Do you ever feel like there’s this pressure in your friendships to always be sharing your most vulnerable feelings? Like you need to unearth some deep dark secret or have these profound late-night conversations in order to feel truly close to your friends?
What if I told you that while you’re waiting for the perfect moment to share that big thing, you’re missing dozens of smaller opportunities to let your friends in every single day?
Welcome to the concept of small intimacies.
And before you roll your eyes and think “great, another thing I’m doing wrong in my friendships,” hear me out. Because I think understanding this concept might actually relieve some of the pressure you’re feeling. It might make connection feel more accessible, more consistent, and honestly? More real.
The Anxiety Cycle We’re All Stuck In
Let me paint you a picture of what I think is happening for a lot of us:
You want to feel closer to your friends. You want to be seen and known. That’s natural and beautiful.
But you’re nervous about being rejected. So you spend time overthinking every potential share. Is this the right moment? Will they understand? What if they react badly?
And because we’re told that vulnerability means sharing the BIG stuff (your trauma, your deepest fears, your most painful experiences), every share feels like it has to be this massive moment.
So you don’t actually make any bids for connection. You’re too anxious, too in your head, calculating whether it’s worth the risk.
And while you’re overthinking the big share, you miss all the small moments of connection that are actually happening around you.
This keeps happening. You get more and more pent up, feeling disconnected, wondering if your friendships are even real.
Until finally, you can’t take it anymore. You NEED to be seen. You need to prove this friendship matters. So you share that big vulnerable truth.
And one of two things happens:
Option 1: Your friend accepts you. They respond beautifully. It’s a huge moment for your friendship. You feel seen and heard, and it cements this belief that they’re someone you can trust.
Option 2: You’re rejected. And it feels absolutely devastating because it took you SO LONG to open up. You waited and waited, and now you don’t even know where to go from here in this friendship.
Sound familiar?
This cycle is exhausting. And I think there’s a better way.
Why This Actually Matters (The Foundation You Need)
Before I dive into what small intimacies are and how to use them, I need to give you some foundational pieces. Bear with me here: this context is going to make everything else click into place.
What Vulnerability Actually Means
Vulnerability is a willingness to show emotion, or to allow one’s weaknesses to be seen or known. A willingness to risk being emotionally hurt.
Notice what’s NOT in that definition: It doesn’t say vulnerability has to be about big topics. It doesn’t say it has to be a deep secret. It just says it’s about being willing to be seen and risk being hurt.
The Three Types of Rejection (This Is Important)
Rejection is the possibility that we are dismissed as inadequate, inappropriate, or not to one’s taste.
Most of us think rejection only means the first one: being dismissed as inadequate. Like there’s something fundamentally wrong with us.
But rejection can also mean:
Inappropriate: Your share was too much too soon. Maybe you revealed something deeply personal in a room full of strangers and your friend didn’t know how to react. The timing was off, not the content.
Not to one’s taste: Maybe your friend is going through something similar and can’t hold space for your experience right now. Or they have a different opinion and don’t know how to navigate that. This doesn’t mean you’re inadequate; it means there’s a mismatch.
Understanding these three types of rejection is crucial because not all rejection means you’re fundamentally flawed or that the friendship is doomed.
How This Connects to Building Friendship Beliefs
Quick detour into my Roots of Connection framework (if you want the full version, go listen to Episode 12):
There are three types of roots in friendship:
- ▪️ Shared experience roots
- ▪️ Emotional intimacy roots
- ▪️ Story roots
Small intimacies fall under emotional intimacy roots.
And here’s why this matters: At the core of friendship, we develop BELIEFS. “They are my friend. I can trust them. We show up for each other.”
Those beliefs lead to expectations, which lead to actions, which create EVIDENCE.
Evidence is what makes us believe our beliefs.
When you have consistent evidence that your friend sees you, accepts you, shows up for you, and you don’t question whether they’re really your friend. You KNOW they are.
But when those actions are few and far between? When the big shares are pent up and take forever? You have less and less evidence. Your beliefs start to feel shaky.
Small intimacies create dozens of micro-moments of evidence that add up to something huge.
Instead of waiting months for one big vulnerable moment, you’re creating a mountain of evidence from small moments. And when you look back at your friendship, it’s hard to deny the cumulative impact.
