Leannda Shearer has lived in eight different places in the last 11 years.
Eight. Different. Places.
St. Thomas. Hawaii. Nantucket. Washington. And more.
Each time, she’s had to start over. New city. New job. New routines. New everything.
And most importantly: new people.
No established friend group to fall back on. No familiar faces at the coffee shop. No one who knows her history or her quirks or that she takes her coffee with way too much cream.
Just… starting from zero. Again. And again. And again.
Now, if you’re someone who’s lived in the same place most of your life (hi, that’s me), this might sound absolutely terrifying. The idea of having to rebuild your entire support system from scratch (not once, not twice, but ELEVEN TIMES) is enough to make most people want to curl up on their couch and never move.
But here’s what’s fascinating about Leannda’s story:
She’s not terrified anymore. She’s excited.
She’s developed what I can only describe as a friendship superpower: the ability to trust herself to build community anywhere, anytime, no matter how many times she has to start over.
And the best part? This isn’t something she was born with. This is something she learned.
Which means you can learn it too.
The First Moves: When Everything Feels Terrifying
Let’s rewind to the beginning, because Leannda’s first few moves were… not easy.
“The first couple was terrifying,” she told me. “Especially the first one. It was a really big culture shock.”
She moved to St. Thomas with three friends, thinking they’d be her built-in support system. That they’d navigate this new adventure together.
Except… they weren’t as good of friends as she thought.
“It was definitely jarring to be somewhere far away and not really have the support system that I thought I would have.”
So there she was, in a completely new place, with roommates who turned out to be more like acquaintances than the close friends she’d imagined.
That’s a special kind of lonely.
The kind where you’re technically surrounded by people but feel completely alone.
Her second move to Hawaii wasn’t much better. Her sister lived there, so she moved to be near family. But Hawaii is a big place. And it was just her, her roommate, and the girl next door.
“I just assumed that the people I knew: that was going to be it. That it was just going to be us against the world.”
She had no idea that building community was something she’d need to actively DO.
She thought friendship just… happened. That the people already in her orbit would be enough.
Spoiler alert: They weren’t.
The Slow Awakening: Realizing Community Doesn’t Just Appear
It wasn’t until the third, fourth, and fifth moves that something started to shift.
By her fifth move, she stayed somewhere for five years. Long enough to really build something. Long enough to have a community. A tribe.
And that’s when she realized: Oh. This is what I’ve been missing.
“Now I know the importance of when I go somewhere, that I need that community, and I need to build it. I can’t just rely on what I have.”
But here’s the thing: even though she was starting to understand the importance of building community, she was still operating from what I’d call a scarcity mindset.
She’d find that ONE person in each place. Her person. Her partner in crime for those four or six months.
“Each place I went, there was at least one person who was my best friend for that time.”
And sure, she had other friends too: the “surface level” friends (her words, though she hates that term because it makes them sound less important than they were). The people she’d have fun with. The drunken debauchery friends from her late twenties.
But she was still looking for that ONE person. Still thinking in terms of finding that singular best friend who would be everything.
She hadn’t yet learned that there could be abundance. That there could be many people. That she could trust the process.
That would come later.
The Mindset Shift That Changed Everything
So when did it click? When did Leannda go from anxious about starting over to actually excited about it?
“Until this last time,” she said. “It was this last move where I was like, okay, focus on what’s coming next. Don’t just focus on everyone you’re leaving behind.”
Her most recent move was from Washington, and it was HARD. She ugly-cried for hours. Leaving people you love is excruciating, even when you’ve done it ten times before.
But something was different this time.
She had faith.
“I started having faith that a best friend’s going to be waiting for me somewhere, and other friends are going to be waiting for me somewhere.”
When I asked her how she developed that faith, she said something that stopped me in my tracks:
“I have it because I’ve done it so many times. Because of the life-changing friendships I’ve made and those connections.”
She’d proven to herself, over and over, that she could do this. That new people WOULD show up. That community WOULD form. That she wouldn’t be alone forever.
The fear didn’t disappear. But the trust in herself became stronger than the fear.
And that changes everything.
In the full episode, Leannda and I talk much more about how she got through those early terrifying moves and what she told herself when the fear felt overwhelming. If you’re someone facing a move or a major life reset and wondering how you’ll ever rebuild, her story will really resonate. Listen to the complete episode here.
