
Maybe for you it’s not Friends. Maybe it’s:
Scrolling Instagram and seeing someone away for the weekend with a big group of friends, posting in real time, and you find yourself checking in obsessively because you want to know where they’re going, what they’re doing, and if everyone’s having fun. You almost feel like you’re there with them.
Binge-watching your latest feel-good series and getting so emotionally invested in the fictional characters and their friendships that you’re genuinely sad when you reach the last episode. Because it feels like your friendship hangout just ended.
Listening to a friend or acquaintance tell you about a recent trip or gathering, and you ask so many questions that by the end, you kind of feel like you were there. You can picture it all so vividly.
Living vicariously feels safer than actually putting yourself out there.
Because when you’re watching someone else’s life (whether it’s on TV, social media, or through their stories), you can’t be rejected. You can’t fail. You can’t be awkward, say the wrong thing, or show up and have nobody talk to you.
You can just… want it. From a distance. Where it’s safe.
But it’s also incredibly lonely.
The Excuses We Make (That Feel Very Real)
When Christine had her wake-up call at 29, she didn’t immediately spring into action.
First, she made excuses. Really good ones. The kind that feels completely valid and insurmountable.
“I don’t work in a field where I interact with a lot of people. And everyone makes friends at work, so I can’t do that.”
“I work in the psych field, and there are confidentiality issues. I can’t go out in public and risk running into patients. I can’t be free.”
“I don’t have children. And everyone else makes friends through being parents. That’s how it works.”
Sound familiar?
Maybe your excuses are different:
- ▪️ “I’m too busy with work/kids/family.”
- ▪️ “I’m an introvert, and this stuff doesn’t come naturally to me.”
- ▪️ “I’m not good at small talk.”
- ▪️ “Everyone already has their friend groups established.”
- ▪️ “I’m too old to make new friends.”
- ▪️ “I don’t live in a place where it’s easy to meet people.”
Here’s what Christine realized: Those excuses weren’t entirely wrong. They were based in reality.
She DID work alone. She DID have confidentiality concerns. She DIDN’T have kids.
But here’s the question that changed everything:
Were those sufficient reasons for her NOT pursue something more?
Were those excuses worth staying on that couch, watching other people (even fictional ones) live the life she wanted?
The answer was no.
The “Enough Is Enough” Moment
Christine told me there were two pivotal moments in her journey.
The first was that quarter-life crisis at 25: lying on that couch, feeling the texture of the fabric, thinking this can’t be all there is.
But she didn’t act on it yet. She sat with that feeling for FOUR MORE YEARS.
It wasn’t until 29 (watching Friends for the hundredth time, feeling that familiar pang of longing) that something shifted.
She was about to enter her 30s, and she didn’t have anyone she could really call a friend.
“I felt like my life had become very routine in a bad way,” she told me. “I go to work, I come home, I watch TV. And I’m watching these fictional characters have the connections I’m craving.”
That was her “enough is enough” moment.
And here’s what I want you to know: We all have that moment at different times. Some people have it at 25. Some at 29. Some at 45. Some at 67.
The moment itself doesn’t matter as much as what you do with it.
Taking the Scary First Step
So what did Christine do?
She Googled. (This was back when Google was giving away lottery winnings for searches, apparently. She didn’t win money, but she says she won something better.)
She found something called Meetup.com. A platform where people create groups and… well… meet up.
“I was like, I don’t really know what this is, but it’s kind of exactly what I want. I want to meet up with people.”
But here’s the thing: She couldn’t find exactly what she was looking for.
She wanted to meet other people in relationships who didn’t have kids. People who had a bit more freedom with their time and wanted to make friends.
So she did something that terrifies most people:
She created it herself.
She started a meetup group. Planned a first event at a bowling alley. Sent out invitations to strangers on the internet.
And then she waited to see if anyone would show up.
“I had a lot of people RSVP, and it was exciting and scary all at once.”
People showed up.
Not just a few people. A LOT of people.
“I realized there’s something to this. There are more people who are longing for this exact same type of connection.”
In the full episode, Christine and I talk much more about what those first scary steps actually felt like for her and what kept her going when things didn’t go perfectly. If you’re someone who’s been wanting to put yourself out there but can’t quite bring yourself to do it, her story will really resonate. Listen to the complete episode here.
Building Something Bigger Than She Imagined
Christine didn’t stop at one bowling night.
She kept going. And kept going. And kept going.
They started meeting multiple times a week. Different activities for different interests: art galleries, microbreweries, bicycling through trails, whatever people wanted to try.
The group grew to over 500 couples.
