Stop Saying “I Want More Friends” and Start Making Actual Friendship Goals

APPLE PODCAST | SPOTIFY

Here’s a question that’s going to sting a little: When was the last time you set a financial goal?

Maybe it was building your emergency fund. Maybe you decided to automate $200 a month into savings. Or perhaps you committed to eating out one less time per week to hit your vacation budget.

Now here’s the follow-up question: When was the last time you set a friendship goal?

Cricket sounds, right?

Here’s what’s wild – we’re incredibly intentional about our finances, our fitness routines, our career development, even learning new hobbies. We set specific goals, track our progress, and make adjustments along the way. But when it comes to friendship? We just… hope it works out somehow.

And then we wonder why we feel disconnected, why making adult friends feels impossible, why our social life never quite matches what we actually want.

It’s time to stop winging your friendships.

The Problem With “I Want More Friends”

Let’s get real about something. Saying “I want more friends” is about as useful as saying “I want more money.”

Like, okay… great. But what does that actually mean? How much more? What kind of friends? Where are you going to find them? What are you willing to do differently to make it happen?

“I think a lot of people are just taking one action after another when it comes to their friendships without much thought as to why they’re doing so,” I shared in episode 60 of Friendship IRL. “They’re repeating old patterns or ‘doing what they think they should do’ instead of really thinking about what their ideal vision of social wellness, friendship, connection is, and how they might get there.”

Most of us are stumbling through friendship like we’re playing a game without knowing the rules. We show up to social events hoping we’ll click with someone. We say yes to plans that don’t actually excite us. We feel guilty about not texting back fast enough. We wonder why some friendships feel effortless for other people but exhausting for us.

The missing piece? We’re not being intentional.

Why Your Friendships Deserve the Same Attention as Your 401k

Think about how you approach any other area of your life that matters to you. Let’s stick with the finance example because it’s so clear:

1. You decide it matters (you want financial security)
2. You take inventory (you look at your current account balances, even when it’s scary)
3. You set a specific vision (emergency fund with 6 months of expenses)
4. You break it down into actions (automate $300/month into savings)
5. You actually do the thing (set up the automatic transfer)
6. You check back in (review your progress quarterly)

This exact same process works for friendship. But here’s what most people do instead:

1. You decide it matters You assume it should just happen naturally
2. You take inventory You avoid thinking about why you feel lonely
3. You set a specific vision You have vague hopes for “more connection”
4. You break it down into actions You wait for other people to reach out
5. You actually do the thing You stay home because putting yourself out there feels scary
6. You check back in You wonder why nothing’s changed

See the problem?

“Friendship, community, connection, social wellness – that it matters. You decide that it matters,” I explained in the episode. “I think by listening to this podcast, you have probably already decided that it matters, but if you don’t think that this is worth your effort and energy, you’re not going to do it.”

So step one is acknowledging that your social life deserves the same intentional energy you give everything else you care about.

The Specificity Strategy: How to Actually Set Friendship Goals

Once you’ve decided this matters, here’s how you stop hoping and start planning:

Start with honest reflection. Just like looking at your bank account balance, you need to take inventory of where you actually are. This might bring up some shame or guilt because it’s not where you want it to be. But you can’t improve what you won’t acknowledge.

Ask yourself:

• ▪️ How much time can you realistically dedicate to friendship? (Be honest – can you find 15 minutes twice a week? One evening a month?)
• ▪️ What habits are helping or hurting your connections? (Are you terrible at responding to texts? Do you always cancel plans?)
• ▪️ What types of people do you actually want to spend time with? (Not who you think you should want – who do YOU want?)
• ▪️ What friendship problems keep showing up in your life?

Get specific about your vision. Instead of “I want more friends,” try:

• ▪️ “I want to find people who love hiking as much as I do”
• ▪️ “I want to deepen my relationship with two coworkers I really enjoy”
• ▪️ “I want to reconnect with old friends who live far away”
• ▪️ “I want to feel more connected in my neighborhood”

Break it down into actual actions. This is where the magic happens. Your specific vision gets turned into specific actions you can actually take.

Want hiking buddies? Join a local hiking group. Show up consistently. Talk to people before and after hikes. Suggest grabbing coffee with someone you connected with.

Want to deepen work friendships? Suggest an “offshoot activity” – drinks after work, lunch somewhere new, attending a networking event together.

In the complete episode, I walk through exactly how to identify which areas of your friendship life need attention and how to turn those insights into actionable three-month plans. The framework I share makes this process so much less overwhelming than trying to fix everything at once.

20 Friendship Goals You Can Actually Achieve

Here’s the thing – I can talk about goal-setting all day, but sometimes you just need concrete examples. So here are 20 specific friendship goals that real people can actually accomplish:

For Family Connections:

1. Find a new interest to share with a family member. Maybe it’s pickleball with your mom or cooking classes with your sister. Something that gives you a reason to spend time together beyond obligation.

For Neighbors and Community:

2. Stop wearing headphones for the first five blocks after leaving your house. Such a simple way to seem more approachable and open to casual neighborhood connections.

3. Show up to one local gathering per month. Farmers market, library reading, community event – just one. Put yourself where your neighbors already are.

For Interest-Based Connections:

4. Join a group or class focused on something you love. Watercolor, chess, running, book club – find your people through shared interests.

