The Connection Reset: Companion Guide

Overview

The Connection Reset is a free 10-day audio challenge that helps you notice the connection that’s already happening in your everyday life. No journaling, no assignments, just awareness. Each day pairs a short audio lesson with a few reflection questions, and this page is the full written companion, day by day.

If you’ve landed on this page but haven’t downloaded The Connection Reset yet, no worries! This is an audio series you can be listening to in 90 seconds… just head here and download your copy: Get The Connection Reset →

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Introduction: Why Connection Feels So Hard

I get it. I really do. Wherever you are… Maybe you’re convinced you don’t have any friends. Maybe you have friends, maybe even multiple friend groups, but there’s this tugging sense of loneliness. Maybe it’s bone deep or maybe it’s just lingering there in the background and surfaces at the most inconvenient moments.

We all move through our days surrounded by people, with moments of feeling seen, but many more moments of feeling like you’re just existing in the room. And when you’re by yourself… it feels like you’re floating on your own.

Does anyone even think of you?

You feel like an imposter sometimes, like you don’t fully belong – sometimes that feeling even creeps in while you are in spaces where people care about you.

And honestly? I understand why you feel this way. Because we’ve been fed some pretty intense messages about what friendship “should” look like.

We’ve been told that real friends should be able to hold all the parts of you. That they should always be your safe space. That if you can’t share your deepest, darkest secrets with someone, then it’s just a surface-level relationship. We’ve been taught that small talk is meaningless, that anything less than soul-baring conversation doesn’t count as real connection.

But what if we questioned that for a minute?

What if seeing the grocery store clerk who’s been ignored all day? Actually seeing them as a human being and giving them a genuine smile. What if that IS its own kind of depth?

What if being honest about how you’re feeling in this moment, even if it’s not your greatest fear, is actually letting someone in?

What if someone asking you one question beyond “how was your weekend” (even if it’s not the deepest question of all time) is actually them trying to slowly inch their way towards going deeper with you?

In a world where we’ve been taught that connection is either SHALLOW or DEEP, I want to ask you: What if there’s a whole spectrum of connection we’ve been missing?

Because here’s what I’ve noticed: while we’re waiting for those big, intense heart-to-heart conversations that happen every few months, we’re missing hundreds of small moments where people are actually trying to connect with us. Or when we want to connect with someone but hold back. Or where we make that connection, but then walk away and minimize what happened, versus appreciate it.

We’re regularly talking ourselves out of our own impulses to reach toward others because we’ve convinced ourselves that the small ways don’t matter.

What if they do matter? What if connection is happening all around you, and you just need to learn how to see it?

Why Connection Feels So Hard

So why does connection feel so impossibly hard right now?

Look, it would be easy to say this is all on us. That we just need to try harder, be better friends, put ourselves out there more. But that’s not fair, and it’s not the whole story.

There are real external forces at play here.

• The rise of digital connection promises intimacy but often delivers isolation.
• The demands of busy life where “maintaining friendships feels like admin,” like just another task on an already overloaded to-do list.
• The atomized structure we live in is separated by massive yards, cars, and spread far and wide, maybe not even across the city, but across the globe.
• Serious structural and systemic reasons keep us isolated. Societal narratives have set impossible standards for what friendship should look like.

But here’s the thing: even with all those external forces working against us, we still need people.

Connection isn’t optional. It’s not a luxury we can put off until we have more time or energy. It’s survival.

So we have a choice. We can wait for the world to change, or we can start to work with what we have right now.

One of the first things we can do is learn to pay attention to our own urges and patterns around loneliness. Loneliness is basically like any other cue our body gives us: a hunger cue, for example. When we are hungry, our body is drawn to food; we dream of it, our mouth waters, and our stomach grumbles. Well, the connection is the same. We get signals like wishing we could talk to someone, wanting not to be alone in our houses, thinking of others, daydreaming about past fun memories, but how often are we ignoring those signals?