Five. Hundred. Couples.
Let that sink in for a second.
This woman, who was lying alone on her couch at 29, convinced she couldn’t make friends because of her job and lack of kids, built a thriving community of over 1,000 people.
“Everybody’s in the same shoes,” she told me. “They all have the same justifications or excuses for not making friends, but we’re all craving it. I just had to put myself out there.”
And that’s really the key, isn’t it? Putting yourself out there.
Not perfectly. Not with all the answers. Not with a guarantee it’ll work.
Just… doing it.
The Lessons That Changed Everything
As Christine built and maintained this community, she learned some things that completely transformed how she approached friendship. And I think these lessons are what we all need to hear.
Lesson #1: Don’t Take Things Personally
When you’re organizing gatherings or creating community, people will RSVP and not show up. They’ll cancel last minute. They’ll ghost.
And it’s SO easy to take it personally. To think they don’t like you, or they’re disrespecting your time, or you did something wrong.
Christine learned to let that go.
“I started to see that sometimes I’ve had to ‘flake out’ on my friendships too. I was in a caregiving role for my father, who had a debilitating stroke. Sometimes I’d forget to change my RSVP because I was trying to figure out if insurance would pay for his rehab.”
Life happens. People get busy. It’s rarely about you.
“I also know from working in psychology that it can be paralyzing (very anxiety-provoking) to meet up in a new place at a new time with new people.”
When you’re the person creating community, holding space, organizing gatherings, you have to give people grace. Because you have no idea what they’re dealing with behind the scenes.
And that grace? It makes you a better friend. To everyone.
Lesson #2: Be Curious About What Lights People Up (Not Just What You Have In Common)
Here’s a rule Christine implemented in her meetup group that I LOVE:
No talking about what you do for work.
“I asked folks that when they came to the meetup, they didn’t just rest on the laurels of what they did for a living. Because it doesn’t allow connection. You could tell me what you do all day long, but if I don’t share that field, I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s all Greek to me.”
(Side note: I will die on this hill with Christine. Stop asking people what they do for a living to get to know them. Your job is not your identity.)
Instead, Christine encouraged people to talk about what they were passionate about. What lit them up. What excited them.
And here’s where it gets interesting:
Most of us approach meeting new people by looking for commonality. What do we have in common? How are we similar? Do they like what I like?
Christine flipped that.
She approached people with curiosity about what made THEM excited, whether or not she shared that interest.
She told me a story about having dinner with her husband’s coworker and the guy’s wife. The husband was quiet, probably not thrilled about having to socialize with people he barely knew.
They spent most of the evening asking him about his metal band.
“I grew up listening to some metal because my dad did, but it’s not something I keep up with or know a ton about. But he was so lit up talking about the instruments he uses, where they’re playing, concerts they’ve been to. I couldn’t tell you most of what we talked about specifically, but I vividly remember how engaged we all were.”
Because passion is contagious.
When someone lights up about something (even if you don’t share that passion) their energy is magnetic. The conversation flows. Everyone feels seen and heard.
“Instead of asking ‘what does this person bring for me?’ ask ‘what can I learn from this person?’” Christine said. “Every interaction is a wonderful opportunity to learn something.”
Or, as I’d add: Every interaction is an opportunity to let someone feel SEEN.
And that feeling? That’s more foundational than friendship. That’s belonging.
Lesson #3: Create What You Wish Existed
This might be the most important lesson.
Christine couldn’t find what she was looking for, so she created it.
And yes, that’s work. That’s effort. That’s putting yourself out there in a vulnerable way.
But you know what the alternative was? Staying on that couch. Watching Friends. Living vicariously.
“I allowed myself to put in the work because I knew it would pay off,” she told me.
And here’s what’s beautiful: When you create something, you’re not just helping yourself. You’re helping everyone else who was looking for the same thing.
Those 500+ couples? They were all sitting on their own couches, making their own excuses, wishing they had friends.
Until Christine created a space for them to show up.
That’s the ripple effect of taking action.
In the full episode, Christine shares even more about the lessons she learned from building her community, including specific things she said and did that made people feel welcome even when they were nervous. If you’re someone who wants to create connection but isn’t sure where to start, this part of the conversation is worth a listen. Hear the full episode here.
Lesson #4: Let Friendships Evolve (And That’s Okay)
Here’s something Christine said that I think we all need to hear:
“I think not allowing yourself to grow stagnant in your friendships is really important.”
That meetup group? Eventually, Christine got divorced. (Nothing to do with the group, but suddenly the “couples” aspect wasn’t as relevant to her life.)