5. Get active in an online community instead of lurking. Follow hashtags, comment on posts, send DMs. Stop consuming and start participating.

For Better Friendship Habits:

6. Schedule two 15-minute “friendship admin” blocks each week. Use this time for texting back, planning get-togethers, or just reaching out to people you care about.

7. Commit to connecting with friends once a month. However that looks for you – dinner, coffee, a long walk, even just a meaningful phone call.

8. Try a new way to stay in touch. Maybe it’s Marco Polo videos instead of texts, or voice memos instead of phone calls. Ask friends to try something new with you.

For Workplace Connections:

9. Suggest an “offshoot activity” with a coworker you enjoy. Drinks after work, lunch somewhere new, or attending an industry event together.

For Existing Friendships:

10. Suggest a completely new activity with an established friend. Break out of your dinner-and-drinks routine. Try that boxing class you’ve both mentioned, go to a museum, take a day trip.

11. Reach out for one-on-one time with someone you only see in groups. If you really enjoy someone but can never connect deeply because you’re always with the whole crew, be brave and suggest solo hang time.

12. Have that conversation you’ve been putting off. Whether it’s addressing tension or just saying “I feel like we’ve been missing each other lately,” stop letting it live on your mental to-do list.

For Meeting New People:

13. Take the lead on planning that group trip that’s lived in the chat forever. Someone has to get the ball rolling. Why not you?

14. Host a recurring gathering. “My doors are open the first Friday of every month for movie night.” Commit to showing up consistently and see who joins you.

15. Be a connector. Once a month, think about which of your friends should know each other and make the introduction.

For Long-Distance Friendships:

16. Make it a priority to see friends who live far away. Start the conversations, look at calendars, book the flights. Make it happen instead of just talking about it.

17. Start a virtual book club or interest group. Distance doesn’t have to mean disconnection if you’re intentional about creating regular touchpoints.

For Daily Connection:

18. Send one appreciation text per week. “I’ve been thinking about you.” “Thanks for always being my inspiration.” “I was remembering that time you…” Let people know how you feel about them.

19. Be better about important dates. Spend 30 minutes putting birthdays and milestones in your calendar. Show up for the moments that matter.

20. Lower the barrier for reaching out. Stop requiring yourself (and your friends) to send novels every time you text. Sometimes “Do you have that recipe?” is enough. You don’t need three paragraphs of catch-up first.

I go much deeper into the psychology behind why these specific approaches work so well, and how to troubleshoot when they don’t feel natural at first. The full episode really breaks down how to choose which goals will have the biggest impact for your specific situation.

Your Friendship Goals Don’t Have to Be Perfect

Here’s something I want you to remember: your ideal friendship vision is going to be a moving target.

I learned this firsthand. Around 2018-2019, I thought I had achieved my perfect friend situation. We had this amazing group, everyone lived nearby, we were getting together all the time. It felt like everything I’d ever wanted.

Then five sets of friends moved away in six months. My “ideal vision” crumbled, and I had to completely re-evaluate what I actually wanted and needed.

And you know what? That’s normal.

Life changes. People move. Seasons shift. Your friendship goals should evolve too. The point isn’t to create some perfect, permanent social situation. It’s to be intentional about building the connections that serve you right now, in this season of your life.

“This will become like second nature,” I promised in the episode. “At this point, I don’t spend a ton of time, I just notice that I want to shift and I decide on the smallest action I can implement and I go after it.”

That’s the goal – not perfection, but awareness. Not a perfect social life, but an intentional one.

The Three-Month Check-In

Here’s how you know this approach works: you’re going to pick 1-3 specific actions from the list above (or create your own), commit to them for three months, and then honestly assess what happened.

Maybe you joined that hiking group and found your adventure buddies. Maybe you started hosting monthly game nights and realized you love being the gatherer. Maybe you reached out to that coworker and discovered they’re going through something similar to what you experienced last year.

Or maybe some things didn’t work out the way you hoped. That’s information too. You adjust, you try something different, you keep going.

The point is that you’re not just hoping anymore. You’re acting.

I share so much more in the full episode about how to troubleshoot when goals don’t go as planned, and why treating friendship like any other skill completely changes your approach to building connections. If you’re tired of feeling like you’re failing at something that should come naturally, this framework might be exactly what you need.

Your Turn: Pick One Goal This Week

Alright, here’s what I actually want you to do. Not next month when you have more time. Not when you feel more confident. This week.

Pick one friendship goal from the list above. Just one. The one that made you think “Oh, I could actually do that.”

Break it down into the smallest possible action. Don’t try to revolutionize your entire social life in one weekend. If you want to join a hiking group, start by Googling “hiking groups [your city].” If you want to reach out to an old friend, start by finding their number.

Do that one small thing by Sunday. Send the text. Join the Facebook group. Sign up for the class. Whatever it is, take one concrete action toward the friendship life you actually want.

Here’s the truth: You already know how to set goals and achieve them. You do it with money, fitness, career development, learning new skills. Friendship isn’t different or more mysterious – it just requires the same intentional approach you give everything else you care about.

So what’s it going to be? What’s the one friendship goal you’re going to stop talking about and start working toward?

The conversation about building intentional, sustainable friendships is just getting started. [Listen to my complete framework for friendship goal-setting here] and subscribe to Friendship IRL wherever you get your podcasts. Because your social life deserves the same energy and attention you give everything else that matters to you.