When we tell ourselves, “I’m fine, I don’t need anyone,” we start to turn up our tolerance. That tolerance build up becomes something called learned loneliness. We’ve convinced ourselves that we survived yesterday and the day before that with the loneliness levels we’ve been at… So what’s a few more days? We can go longer and longer without meaningful connection before we even notice we’re starving for it.

We’ve learned to suppress our urges to reach out, to share something small about our day, to be curious about someone else’s life. We tell ourselves those impulses don’t matter. We’ve trained ourselves to dismiss the small gestures others make toward us. “They’re just being polite.” “They probably do this for everyone.”

Meanwhile, we’re moving through our days on autopilot. One person said it perfectly: “Most times I don’t message at all because I don’t think I have anything interesting to say.” Another shared: “Why does maintaining friendships feel so mentally exhausting… it doesn’t come naturally to me.”

But what if it’s not that connection doesn’t come naturally? What if we’ve just forgotten how to recognize it when it’s happening right there in our everyday moments?

This Isn’t About Adding More

Here’s the thing… this exercise you are embarking on for the next 10 days is all about awareness, and I think it can make huge shifts! That’s not to say that you can just notice and every friendship will magically change – you’ll have to eventually take some actions, commit to some friendship admin, reach out, put in some time, but before you do that, we’re going to focus on the awareness part.

But here’s what I’ve noticed: most people are trying to skip straight to the action part. They’re forcing themselves to schedule coffee dates, send texts, and plan gatherings, but it feels exhausting because they show up, order their coffee, then sit there across from someone, focused on what is missing rather than what IS there and positive in that friendship. When we can stay in the flow of noticing the little things that are present in our friendships, they start to feel like a foundation.

It’s like trying to stick to a budget without first noticing all those moments throughout your day when you have the impulse to spend money you’ve decided not to spend. Or trying to eat more fruits and vegetables without first noticing all the moments you automatically reach for the same thing you eat every day, when you could actually make a different choice.

You have to notice the impulse first. The awareness comes before the action.

So that’s what we’re going to do. We’re going back to the very basics, just the awareness. And we’re going to see how much of an impact that awareness alone has on our friendships and connections.

Because here’s what happens when you start paying attention: you create ongoing connection momentum. Instead of feeling like you have to jump-start every friendship interaction from zero, you feel like you’re just jumping into a stream that’s already flowing.

• When you text someone, it doesn’t feel forced because you noticed you thought of them earlier that week, and now you trust you are just following your impulses rather than needing some big reason why you sent the text.
• When someone reaches out to you, you recognize it as part of an ongoing dance of connection instead of an isolated event.
• When your brain tries to tell you “nobody cares,” you have all these little moments of recent evidence to point to and say, “Actually, brain, what are you talking about? Here are ten things from just this week that tell me otherwise.”

The connection you’re craving? It’s already happening around you. You just need to learn how to see it. And once you start seeing it, you can’t unsee it. That’s when taking action stops feeling like work and starts feeling like… just responding to what’s already there.

What You’ll Discover

Over the next 10 days, you’re going to discover three key areas where connection is already happening… you just haven’t been trained to see it yet.

• Days 1-3 are about internal awareness. We’re going to start by noticing your own connection impulses and patterns. Like on Day 1, you’ll pay attention to when someone randomly pops into your head – what triggered that thought? Day 2, we’ll notice whether you’re moving through your day open or closed off to connection. And Day 3, we’ll catch those moments when you wish connection was different, but immediately talk yourself out of it.
• Days 4-6 shift to external awareness – noticing how others are reaching toward you. On Day 4, you’ll start recognizing when someone offers you small intimacy or vulnerability. Day 5, you’ll notice when someone offers you something – a compliment, help, a physical item – and whether you accept it or push it away. Day 6 is about catching when someone asks a question that goes beyond small talk.
• Days 7-9 are about recognizing your self-sabotage patterns – the ways you minimize or negate connection that’s actually happening. You’ll catch yourself thinking “they’re just being polite” or making someone else’s behavior about your worth instead of seeing they’re just human with their own stuff going on.