In the full episode, I go deeper into the Roots framework and how different types of connection build different types of evidence in your friendships. If you’re someone who’s constantly questioning whether your friendships are “real” or “deep enough,” understanding this framework might change everything.
What Vulnerability ISN’T (The Reframes You Need)
Okay, now that we have the foundation, let’s talk about what vulnerability actually is. Because I think we’ve gotten it wrong.
Reframe #1: Certain Topics Aren’t Automatically Vulnerable
We’ve been told that talking about mental health, romantic relationships, finances, trauma, addiction, or grief is inherently vulnerable.
But that’s not true. These topics CAN be vulnerable, but they aren’t always.
Have you ever heard someone say “Oh, I don’t mind talking about that topic”? That’s a sure sign that even though everyone says it’s vulnerable, it’s not vulnerable TO THAT PERSON.
Vulnerability is relative and personal.
Let me give you a personal example: I lost my mom when I was 13. That’s a fact about me. When I meet you and tell you my mom passed away, that’s NOT a vulnerable share for me anymore. I’m 20+ years into living as a person whose mom died. I don’t feel any risk telling you this.
Nineteen years ago? Very different story. Back then, it felt like sharing that fact sucked all the energy out of the room. People perceived me differently. It changed social dynamics. It was absolutely a risk.
But today? It’s just a fact.
So if you’re thinking certain topics immediately signal a “deep share” or vulnerability, I’d suggest re-examining that belief.
Reframe #2: Vulnerability Can Be Your WINS
We often think vulnerability is about losses or hardships. But what about your wins?
Telling a friend about something positive in your life can feel like a huge risk. What if they don’t celebrate you the way you expected? What if they’re jealous? What if they make it weird?
Or maybe you’re not quite ready to fully step into what this win means for you, and your friends get SO excited that they go over the top and you feel overwhelmed.
Sharing good news can be just as vulnerable as sharing hard news.
Reframe #3: Vulnerability Can Be Sharing a New LAYER
I talk about this concept of layers in Episode 61 (about talking money with friends), but it applies everywhere.
Using my mom example again: Telling you she died is a fact. But there are LAYERS to my experience with being a motherless daughter.
- ▪️ I could tell you how this experience has impacted me in my life
- ▪️ I could share my feelings about losing my mom
- ▪️ The deepest layer might be how being a motherless daughter impacts me TODAY
Vulnerability isn’t necessarily the overall topic; it’s sharing those deeper layers.
Reframe #4: Vulnerability Can Be Navigating New Seasons
Imagine you and your friends treat each other’s houses like your own. You open cabinets freely. You go into each other’s rooms whenever. You might even take a nap on your friend’s bed.
Then your friend meets a new romantic partner.
Suddenly, you’re navigating the vulnerability of your friendship feeling different, even though it’s an incredibly established friendship. You don’t know how each of you will react in this new dynamic. What feelings will be hurt? What boundaries need to shift?
That navigation? That’s vulnerability.
Reframe #5: Vulnerability Can Be CONFLICT
Telling a friend they’ve harmed you and made you feel lesser-than, not knowing how they’ll react to your feedback.
Or sharing how they’ve harmed another friend.
Standing up for yourself or others in a friendship? Absolutely vulnerable.
Reframe #6: Vulnerability Can Be ACTIONS
Here’s a story for you: In college, I went to a Zumba class with two of my closest friends.
When I tell you I am incredibly uncoordinated, you should believe me. I’m the person in spin class who’s standing when everyone else is sitting.
My friends KNEW this. So they positioned us in the back corner with me between them.
For an entire hour, I ran into them. Every time everyone went right, I went left and crashed into my friend. And vice versa.
They thought it was kind of funny (they expected it). But I felt MORTIFIED.
There’s so much vulnerability in our actions that often isn’t acknowledged.
Trying something new with a friend, especially when they’re experienced and you’re not? That’s putting yourself out there. That’s risking looking foolish. That’s vulnerable.
What Small Intimacies Actually Look Like
Now that we’ve reframed what vulnerability is, let me give you examples of small intimacies.
I want to be clear: There are probably hundreds of thousands of variations. I can’t possibly list them all. But as you start to see them, it becomes muscle memory. They become more and more apparent.
