Let me tell you about the moment I knew I was talking to a friendship genius.
I was interviewing Kara Infante for episode 59 of Friendship IRL, and she casually mentioned how she handles being a military spouse who moves every few years. “Oh, I just find a book club wherever we go,” she said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
I literally stopped the conversation. “Wait. THAT’S what you do? Kara, this is GENIUS.”
She seemed genuinely surprised by my reaction. But here’s the thing – what Kara figured out through 13 years of trial and error is something that could revolutionize how we all think about making connections as adults.
She’s cracked the code on something most of us are struggling with: how to make adult friendship feel less overwhelming and actually doable.
The Problem With How We Think About Making Friends
Let’s get real for a second. When most of us say “I need to make friends,” what we’re really saying is “I need to somehow connect with random humans and hope we click.”
No wonder it feels impossible.
Think about it – you walk into a room full of strangers and what exactly are you supposed to do? Start with the weather? Ask about their job? Hope someone brings up something interesting enough to actually build a conversation around?
“When you want to make new connections,” I told Kara, “one of the best things you can do for yourself is get specific. Because then you know what you’re looking for, it’s less overwhelming.”
And that’s exactly what Kara’s been doing without even realizing how brilliant it was.
Instead of the vague, pressure-filled goal of “making friends,” she walks into any new situation with a clear mission: find the readers. Find the book club. Find people who want to talk about something she’s genuinely passionate about.
The difference? Everything.
The Specificity Advantage: Why Getting Narrow Opens More Doors
Here’s what makes Kara’s approach so genius – and why it works for way more than just book lovers.
When you center your friend-making around a specific interest, you’re essentially creating what I call “The Specificity Advantage.” Here’s how it works:
You’re filtering for your actual people. Instead of hoping you’ll randomly connect with someone, you’re immediately in a room with people who share at least one thing you’re passionate about. As Kara put it, “You know you’re going to be stepping into a group of people that probably already have a similar interest set as you.”
You know what you’re going to talk about. No more awkward small talk or wondering how to start conversations. “You’re going to go in and you’re going to be talking about this book,” Kara explained, “and it takes the pressure off from having this cold conversation with someone… your elevator speech of who you are.”
Even if you don’t click with people, you still had a good time. This one’s huge. “Even if you went to that book club and you didn’t really connect with anybody the first time, the first two times, you still enjoyed talking about books. So no matter what, you hopefully don’t go home and be like, ‘Well, that was a complete waste of time.’”
You have built-in reasons to reach out. When you leave, you’re not stuck wondering how to text someone you barely know. You can share book recommendations, ask about the next meeting, or mention another author you think they’d enjoy. It gives you natural touchpoints that don’t feel forced or weird.
You get recurring touchpoints. Most interest-based groups meet regularly. So instead of the pressure of “Will I see this person again?” you know exactly when the next book club meeting is. You can build connections gradually, naturally.
In the complete episode, Kara shares so much more about what it actually feels like to walk into these groups as the new person, and how she’s learned to navigate those first few meetings when you’re still finding your footing. Her insights about being a listener at first and how group hosts tend to be naturally welcoming might shift how you think about showing up to new things.
This Works for Way More Than Books
Now, before you think “But I’m not a big reader,” hang on. This approach works for literally any interest you have.
Kara’s just happens to be books. But think about it:
- ▪️ Hiking groups – you’re guaranteed to meet people who love being outdoors
- ▪️ Chess clubs – instant connection with strategic thinkers
- ▪️ Running clubs – built-in accountability partners who understand your goals
- ▪️ Photography meetups – people who see the world the way you do
- ▪️ Board game nights – folks who appreciate strategy and fun
- ▪️ Writing circles – creative minds who get the struggle and joy of putting words on paper
- ▪️ Local business networking – entrepreneurs who understand the hustle
- ▪️ Volunteer organizations – people who care about the same causes you do
The magic isn’t in the specific activity. It’s in having something concrete to center your connection-building around.
“I think you can apply this to pretty much any interest you have,” I told Kara during our conversation. And honestly? The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that this is the missing piece for most of us.
How to Find Your Friendship Filter
So how do you figure out your version of Kara’s book club strategy?
Start with what you’re genuinely interested in. Not what you think you should be interested in, or what seems most likely to help you meet people. What do you actually enjoy? What could you talk about for hours?
Think about what you’re already doing alone that you could do with others. Kara was already reading constantly. She just started doing it with other people. Are you always trying new restaurants? Maybe a foodie group. Love true crime podcasts? There are definitely groups for that.
Consider what you want to learn or get back into. Maybe you used to paint, or you’ve always wanted to try pottery, or you’re curious about investing. Learning something new with others is a fantastic way to build connections.