The Gifts Nobody Talks About: Meeting People Who Only Know Current-You
Here’s something Leannda said that I think is absolutely profound:
“There’s a difference between people who have known you the longest and know all the stages you’ve gone through, versus somebody who’s meeting you for the first time, exactly where you are.”
Think about that for a second.
When you meet someone new (someone who has zero history with you) they don’t know:
- ▪️ That you were bullied in high school
- ▪️ That you went through a messy breakup three years ago
- ▪️ That you used to be really into CrossFit but quit
- ▪️ That you tried to start a business that failed
- ▪️ That you used to be a completely different version of yourself
They just know YOU. Right now. As you are today.
“I got to recreate my identity,” Leannda told me. “I didn’t have to be Leannda, who was bullied in high school, lost her dad, and went to college. I was an island girl. And then that skin shed off of me, and I was a mom.”
Each move gave her permission to be a new version of herself without the weight of everyone’s expectations based on who she used to be.
She gave me a perfect example: She recently connected with a woman in an online course. They started voice messaging every single day, all day long.
“From the get-go, it was: this is me right now, and this is what I want for my future. This is the me that I want to be.”
No baggage. No “but you’ve never done that before” or “are you sure? That doesn’t sound like you.”
Just: Yes, you can do whatever you want, because I know you right now, and I know you can.
“It’s just incredibly powerful,” Leannda said.
And she’s right. There’s something about being seen for exactly who you are TODAY (not who you were five or ten years ago) that’s absolutely transformative.
The Lessons That Only Come From Starting Over (And Over, And Over)
Okay, so Leannda has done this 11 times. Which means she’s basically earned a PhD in building community from scratch.
Here are the lessons she’s learned that I think we all need to hear:
Lesson #1: Don’t Take Things Personally
When you’re the new person trying to make friends, rejection is going to happen. People won’t text back. They’ll cancel plans. They’ll seem interested and then ghost.
And it’s SO easy to make it about you.
They don’t like me. I’m not interesting enough. I said something wrong.
But Leannda learned to let that go.
“I have this belief that what’s meant for me won’t miss me. If I meet somebody who doesn’t reciprocate the invitation for friendship, first of all, we have no idea what’s going on in their lives.”
Maybe they’re overwhelmed. Maybe they’re dealing with something you can’t see. Maybe the timing just isn’t right.
“It’s taught me grace and patience with people. If they’re meant to be in my life, they’ll be in my life.”
And here’s the key: She keeps the door open.
She doesn’t write people off after one lukewarm interaction. She stays friendly. She says hi at events. She comments on their social media.
Because sometimes people come back around. Sometimes they just needed time.
“Give them permission and grace. And also be reminded of when YOU did that: when someone reached out, and you weren’t in a place to pursue that friendship.”
We’ve all been there. We’ve all been the person who couldn’t show up. So why not extend that same grace to others?
Lesson #2: Be Curious About What Lights People Up (Not Just What You Have In Common)
Most of us approach meeting new people by looking for commonality.
Do we like the same things? Do we have similar backgrounds? Are we in the same life stage?
Leannda flipped that entirely.
Instead of looking for what she has in common with people, she gets curious about what lights THEM up: whether or not she shares that interest.
She told me about having dinner with her husband’s coworker and his wife. The husband was quiet, probably not thrilled about having to socialize with people he barely knew.
They spent most of the evening asking him about his metal band.
“I grew up listening to some metal because my dad did, but it’s not something I keep up with or know a ton about. But he was so lit up talking about the instruments he uses, where they’re playing, concerts they’ve been to.”
She couldn’t tell you most of what they specifically talked about. But she vividly remembers how engaged everyone was.
Because passion is contagious.
When someone lights up about something (even if you don’t share that passion) their energy is magnetic. The conversation flows. Everyone feels seen.
“Instead of asking ‘what does this person bring for me?’ ask ‘what can I learn from this person?’ Every interaction is a wonderful opportunity to learn something.”
Or, as I’d add: Every interaction is an opportunity to let someone feel SEEN.
And that feeling of being seen? That’s more foundational than anything else. That’s belonging.
Lesson #3: Create What You Wish Existed
When Leannda moves somewhere new, she doesn’t just wait around hoping community will find her.
She actively creates it.
Her go-to resources:
- ▪️ Meetup.com: “I really love Meetup. I’ve met quite a few friends there. You can choose things based on your interests: board games, hiking, comedy, whatever.”
