Picture this:
You’re sitting there with your phone. Staring at a text thread with your friend.
And you realize you’ve had the exact same argument three times in the past month.
You’re frustrated. They’re frustrated. You both keep saying you’ll work on it.
But nothing actually changes.
You love this person. But right now? You kind of can’t stand them.
So what do you do?
Ghost them? Break up with them? Suffer through it and hope it gets better?
There’s actually another option: A friendship pause.
And no, this isn’t ghosting. It’s not a breakup. It’s not the silent treatment or a passive-aggressive power move.
A friendship pause is an intentional choice to create some space.
Space to reflect. Space to make changes. Space to do some individual growth.
With the eventual goal of repairing the friendship.
Even if that means creating an entirely new version of your friendship than the one you had before.
Today, we’re going to figure out: Is a friendship pause right for you?
What IS a Friendship Pause (And What It’s NOT)
Before we dive into the questions, let’s get really clear on what we’re talking about.
A friendship pause is:
- ▪️ Intentional and communicated
- ▪️ Temporary (though the timeline varies)
- ▪️ Designed to preserve the friendship
- ▪️ About creating space for reflection and growth
- ▪️ Done with the goal of eventual repair
A friendship pause is NOT:
- ▪️ Ghosting (disappearing without explanation)
- ▪️ A breakup (ending the friendship)
- ▪️ Silent treatment (punishment)
- ▪️ Avoidance (hoping the problem goes away)
- ▪️ Permanent (though it might lead to that if the work doesn’t happen)
The key difference? Intention and communication.
You’re not disappearing. You’re not ending things. You’re saying: “I value this friendship enough to do the work to save it. But I can’t do that work right now. And I think we need space first.”
A pause might be for a few weeks. A few months. Even a year or more.
There’s no set timeline. What matters is the goal: PRESERVATION.
When You Might Actually Need a Friendship Pause
Okay, so not every rough patch requires a pause.
But there are some clear signs that taking a step back might be exactly what you both need.
I’ve broken these into three categories:
Category 1: Communication Issues
Sign #1: You’re having the same conversation over and over
Maybe it’s about your friendship. Maybe it’s about something they’re struggling with and keep coming to you for help, but what you’re saying isn’t helping.
They’re stuck in rumination. Maybe they need a therapist. Maybe they need a different perspective. Maybe they just need to DO the thing instead of talking about it.
Sign #2: Constant arguments or misunderstandings
You both need a moment to sit with what’s happening instead of reacting.
Sign #3: A pattern is repeating
Maybe a boundary is being crossed repeatedly. Even though you’ve communicated it.
Sign #4: One big fight happened
Things were said. Words were thrown. You know you’re not going to be able to repair it in this moment.
You both need time to reflect.
Category 2: Energy or Emotional Issues
Sign #1: You feel drained or resentful every time you spend time with this friend
Ask yourself: Why is that?
- ▪️ Is it them?
- ▪️ Is it something you’re jealous about?
- ▪️ Is it a problem they’re having?
- ▪️ Is it the way you’re talking to each other?
Get really curious here.
Sign #2: The friendship feels one-sided
But wait, before you decide this is the issue, ask yourself:
Have you TALKED about how it feels one-sided?
Are they going through a really big life transition? (Loss, marriage, new baby, health crisis?)
Is this a time where it SHOULD be a little one-sided because they need support?
That can’t be forever. But check in with yourself on how long this has been going on.
Sign #3: The friendship doesn’t feel enjoyable anymore
Maybe the interest you connected with no longer exists.
Maybe the things you did together don’t serve you.
Example: This was a friend you went drinking with every Thursday. You don’t want to do that anymore.
But here’s the question: Do you actually not enjoy THIS FRIEND? Or do you just need to find new ways to connect?
Because you might actually love them, just not in that old context.
Category 3: Life Circumstances
Sign #1: A major life transition affected the friendship dynamic
They’re still here. Still present. But everything feels different.
Maybe it’s better to give a breather while they settle into the change before you ALSO try to navigate how this is changing your friendship.
Here’s the wild thing about friendship: We don’t usually ask our friends’ opinions on big life decisions.
Your friend shows up and says, “I’m moving across the country for work” or “I’m in this relationship.”
And that changes your friendship dynamic.
You both need to adjust to:
- The new version of your friend (the one who lives 8 hours away by plane)
- The new version of your friendship
That’s a lot. Sometimes space helps.