You don’t have to take action or change anything during these 10 days. This is purely about noticing. Some days you’ll observe a lot of connection opportunities, some days fewer… and that’s completely normal.

When something happens repeatedly, don’t just focus on the fact that it happened multiple times. Get curious about why. Try to dig a layer or two deeper. Was that really a pattern that feels normal for you? Was that a pattern because of the other person you were interacting with that day? Did you wake up feeling grounded or on edge. Could that have been why that pattern kept appearing?

The good news is you’ll always have these audios. You can come back to this exercise and do these 10 days again anytime you need to recalibrate your connection awareness.

How It Works

Here’s how this works. It’s simple.

Each day, you’ll listen to a short audio that focuses your attention on one specific thing to notice. Ideally, you’d listen in the morning to set your intention for the day, but if evenings work better for you, you can listen at night, sleep on it, and then notice throughout the following day.

Then you just… go about your day and pay attention. That’s it.

No journaling required, no assignments to complete, no pressure to do anything other than notice what’s already happening around you.

Some days you might catch yourself thinking, “Oh, there’s that thing Alex mentioned!” and other days it might be more subtle, hitting your awareness hours after the interaction. Both are perfectly fine.

What Will Change

Here’s what I know will happen over these next 10 days (and I can say this with confidence because I have yet to meet a single person who goes through this exercise without experiencing a shift).

You’re going to start seeing connection opportunities everywhere… and I mean everywhere. In the grocery store, in text exchanges, in conversations with coworkers, and in moments with family members. Connection that was always there but you just weren’t trained to recognize it.

It’s going to become harder and harder to hold onto that feeling of loneliness when you’re constantly aware of all these little moments that are adding up. Small moments that you used to dismiss will start feeling significant because you’ll understand what they actually represent: people reaching toward you, you reaching toward others, the ongoing flow of human connection that never really stops.

And here’s the beautiful part: this awareness compounds on itself. It’s like learning to type on a keyboard. At first, you have to think about where each key is, you’re hunting and pecking, paying attention to every movement. But over time, your fingers just know where to go. It becomes second nature.

That’s what this connection awareness becomes. After these 10 days, you’ll never unsee these moments. You’ll spot them faster, easier, and more in the moment. And that makes everything else – the reaching out, the deepening friendships, the building community feel like flowing with an electrical current instead of having to jumpstart the connection over and over again.

This is just the beginning. This awareness will make it much easier to take action and dive deeper into this work, because you’ll be working with momentum rather than against resistance.

I’m honestly excited to see what shifts for you. Let’s begin.

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Day 1: Notice Your Impulses to Connect

Our brains are vast places full of memories, triggers, and thought patterns. One of the things your brain is constantly doing in the background is making connections to other people as you move through your day. Today, we’re going to try to catch it in the act as many times as possible.

• Maybe you’re driving, and a certain song comes on, and suddenly you’re thinking about your college roommate.
• Maybe you pass by a restaurant and remember your sister mentioning she wanted to try that place.
• Maybe you see someone walking their dog and it reminds you of your neighbor who just adopted the same breed of puppy.
• Maybe you’re scrolling social media and see a post about hiking, and your mind goes to that friend who’s always posting trail photos.
• Maybe you see someone wearing a neon blue beanie and your brain goes to the neighbor you’ve never met but who has the same beanie.

Today, I want you to catch these moments. When someone pops into your mind, pause for just a second and dig a little deeper.

First, what triggered that thought?

• Was it something you saw, heard, smelled, tasted?
• Was it a place, an activity, a random association your brain made?
• Did they just randomly pop in your head out of what feels like nowhere?

Sometimes the trigger is obvious. You see their favorite coffee shop. Sometimes it’s more mysterious. You’re folding laundry and suddenly thinking about your high school friend for no apparent reason. You don’t need to find a reason. Just notice if there is one or not.

Second, what feelings come up when you think of this person?

• Do you smile?
• Do you miss them?
• Is there a strong sense of nostalgia?
• Do you feel warm and connected?
• Do you feel a little sad?
• Maybe you feel nothing at all – just a neutral “oh, Robby…”

There’s no right or wrong way to feel. Whatever comes up is just information.