- ▪️ Networking events: She writes for a magazine and has met 15-20 people through their women’s networking nights
- ▪️ Facebook groups: Especially military spouse groups when she knows where she’s moving next
- ▪️ Mom apps: Like Peanut, which is basically a dating app for finding mom friends
- ▪️ Interest-based groups: Book clubs, golf groups, beach meetups
The key? She shows up to things she’s actually interested in.
Not just things where she might meet people. Things she genuinely wants to DO.
Because that gives her an immediate conversation starter. A shared interest to talk about. A reason to keep showing up.
And here’s what happens every single time: The group setting leads to one-on-one connections.
“Every single thing I’ve done in a group setting has led to outside of that group.”
She’ll meet someone, feel a spark of connection, and then make it happen: “I’m gonna get your phone number. Let’s go get coffee or go for a walk and see if there’s more there.”
It IS like dating. And we need to stop pretending it’s not.
In the full episode, I share even more of Leannda’s specific strategies for finding people, breaking the ice, and moving from group acquaintance to actual friend. If you’re someone who feels like you know you need connection but can’t figure out where to start or how to deepen it, this conversation is exactly what you need. Hear the full episode here.
Lesson #4: Let Friendships Evolve (And That’s Okay)
Here’s something Leannda said that I think we all need tattooed on our forearms:
“Not allowing yourself to grow stagnant in your friendships is really important.”
That couples meetup group she started in one city? Eventually, she got divorced. Suddenly, the “couples” aspect wasn’t relevant to her life anymore.
Some of those friendships evolved. With one friend, their connection shifted to a shared love of hip-hop music. Now they meet up for Sunday afternoon performances.
Other friendships were for that season and naturally faded.
And both are fine.
“I think that sounds like Ariana Grande’s ‘thank u, next,’” she laughed. “But that’s not what I’m saying. Just being okay that friendships aren’t necessarily going to be where you’re exchanging lockets and friendship bracelets and meeting together when you’re 80.”
Not every friendship has to be lifelong to be valuable and meaningful.
Some friendships are for a season. Some evolve into something different. Some stay consistent for decades.
All of it has value. All of it matters.
Lesson #5: Length of Friendship ≠ Quality of Friendship
We constantly celebrate the LENGTH of relationships.
“Oh, we’ve been friends since kindergarten!”
“I’ve known them for 20 years!”
As if the number of years is what makes it meaningful.
But Leannda’s mom used to struggle with this. When Leannda would get a new best friend while traveling, her mom would say, “Well, you barely know them.”
And Leannda’s response? “I know enough.”
She told me about meeting people in Las Vegas on New Year’s Eve 13-14 years ago. They spent four hours together. She’s still Facebook friends with one of them. They still talk.
“That night was no less magical than a New Year’s I spent with people I’d known for years.”
There’s this beautiful Jay Shetty quote she shared: “We often celebrate the length of relationships, but we don’t necessarily celebrate the quality.”
And that’s what we’re missing.
A four-hour conversation with someone who truly SEES you can be more meaningful than years of surface-level interaction with someone who’s never really known you.
Time doesn’t automatically equal depth. Presence does.
The Ultimate Realization: This Is a Superpower
About halfway through our conversation, Leannda told me something that gave me chills:
She’s changing her name to Phoenix.
“For that very reason. Because I’ve just had to rebuild. Some have been my choice. A lot of it has not been.”
She’s been through a divorce. She’s lost her mother. She’s lost her father. She’s faced the terrifying prospect of having to “create a whole new family” when her marriage ended.
“It was really scary at first. And then that same voice in my head (my intuition) kicks in and goes: Well, you did it once. You’ll do it again. You’ll create a new family again.”
That’s the superpower.
Not that it’s easy. Not that it doesn’t hurt. Not that she doesn’t ugly-cry for hours when she has to say goodbye.
But that she TRUSTS herself to rebuild. That she KNOWS she can do it. That she has FAITH that the right people are waiting for her somewhere.
“Doesn’t mean it’s not hard,” she said. “Doesn’t mean it’s not super scary. But there is no shortage of people for us to love.”
And when you really internalize that? It changes everything.
It means you’re not trapped in relationships that aren’t serving you.
It means you can move for a job opportunity or a fresh start without the paralyzing fear of losing everyone.
It means you can reinvent yourself as many times as life requires.
Because you know (deeply, bone-deep KNOW) that you can build what you need. Again and again and again.