Don’t overthink it. As Kara’s mom told her, “Everything is simple. We make it complicated.” Pick something. Try it. If it doesn’t work out, pick something else.
The goal isn’t to find the perfect interest-based group. It’s to stop wandering around, hoping friendship will somehow magically happen, and start being intentional about putting yourself in rooms with your people.
What to Do When You Can’t Find What You’re Looking For
Here’s where Kara’s story gets even more inspiring. Sometimes she’s moved somewhere and couldn’t find a local book club. So what did she do?
She created one.
“Both times I’ve started one, I have been in a place about a year,” she told me. “So it’s given me time to get to know people somewhat, and then get to know who’s… who are readers who might want to be a part of this.”
But here’s the thing – you don’t need to wait a year. You don’t need to know 10 people who are interested. Every group starts with one person talking about an idea and one more person getting on board.
Two people is a group. It can start from there.
When Kara creates book clubs, she makes it as low-pressure as possible: “One Saturday a month at 7:30 after bedtime. The commitment is really low. And then you just listen to this book, or listen or read… and just come and be ready to chat about that. We’ll bring food, we’ll share, we’ll have tea, wine, whatever you want.”
And get this – she tells people they don’t even have to finish the book. “This is more meant to be a social outlet… we need a night out. So I’m like, just come for the social interaction and don’t worry about having finished the book.”
The point isn’t perfection. It’s connection.
I share so much more in the full episode about Kara’s specific strategies for starting groups, including how she handles the fear of rejection and what she’s learned about making these gatherings feel welcoming for everyone. If you’re even slightly curious about creating your own group, her approach will make it feel so much more doable.
The Virtual Version
Oh, and here’s something brilliant that Kara mentioned – this doesn’t have to be local.
She has a virtual book club with two friends from when they lived in Sicily. One’s in South Carolina now, one’s in Massachusetts, and Kara’s in San Diego. “Every once in a while, we’re really motivated, where for like six months, we’ll read a book,” she explained.
They’ll text the group: “Hey, I’m gonna pick up this book, I think you girls would like it. Do you want to read it with me?” Then they’ll meet virtually once or twice to discuss it.
This could be your answer if you’re:
- ▪️ Working remotely and missing daily social interaction
- ▪️ In a small town without many local options
- ▪️ Wanting to stay connected with friends who live far away
- ▪️ Just more comfortable starting online before meeting people in person
The same principle applies. Get specific about what you want to talk about, find people who share that interest, and create regular touchpoints around it.
Beyond the Activity: The Real Magic
Here’s what I love most about this approach – it creates space for those natural moments of connection that we’re all craving.
Kara told me about how much her virtual book club has deepened her friendships: “The conversations we’ve had surrounding these books and how they have touched our lives… when you’re letting people in that way, it’s only going to deepen a friendship more.”
But here’s the beautiful part – it doesn’t require sitting someone down and saying “Now tell me about your life and problems.” Those deeper conversations happen naturally when you’re talking about something you both care about.
“Whether you dive deeper in that conversation, or maybe that is… if somebody mentions they’ve been reading these books at 3 am because they’re on month five of their baby waking up every hour… that just might be something somebody casually throws out,” I mentioned to Kara. “And then a week, a few days, whatever later… You might just check in and be like, ‘Hey, I heard you mentioned this thing.’”
Connection doesn’t always have to be the main event. Sometimes it happens best when it’s not the focus.
Your Turn: The One-Week Challenge
Alright, here’s what I actually want you to do this week. Not next month. Not when you have more time. This week.
Pick one interest. Something you genuinely care about or want to explore.
Take one action:
- ▪️ Google “[your interest] + [your city] + group”
- ▪️ Check Facebook for local groups
- ▪️ Ask your local library what clubs or groups they host
- ▪️ Post on Nextdoor or local Facebook groups asking if anyone shares your interest
- ▪️ Text three friends and say, “I’m thinking about starting a [book club/hiking group/whatever]. Would you be interested or know anyone who might be?”
That’s it. One search. One post. One text thread.
Stop making this complicated. As Kara’s mom said, “Everything is simple. We make it complicated.”
The truth is, there are people in your area right now who share your interests and would love to connect with someone new. But they’re probably sitting at home thinking the same thing you are: “I wish I had people to [read with/hike with/talk about photography with].”
Someone has to make the first move. Why not you?
So let me ask you this: What’s the one interest that lights you up? What could you talk about for hours? And what’s the one small step you’re going to take this week to find your people?
The conversation about building authentic connections around shared passions is just getting started. [Listen to my complete conversation with Kara here] and subscribe to Friendship IRL wherever you get your podcasts. Because friendship doesn’t have to be this overwhelming mystery – sometimes it just starts with finding your book club.