And third, do any “shoulds” creep in? Do you immediately think “I should text them,” “I should call,” or “I haven’t talked to them in forever, I’m such a bad friend”? Just notice if your brain starts making a to-do list or starts judging you.

Now, if you’re not used to noticing things like this, you might be surprised by what comes up. You might think of someone and then immediately forget about it. You might think of the same person multiple times throughout the day. You might find your mind going to people you haven’t thought about in months. You might find that most of the people that pop into your head are because you feel you owe them something like a call, a follow-up action, or perhaps feel you owe them something more serious.

That’s all totally normal. We’re just collecting information here. We’re not trying to change anything or fix anything or shame ourselves for anything. We’re just being present and allowing whatever is there to exist.

So today, when someone pops into your head… pause, get curious, and just notice. What triggered it? How do you feel? What thoughts follow?

Today’s Reflection Questions

• How often do people pop into your head throughout the day?
• What typically triggers these thoughts of other people?
• What feelings come up when you think of them?
• Do any “shoulds” or judgments follow these thoughts?

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Day 2: Are You Open or Closed Off Right Now?

In a world where everything is competing for our attention (work, goals, social media, TV, tasks, judging ourselves and our success, signage, our surroundings), so many things are demanding our focus. It’s easy to stay locked onto those priorities and miss all the connection opportunities around us. Not because they don’t exist, but because noticing them simply isn’t a priority. We have other priorities.

Today, we’re going to practice seeing connection as a priority throughout our day. Sometimes that might cost us a couple of seconds, or it might mean taking a break from focusing on a goal for just a couple of minutes to have a nice interaction.

I want you to notice the moments when you’re closed off to connection: not to judge yourself, but to see when they happen.

• Maybe you’re so focused on taking the perfect photo of a social situation that you’re not actually present in the moment with the people around you.
• Perhaps you’re training for a marathon, and you’re so goal-focused that when you’re checking in for a race, you’re not even registering that you’re having an interaction with a human. You’re just trying to rush through with one-word responses, almost annoyed that they’re talking to you.
• Maybe it’s your barista who’s genuinely trying to smile and give you a good interaction, but you’re in such a rush that you’re frustrated they’re adding pleasantries instead of just taking your order. They ask, “How’s your day?” and you’re almost annoyed you have to answer because you just want them to make the coffee so you can get out of there.
• Or maybe it’s simpler… you’re wearing AirPods, scrolling your phone, or when you walk in the door at home, you’re already multitasking instead of giving the first two minutes of genuine attention to the people around you, really saying hi and being present for those 60-120 seconds.

Today, just notice these moments. Notice when everything else becomes a priority over connection. When someone is trying to connect with you, and you’re not prioritizing it. There’s no judgment here! You might truly think those other things are more important in that moment, and that’s okay. The whole point is to discover these moments so you can make conscious choices about them later.

So as you move through your day, ask yourself: Am I open or closed off right now? What am I prioritizing? Is there a human in front of me trying to connect, and how am I responding?

Today’s Reflection Questions

• When do you find yourself most closed off to connection?
• What typically takes priority over the person in front of you?
• How do you respond when someone tries to connect while you’re focused on something else?
• What would it feel like to pause and prioritize connection for just 60-120 seconds?

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Day 3: You’re Allowed to Want What You Want

There’s often such a scarcity mindset around friendship and connection that we feel like, if we have anything (any friends, any support, any community), we should just be grateful and never want anything different or more. We tell ourselves that we don’t have it as bad as other people, that we should just appreciate what we have.

But here’s the thing… You can be grateful for what you have AND wish for things to change. Those two things can exist at the same time.

Today is about catching those moments when you wish a connection were different. Whether that’s very different or just a little shift, and then noticing what happens next. Do you immediately talk yourself out of it?

This is a two-parter: First, notice the wishing or wanting. Second, observe whether you try to talk yourself out of it.

The wishes could be little or big.