The Freedom This Creates
Toward the end of our conversation, Leannda said something that perfectly captures why this matters:
“It’s the freedom of literally creating the exact life that you want.”
Think about how many people stay in situations that aren’t right for them because they’re terrified of losing their support system.
How many people stay in marriages that are over because of “what about all our friends?”
How many people don’t take the job in a new city because “I’d have to start over socially”
How many people don’t leave toxic friend groups because “at least I have SOMEONE.”
When you develop the skill (and yes, it’s a SKILL) of building community wherever you go, all of those fears lose their power.
You’re not trapped anymore.
You can make choices based on what’s actually right for you, not based on fear of being alone.
That’s not just a friendship skill. That’s life-changing freedom.
What About the Friends Who’ve Known You Longest?
Now, I know what some of you are thinking:
“But what about my lifelong friends? The people who’ve known me since high school? Aren’t those the most important?”
And here’s Leannda’s answer (which I love):
“I still have my core group of friends from Boise that I’ve known since freshman year of college. There’s a difference between people who have known you the longest and know all the stages you’ve gone through, versus somebody who’s meeting you for the first time, exactly where you are. There’s something beautiful in BOTH.”
This isn’t either/or.
You can have both the friends who’ve known you forever AND the friends who only know current-you.
You can have the friends who remember every version of you, AND the friends who give you permission to be someone completely new.
Both are valuable. Both are meaningful. Both serve different purposes in your life.
The problem is when we think the ONLY valuable friendships are the long-term ones. When we dismiss new connections as “less than” because they don’t have history.
That’s when we miss out on so much.
How to Start Developing This Superpower (Even If You’ve Never Moved)
Okay, so maybe you’re reading this thinking: “That’s great for Leannda, but I’ve lived in the same place my whole life. How does this apply to me?”
Here’s the thing: You don’t have to move 11 times to develop this skill.
Because life changes even when your address doesn’t.
You go through breakups. Job changes. Having kids. Kids leaving home. Health crises. Loss. Reinvention.
Every major life change requires some level of rebuilding your support system.
So here’s how to start:
1. Adopt Leannda’s mantra: “What’s meant for me won’t miss me.”
Stop agonizing over every person who doesn’t reciprocate your friendship energy. Trust that if they’re meant to be in your life, they will be. And if not, someone else will show up.
2. Get curious about people instead of just looking for commonality.
Next time you meet someone, instead of trying to figure out if you have things in common, ask yourself: What lights this person up? What can I learn from them?
3. Create what you wish existed.
Can’t find a group that fits what you’re looking for? Start one. Join Meetup. Go to networking events. Show up to things you’re genuinely interested in.
4. Let friendships evolve without guilt.
Some friendships are for a season. Some change form over time. Both are okay. Stop forcing friendships to stay exactly as they were.
5. Stop celebrating length over quality.
A four-month friendship that changes your life is just as valuable as a 20-year friendship. Maybe more so in that moment.
6. Remember: This is a SKILL, not a personality trait.
Leannda wasn’t born knowing how to do this. Her first moves were terrifying. She learned through repetition, through failure, through trying again.
You can learn it too.
The Quote That Says It All
I’m going to leave you with something Leannda said that I think perfectly captures this entire conversation:
“That’s why, as excruciating as those goodbye days are (I call them ‘see you later’ days) I wouldn’t trade all the time that came before those days.”
“The reason it makes it so hard is… how lucky am I to have something that saying goodbye is so hard?”
“I might never see 90% of those people from all the different places I lived. But I wouldn’t do it any differently, and I wouldn’t trade my time with them.”
That’s the thing about developing this superpower.
It doesn’t make goodbyes easier. It doesn’t make starting over painless.
But it does make you capable of loving people fully, even when you know it might not last forever.
It makes you capable of building deep connections quickly because you’re not holding back out of fear.
It makes you capable of trusting that more love, more connection, more community is always possible.
And that? That’s worth every scary first day in a new place. Every awkward introduction. Every moment of doubt.
Because on the other side of that fear is a life full of people who’ve seen you, known you, loved you; even if only for a season.
And isn’t that what we’re all looking for anyway?
In the full episode, Leannda and I go even deeper into her 11 moves, what she learned from each one, and the specific mindset shifts that turned rebuilding from something terrifying into something she actually trusts herself to do. If you’re someone who wants to feel more confident building community wherever life takes you, the complete episode is a must-listen.
Struggling with a move or major life transition? Let’s talk about in the comments.