Sign #2: You’re both triggered by something and can’t get out of the reactive pattern
Example: You’re both in financial hardship. You want to support each other.
But you’re both so deep in survival mode that you’re NOT the people to support each other right now.
You need to lean on other parts of your support web and give each other space.
Not sure if a friendship pause is right for you? The questions in this episode will help you decide. Hear them all in the full episode.
The Questions to Ask Before You Pause
Okay, so some of those signs resonated.
You’re thinking: “Maybe I DO need a friendship pause.”
But before you make that decision, I need you to ask yourself some really important questions.
Because how you approach this pause, and whether you should even take one, depends a lot on your intentions and your willingness to do the work.
If you don’t do the work, you probably won’t be able to preserve the friendship down the line.
Questions About Intentions
Question 1: Are you doing this because you want PROGRESS, or are you doing this as PUNISHMENT?
If the goal is not progress, this is an entirely different thing.
This is not well-intentioned. This is not designed to preserve the friendship.
This is the silent treatment. This is a power move. This is punishment.
And that’s a different episode.
Question 2: Is this about the friendship, or is this about me PROJECTING other stuff onto this person?
Example: Maybe you’re having a really hard time at work. You need to have a big conversation with your boss.
But you keep bringing this back to your friend. You’re really mad that your friend can’t support you in the way you want.
But the problem isn’t actually your friend.
The problem is that you’re procrastinating having the hard conversation you need to have.
Is that what’s happening?
Question 3: Am I willing to do the work I said I would do and need to do to eventually repair this friendship?
Because if you’re not willing to do the work? Nothing’s going to change down the line.
This pause won’t be effective.
You’ll either:
- End up in the same patterns (and still be friends, but miserable)
- End the friendship
Both of those might be okay. But if you want to PRESERVE the friendship, you have to do the work.
Questions About Timing
Question 1: Is this a good time?
Consider:
- ▪️ Are they in the middle of a family crisis?
- ▪️ Do they have a major work deadline next week?
- ▪️ Are we in the middle of stressful holidays?
- ▪️ Is it right before their wedding or the birth of their child?
Here’s why this matters:
If the goal is to eventually repair this friendship, telling someone you want to pause two weeks before their wedding is going to make it HARDER to repair down the line.
I’m not saying it’s impossible. But it’s going to be a lot harder.
So ask yourself: Is there a way to make it through the wedding and THEN have the conversation on the other side?
Again, these are just questions. You can do whatever you want.
But if preservation is the goal, timing matters.
Question 2: Are YOU in a good headspace to make this decision?
Or are you just really overwhelmed or triggered by something in your life right now?
Is it pushing you to make big, drastic moves with relationships?
Example: Maybe your friend is actually trying to support you. And that’s vulnerable. You’re not used to it.
You’re overwhelmed and triggered by other areas of your life. So you push them away.
You say, “We just need a break.”
But is that what’s actually happening? Can you lean in, open up, and let them in a little?
Questions About the Bigger Picture
Question 1: Is this a pattern you have with MULTIPLE friends?
Because if so, the issue might be more about YOU.
I can’t answer that question for you. But consider it.
Now, the alternative:
Maybe you DO have the same pattern with multiple friends. But it’s not really about you being “the problem.”
Maybe you’ve just built a lot of really similar friendships. And YOU’VE changed.
Example: You had all these friends you went out with every weekday night. You partied all the time.
Now you’ve decided to cut back on drinking. You don’t want to do that anymore.
In that case, it’s not YOU, per se.
What’s happening is you have all these friendships surviving on ONE activity you don’t want to do anymore.
That’s not necessarily wrong with them. You might just need to:
- ▪️ Find new ways to connect with them
- ▪️ Spend a little less time with them
- ▪️ Develop some new friendships that support your new lifestyle
All of these are things to reflect on before you go to one friend and say, “Everything’s wrong, and we need to pause.”
Question 2: Are you doing this because you “can’t be a good friend right now”?
Maybe you have something going on. Something threw a loop in everything.
Your friends are trying to support you. But you feel like you can’t reciprocate.
You’ve been sold this narrative that “friendships cannot be one-sided.”
But if YOU’RE the one in crisis? It’s okay to let your friends support you.
Flip it around: If your friend lost their spouse, wouldn’t you want to show up for them? Even if you knew they couldn’t show up for you right now?
Let them do the same for you.
Questions About What You Actually Need
Question 1: Is this an OVERALL pause? Or just a PARTIAL pause?