• Maybe you wish you had someone to call about something hard you’re going through.
• Maybe you wish you had someone who would show up for you in person to help with something.
• Maybe you wish a conversation would go deeper… that someone would ask how you’re really doing or what’s new in your life.
• Maybe you wish that when a friend starts sharing something vulnerable, they wouldn’t stop themselves but would keep going because they felt safe sharing with you.
• Maybe you wish you didn’t work alone.
• Maybe you wish you had a community space to show up to anytime.
• Maybe you wish you had more time with someone, or that somebody lived closer.
• Maybe you wish you could move on from a friendship that’s not serving you anymore.

It really could be anything. But then what happens after you have that wish? Are you allowing yourself to dream of changes or are you shutting yourself down?

If you wish a conversation would go deeper, do you immediately think, “Well, they just don’t want to. I’m not a close enough friend”? You don’t actually know that… you just made that up.

If you wish somebody would ask how you’re doing, do you start telling yourself, “But they have a lot going on”? Okay, but that doesn’t mean they couldn’t simply ask how you’re doing.

If you wish someone would share something vulnerable with you, or that you could share something vulnerable with them, do you then tell yourself “Oh, I’m too much” or “They’re too much“?

If you’re wishing you had more time with someone, whether or not you can change that logistically, you’re still allowed to acknowledge that you like that person and want to spend more time with them. If you’re wishing you had more support, do you catch yourself thinking, “Well, I do have these people that show up,” even if it’s not quite what you need?

Today, just catch those moments. Notice the wish, then observe whether you allow it, dismiss it, or talk yourself out of it. You’re allowed to want what you want. Just see what comes up.

Today’s Reflection Questions

• What connection desires come up for you throughout the day?
• How do you typically respond when you wish something was different?
• What stories do you tell yourself to talk yourself out of your wants?
• What would it feel like to just let yourself want what you want without justifying it away?

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Day 4: The Small Ways People Let You In

It’s hard enough to notice ourselves (what we’re doing, why we’re doing it, what our internal talk sounds like) as we’ve seen over the last few days. But now we’re going to take it to another level: starting to notice the ways other people are letting us in.

Here’s the thing about building intimacy and connection: we don’t need to expose the deepest parts of ourselves to people right away. That should be a relief! It means we can slowly build up with someone through small moments. But if you haven’t trained yourself to notice these small little grains of sand, these tiny moments where we’re opening up to each other, then you’re missing out on the opportunity to collect all these little connection points.

Small intimacies or vulnerabilities are about taking a risk and putting yourself out there. Not the terrifying, life-changing risks, but the little risky moments.

Someone tells you about their love of pickles and eggs for breakfast, telling you about the milestone they hit in their fitness journey that they’re too nervous to share publicly, letting you see their reality: like their messy home, their messy car, and them showing up in their sweatpants and pajamas.

That’s all different than if they told you every detail about the worst night of their life, but it’s still them letting you in.

Here’s what makes this tricky: everybody’s definition of small versus big intimacy is different. What feels like no big deal to you might actually feel kinda risky for them. So it’s easy to assume something your friend does is meaningless when, in reality, they were consciously trying to let you in a small way.

These moments are easy to miss because:

1. You might see them as not significant.
2. They aren’t always talking. They could be actions.

Maybe someone drives you somewhere and you get to see that they have a messy car, or that they’re not great at parallel parking. Maybe it’s because you bumped into them at the grocery store and see they have three jars of pickles in their cart, and when you mention it, they get kinda shy and joke that that will only last them this week.

Maybe your friend just lost a loved one, and you’re so focused on the fact that they don’t want to talk about it that you glaze over the fact that they specifically asked if you could attend because it would help them on a hard day if you are there. That was them trying to open up, trying to let you in and tell you that you help keep them grounded. But you missed that because you felt slighted they won’t spend hours sharing all their emotions with you.

Today, I want you to pause when someone shares something, even something that seems mundane or small, and ask yourself: “Could this be them opening up a little bit? Could this be their way of letting me in?”

Most people just pass these moments by as meaningless. But what if they weren’t meaningless? What if they were small attempts at connection that you just weren’t trained to see?