Example #1: Answering Honestly
Your friend asks “How’s your day?”
Instead of saying “fine,” you say: “You know, it’s been a rough one.”
That’s it. You don’t need to go into details. You don’t need to dive into the deep end. You’re just being honest and allowing yourself to be seen.
Example #2: Inviting Someone Into Your Home
Now, this might feel like a BIG intimacy to you, and that’s totally valid! Remember, everything is relative and personal.
But if it doesn’t feel that risky to you, this is a great one to offer up to people. Don’t wait. Invite them over sooner rather than later.
And here’s the advanced version: When people come to your house, don’t apologize for its state.
Don’t apologize if it’s messy. Don’t apologize if it’s under construction. Don’t apologize if there’s no food in your fridge.
Just allow people to be in your current reality with you.
Example #3: Introducing Different Parts of Your Life
Let’s say you invite your coworkers to meet some family members.
Your family will hear what you’re like at work when you’re under pressure. Your coworkers will learn what you were like when you were younger.
That’s a small intimacy: allowing your friends to piece together different sides of your life, even though it feels a little raw to be seen that way by people who only have one picture of you.
Example #4: Being Honest About Your Limits
Your friend is going through health issues. They ask if you can give them a ride to appointments on Fridays.
You say: “Yeah, I can do that. I can actually drive you on Mondays and Fridays.”
They’re grateful. After a few weeks, they ask: “I actually have appointments four times a week. Could you do the other days too?”
And here’s the small vulnerability: Being honest about your capacity.
“I really would love to, and I’m so happy I can show up for you these two days a week. But I just can’t do four.”
You don’t know if they’ll be disappointed. You don’t know if they’ll back out of the two days. It’s a small risk; but it’s a risk.
Example #5: Being Over-The-Top Enthusiastic
Your friend tells you about a big win at work.
Instead of just saying “congrats,” you’re OVER THE TOP enthusiastic. You gush. You follow up with a note about how proud you are. You mention it to other people because you’re just so damn proud.
That’s you being vulnerable: admitting this friend means so much to you and you want them to know it.
Example #6: Words of Affirmation
Telling someone how much you care about them. How much you enjoy their company. How much you appreciate their friendship.
I have a personal example of this: I recently did a podcast recording with someone I’ve become internet friends with. We’ve hung out on Zoom a couple times.
In the middle of the recording, she said: “People are going to look back 30 years from now and realize this was the start of our friendship.”
My brain went DING DING DING DING.
Because wow, that’s BOLD. On one of our very first hangouts, she’s admitting: “I enjoy this connection so much that I really hope this turns into a bigger friendship.”
She had no idea if I’d be like “whoa, we just met!” But she took the risk.
And I noticed. I tucked it away. She really enjoys our time together.
Example #7: Physical Touch as Support
Placing a hand on someone’s shoulder as a sign of support or sincerity.
This might seem small to you, but remember: everything is relative. Everyone’s feelings about physical contact are different.
Where this comes to mind for me is with my guy friends. A lot of us are huggers. But there’s something about the small intimacy when they tell me something really exciting or really hard, and I turn and place my hand on their shoulder and say:
“I am so proud of you.”
Or: “I am always here if you need me.”
I have no idea if they’ll feel like I was too much. So it’s a little bit of a risk every time I do it.
The Cumulative Impact
Here’s what I hope you’re starting to see:
Once you lean into this concept, you realize there could be DOZENS of small intimacies in a single hangout.
While so many of us have been focused on the big intimacies (the late-night deep conversations, the major reveals), we’ve been letting these small moments pass by.
Or we’re not even taking action to create them because we don’t see them as worthwhile.
But they ARE worthwhile. They add up.
The cumulative impact could be profound. You could feel connected with a friend quicker, deeper, more consistently than ever before.
It won’t look like a big deal on the surface. You might not be able to pinpoint the exact moment you felt like your friend really opened up to you.
But you’ll have this sense that you’ve built SO MANY of these moments into your friendship that you have no doubt:
- ▪️ That person is your friend
- ▪️ They’re someone you can trust
- ▪️ They’ll show up for you
- ▪️ They have your best interests at heart
You’ll have a mountain of evidence instead of waiting for one perfect moment.