Wait, what?
You don’t have to pause the entire friendship. You can pause just ONE AREA.
Example 1: The new parent friend
You’ve gotten really close, really quickly. But you don’t parent the same way.
When you’re at the park together, and your kids disagree, it creates tension. You’re both looking at each other for an answer. It’s causing conflict.
But you really like this friend.
The pause might be: “We hang out without our kids for a while.”
You navigate conflict as adults first. You figure out how to have hard conversations. THEN you can go back to park hangouts.
Example 2: The money topic
I have a friend. We don’t talk about money. It’s a known pause in our friendship.
This friend has a lot of anxiety around money. They want to talk to me about it because I’m comfortable with money talk.
But it’s the same conversation over and over. It brings anxiety to our friendship.
It’s a lot of “I want to try these things but I’m too scared.”
At a certain point, I had to say: “What I’m saying isn’t connecting. You’ve got to do your own work. Money’s off the table for us.”
Our friendship is better for it.
At some point, maybe we’ll get there. But it’s okay, we don’t talk about that thing.
Question 2: Have you actually been HONEST with your friend about what’s bothering you?
Because sometimes we massively overreact to a situation that could have been solved if we’d just been more open and honest.
If we’d spoken the words out loud instead of just thinking them in our heads.
Here’s what I see happen:
We’re upset with our friends. But we haven’t actually TOLD them why.
Then we get to this place where we’re mad. The friendship needs to end or pause.
But if your friend doesn’t know why? If YOU don’t even fully know why?
The pause isn’t going to work.
Because nobody’s going to have anything to reflect on. No work to do. No personal growth.
Because what are we even doing?
So maybe the most fundamental question of all is:
Have you actually been honest with your friend about what is bothering you?
That is a NECESSARY step before a friendship pause.
These reflection questions go even deeper in the audio. Listen to the complete episode for the full guide on navigating a friendship pause.
What Happens Next
I could spend the next hour walking you through:
- ▪️ Exactly how to have these conversations
- ▪️ What to do during the pause
- ▪️ How to handle reconnection
And honestly, I probably will provide those resources in the future.
But there’s so much nuance there that I can’t cover it all in one podcast episode.
But if you have specific scenarios? Send them to me.
Tell me what’s happening. Let’s talk about it.
That’ll help me develop more robust resources for you. And I’ll help you with YOUR situation.
Why the Work Is Worth It
For now, I want you to sit with these questions if you’re considering a friendship pause.
Because here’s what I know to be true:
Michael and I have this phrase in our marriage. And I think it applies to friendships too:
“Every time we work through a low, we reach a higher high.”
Here’s what I mean:
Think of your relationship as waves. Sometimes it’s a really good day. Sometimes it’s hard.
Up and down. Higher and lower. Sometimes more central. Sometimes extreme.
When you get to a LOW that’s SO low you need a friendship pause?
Here’s what’s happening:
A HUGE part of friendship is the ability to repair and navigate conflict.
So if you’re at a low that requires a break, and you’re willing to do the work to get to the other side?
You’re creating EVIDENCE.
You’re doing action and reflection. You’re doing work that creates really strong BELIEFS in your friendship.
Beliefs like:
- ▪️ We will work together to find solutions
- ▪️ We put effort and energy into this friendship
- ▪️ We care about each other
- ▪️ We are able to navigate hard things together
Those kinds of beliefs? That’s what you need when life gets REALLY hard.
When you lose a parent. When your company goes bankrupt. When your world falls apart.
THAT’S the person you call.
Because you have EVIDENCE that they’ll show up.
So when you’re in that low, doing the work, reaching a “higher high”?
You’re developing more evidence and stronger beliefs that will tie you two together even tighter in the future.
I know the friendship pause feels hard right now.
It feels sticky. There are conversations you don’t want to have. Self-reflection, you’re avoiding.
Maybe you’re not trusting that the other person will do the work too.
Your brain can really get in the way here. Don’t let that happen.
But if you can push through all that?
It’s going to make this such a strong, firm friendship.
So, if you see ANY possibility of that happening? Any value? If you appreciate the connection?
Do it. Do the friendship pause.
Instead of thinking of it as sad, think of it as a possibility for a whole new version of a friendship.
A version that feels even more aligned to your current self.
Cemented by super-strong beliefs.
Considering a friendship pause? Tune into the full episode for all the questions and guidance shared above.