Today’s Reflection Questions

• What small vulnerabilities did people share with you today?
• Which moments did you initially dismiss as meaningless?
• How do you typically respond when someone shares something small about themselves?
• What would it look like to receive these small offerings as gifts of trust?

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Day 5: Do You Let It In or Push It Away?

We say we want attention, we want people to notice us, we want support… but then, when it’s actually turned on us, do we allow it or do we push it away?

Today, we’re noticing when someone offers you something and how you respond to those offers.

People are constantly offering us things throughout the day:

• Compliments on our work, our outfit, or something we did.
• Help with recommendations, tasks, or bigger support.
• Physical items they want to lend or share.
• Deeper conversation when they ask follow-up questions and try to take things beyond surface level.

But what do we do when these offers come our way?

With compliments, do we say “thank you” and let it land? Or do we deflect by making fun of ourselves for the very thing they just complimented? Do we brush it off with “oh, thanks” and move on without really registering it?

With help, whether it’s something small like “I have a great recommendation for that plumber you needed, do you want it?” or something medium like “I’m happy to take your trash out while you’re away” or something bigger like “I’m happy to be your kid’s emergency contact,” do we accept it, or immediately say “No, no, you don’t need to do that”?

With physical items, when someone wants to lend us something, do we say, “I could never ask to borrow that, I know how important it is to you”… even though they offered?

With deeper conversation, when someone asks follow-up questions, do we shut it down with “Oh, it’s fine, I don’t need to talk about it” instead of taking them up on their offer to listen?

Here’s what’s important to understand: accepting doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing. You don’t need to gush endlessly about a compliment – just say “thank you” and let it sit with you internally. People can tell when you’re genuinely receiving something.

With help, you can find a middle ground. “Actually, just the first week would be amazing, then I’ll be back to handle it.” That’s still accepting without it needing to become some endless task on their to-do list.

Why do we push these offers away? Sometimes we feel unworthy. Sometimes we don’t want to be a burden. Sometimes we just have discomfort with receiving. All of those feelings are normal.

But here’s the truth:

• People genuinely want to help each other.
• They want to connect with you.
• They want to show up for you.

Today, just notice when someone offers you something: a compliment, help, an item, deeper conversation, their attention… and notice your response. Do you let it in or push it away?

Today’s Reflection Questions

• What offers came your way today (compliments, help, items, attention)?
• How did you typically respond to these offers?
• When do you find it hardest to receive from others?
• What would it feel like to simply say “thank you” and let something land?

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Day 6: They’re Trying, Just Not How You Expected

Remember Day 3, when we talked about noticing the moments you wish the connection was different? Well, here’s the thing: we all have visions of how we want things to look. Whether it’s a big vision of an entire support scenario, or something small like exactly how we wish someone would ask us a question, or the actions you wish they’d take to show up for you right now.

But unless we communicate that vision, people are just going to show up in the ways they’ve thought of. And it may not look exactly like what you thought it would, but that doesn’t mean they’re not trying.

Today, we’re noticing when someone is trying to connect, but we might miss it because we’re focused on how we WISH they had connected instead of appreciating the actions they did take.

• Maybe you wish somebody would stop by and sit with you, but they drop coffee off on your front porch.
• Maybe you wish somebody would call instead of texting.
• Maybe you wish somebody would know that feeding yourself dinner is just too much to ask this week, with how stressed you are, but they’ve been sending check-in messages instead.

That doesn’t mean they’re not trying.

• Maybe they’re doing what they would want if they were in your situation.
• Maybe they’re doing what worked with somebody else in their life.
• Maybe they’re showing up in ways that you used to appreciate and used to really land for you, but just aren’t what you need right now, and they don’t know that’s changed.

They also might be showing up for things you didn’t even know you needed them to show up for. You moved past a work milestone: it was actually a big deal, but you brushed right past it. Then they show up with balloons and cake to celebrate you. Did you notice that they were paying attention when you weren’t even paying attention to yourself?