In the full episode, I share even more examples of small intimacies and talk about how this concept has changed my own friendships. If you’re someone who feels like your friendships never get “deep enough” or you’re always waiting for that breakthrough moment, this framework might be exactly what you need.
How To Shift Your Friendship Culture
Okay, so you’re bought in. You see the value of small intimacies. You’re ready to start offering them up more.
But here’s the thing: You can offer them all day long, but if your friends don’t NOTICE them, they won’t catalog them as evidence.
So how do you get your friends on board? How do you shift your friendship culture to value these small moments instead of only focusing on the big ones?
Strategy #1: Just Start Acknowledging Them
You don’t need to have a big conversation about “small intimacies” (though you’re welcome to share this episode!).
You can just start NAMING what’s happening.
When you offer a small intimacy:
“I don’t normally do this, but I wanted to have you over. It felt so comfortable having you here.”
When you receive one:
“I know you’ve been really insecure about taking this leap, and I feel so honored that you told me about your promotion.”
Follow up a few days later: “Hey, I can’t stop thinking about your promotion. I’m so proud of you. And I know you’re not telling a lot of people, but I feel really honored to be in the know. I’m always here for you.”
When you notice your friend letting you in:
“I really appreciate you being honest about your capacity. I know that’s not always easy to say.”
Strategy #2: Acknowledge When You React Poorly
Because everything isn’t always positive, and you won’t always respond perfectly.
Let’s say your friend tells you they’re moving for a job. They’re really excited. But you’re sad they’re leaving, and you didn’t react well.
Acknowledge it:
“Hey, I know you’re not telling many people right now, and I’m sorry my feelings of sadness got in the way. But I am really, really happy for you.”
Acknowledging your imperfect response? That itself is a small intimacy.
Strategy #3: Approach With Curiosity When Your Friend Doesn’t Respond Well
Let’s say you told your friend about a big goal you have, and they just… didn’t react the way you hoped.
Instead of shutting down, try curiosity:
“Hey, I was really excited to tell you about that goal. And I noticed you seemed a little off. I’m wondering if maybe because you’ve been going for something similar, you had your own reactions? I’m just curious what happened there.”
Strategy #4: Make Small Things A Slightly Bigger Deal
Instead of letting these moments pass by unnoticed, acknowledge them.
“I loved that you were so enthusiastic about my news. That really meant a lot.”
“Thank you for being honest about how you’re feeling today instead of just saying ‘fine.’”
“I noticed you didn’t apologize for your messy house when I came over, and I really appreciated that. It made me feel comfortable.”
When you start naming these moments, it becomes easier for everyone to see them.
The Invitation
I want to close with this:
So much of what I talk about on this podcast is about letting things live in the gray. Not forcing everything to be all-or-nothing. Letting things build on a spectrum. Appreciating cumulative impact.
And that’s exactly what small intimacies are about.
We’ve gotten this hyper-focus on the big things. And yes, those are great. It feels amazing to be let in on your friends’ big moments.
But while we’re sitting here waiting for that, focused on what ISN’T there in our friendships, we’re missing what IS there. Or we’re holding back what COULD be there because we don’t think small moments are enough.
They are enough.
As you start offering them up more and leaning into this concept, it gets easier. It creates more consistency. It builds stronger friendship beliefs with the people who matter to you.
So you’re not doubting whether they’ll show up for you. You’re not questioning if they really care. You KNOW they do, because you have mountains of evidence.
Your Next Step
Here’s what I want you to do:
Spend some time reflecting on ways you could let people into your life through small intimacies.
Is it inviting someone over to your house? Not cleaning up as much before they arrive? Driving a friend somewhere? Leaning in for that hand on the shoulder? Being honest when someone asks how you’re doing?
What are some small risks you could take that feel manageable?
Then try offering those up more regularly.
Notice what happens. See how it impacts your friendships.
And start acknowledging these moments, both when you offer them and when your friends do.
Because connection doesn’t have to wait for the perfect moment. It’s happening in dozens of small moments every single day.
You just have to start seeing them.
Want to dive deeper into building evidence for your friendship beliefs? Dive deep into the full episode.