Some of those friendships evolved. Some didn’t. And that was okay.
“I’m still friends with quite a few people from that group, but we evolved past that one common ground that initially brought us together.”
With one friend, their connection evolved into a shared love of hip-hop music. Now they meet up for Sunday afternoon performances.
With others, the friendship was for that season and naturally faded.
And both are fine.
“I think that sounds like Ariana Grande’s ‘thank u, next’ but that’s not what I’m saying,” Christine laughed. “Just being okay that friendships aren’t necessarily going to be where you’re exchanging lockets and friendship bracelets and meeting together when you’re 80.”
Not every friendship has to be a lifelong, best-friend-forever situation to be valuable and meaningful.
Some friendships are for a season. Some evolve into something different. Some stay consistent for decades.
All of it is okay. All of it has value.
What Happened Next (Spoiler: She Did It Again)
Christine’s story doesn’t end with the meetup group.
Because remember: she let that friendship evolve, too. When the couple’s group no longer fit her life, she didn’t just stop.
She found her next passion: running.
And when she couldn’t find a running group that worked for her? She created one.
“It was literally just: Hey, this is my network. Can you guys let me know if you have any friends looking for somebody to run with? Because I need more of that in my life.”
That group evolved on its own, too.
“The connections I made through running became so pivotal for my friendships. I think there’s something about running with people: having these really tough discussions while you’re doing this almost meditative, rhythmic movement. It creates this unique space for connection.”
Now Christine is what she jokingly calls a “friendship matchmaker”: constantly connecting people in her running group who she thinks would get along.
“If I meet someone on Wednesday who has a lot in common with someone else, I’m like ‘You HAVE to come to Saturday’s long run because this person will be here and you guys have so much in common!’”
She’s still creating community. Still taking action. Still refusing to live vicariously.
The Truth About Taking Action
Here’s what I want you to understand:
Christine isn’t special. She’s not more outgoing or more confident or more naturally gifted at friendship than you are.
In fact, she told me, “I would have definitely considered myself growing up more of a wallflower. Very studious. A bit of a bookworm with maybe a little extrovert hiding behind it all.”
Her mom was the extroverted one. The one who could “become friends with a pet rock.” Christine watched from the shadows, admiring but also envying that ease.
She had to learn this. She had to practice. She had to push through fear and discomfort, and the voice in her head saying “this won’t work.”
And you know what? Sometimes things DIDN’T work.
Sometimes people didn’t show up. Sometimes events flopped. Sometimes friendships didn’t develop the way she hoped.
But she kept going.
Because the alternative (going back to that couch, back to living vicariously) was no longer acceptable.
What’s Keeping You On The Couch?
So here’s what I want to ask you:
What’s your version of watching Friends and wishing you had that life?
Is it scrolling through Instagram and feeling envious of other people’s friend groups?
Is it binge-watching shows with tight-knit friend circles and feeling that pang of longing?
Is it hearing someone tell a story about their weekend and wishing you had been there?
And more importantly: What excuses are you making?
I don’t have kids. I work too much. I’m too introverted. I’m not good at small talk. Everyone already has their groups. I’m too old. I’m too busy. I don’t know where to start.
Those excuses might be based on reality. They might feel completely valid.
But are they sufficient reasons to keep living vicariously instead of actually building the life you want?
Because here’s what Christine proved:
You don’t need to have it all figured out. You don’t need to be perfectly extroverted or have unlimited time or know exactly what you’re doing.
You just need to:
- Decide you’re done living vicariously
- Take one small action (Google something, join a group, create a group, show up somewhere)
- Keep going even when it’s scary or imperfect
That’s it. That’s the whole formula.
Your Turn
I’m not saying you need to start a 500-person meetup group. That’s not the point.
The point is: Stop waiting. Stop watching. Stop living vicariously.
Take one small action this week:
- ▪️ Google “[your interest] + [your city] + meetup”
- ▪️ Join one online group or forum related to something you’re curious about
- ▪️ Reach out to one person and suggest getting together
- ▪️ Show up to one event even though it’s scary
- ▪️ Create one gathering, even if only three people come
Just do something.
Because here’s what I know for sure: The life you’re watching other people live (whether on TV, social media, or through their stories) is available to you too.
You just have to be brave enough to step off the couch and go build it.
In the full episode, Christine and I go even deeper into her journey from that couch to building a community of over 500 couples, and what she learned along the way about friendship, connection, and showing up for yourself. If you’re someone who knows you want more but keeps putting it off, this conversation might be exactly the push you need. Listen to the complete episode here.