This could be big things, like how people show up for your birthday. Or little things, like the barista you see every morning telling you they noticed you seem like you’re having a hard week, and they threw an extra cookie in your order.

Did you take a second to acknowledge that this person, maybe even a stranger, noticed you were struggling? Or did you just move past it because you wanted it to be your best friend noticing, not the barista?

Today, notice when someone reaches toward you, and notice your reaction. Are you appreciating what they’re offering, or are you focused on what you wish they were offering instead?

If they’re thinking about you and considering you on their own, they’re probably open to feedback. They’d probably listen if you told them exactly how you’d like to receive support. Maybe they can do it that way, maybe they can’t, but if they’re already showing up, they’d probably want to know.

Just notice today who’s reaching toward you, and how are you receiving it?

Today’s Reflection Questions

• How did people try to connect with you today, even if it wasn’t exactly what you expected?
• When did you focus on what was missing instead of what was being offered?
• Who showed up for you in ways you didn’t anticipate or ask for?
• What would it feel like to appreciate the intention behind someone’s actions, even if the execution wasn’t perfect?

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Day 7: The Facts vs. the Stories You’re Adding

How often are you making up stories? Because listen: making up stories can be a great way to relate to the world, but they aren’t a great way to relate to your connections.

Here’s what happens: You have an experience with someone. Your friend brings you coffee and drops it at your front door. That’s a fact. But then you make up a story about WHY they did it, and suddenly you’ve taken away all the positive meaning from that interaction.

“They only did it because they feel guilty for all the times they didn’t show up.” Now something nice your friend did has a damper on it.

This happens in any interaction. Someone offers help, gives you a compliment, checks in on you. Instead of just noticing what they did, you immediately start creating stories about their motivations.

• Maybe you’re trying to read their mind: “They’re just being polite,” or “They do this for everyone, it’s nothing special.”
• Maybe you’re making it about your inadequacy: “They think I can’t handle my life,” or “They only complimented me because I seemed like I needed encouragement.”
• Maybe you’re dismissing their choice: “They felt obligated” or “Someone probably told them to check on me.”
• Maybe you’re assuming ulterior motives: “They’re only being nice because they want something from me.”
• Maybe you’re dismissing the timing: “They only remembered because Facebook reminded them.”

All of these are stories layered on top of what actually happened. Here’s how to catch yourself doing this: The facts are “they did X.” The story I’m adding is “they did it because Y.”

We all make up stories that downplay our moments of connection from time to time (or maybe all the time). Your brain will keep making up stories even after you notice this pattern. That’s completely normal. But when we recognize these as stories instead of facts, everything changes because now we can poke holes in these outlandish things our brains are telling us and create room for the possibility that maybe… just maybe… our friends don’t have ulterior motives. They are just simply showing up because they care about you.

Today’s Reflection Questions

• What stories did you add to people’s actions today?
• When do you find yourself most likely to make up negative motivations?
• Can you separate the facts (what they did) from your stories (why you think they did it)?
• What would it feel like to just appreciate someone’s actions without questioning their motives?

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Day 8: Are You Training People to Stop Reaching Toward You?

Today, we’re looking at a behavior: the ways you might actually shut down or avoid connection when it shows up.

This isn’t just passively ignoring connection anymore. This is actively taking steps to reroute away from it.

• Maybe someone calls, and you don’t call them back.
• Maybe someone texts and you read it, but don’t respond.
• Maybe someone tries to go deeper in conversation, and you change the subject.
• Maybe friends want to make plans and you make excuses about being too busy (and you’re always busy. Sorry! But that’s just the reality right now).
• Maybe when someone asks how you’re doing, you give the shortest possible answer to kill the conversation.
• Maybe when someone offers help, you put up walls and tell them, “I got it.”
• Maybe when things start to get real, you deflect with humor or suddenly become unavailable.

Here’s what’s happening: you’re not only stopping the connection in that moment, you’re probably sending a signal to the other person that you don’t want it at all… ever.

Think about it: if you’re always wishing people would ask you more questions about your life, but then you consistently give short, conversation-ending answers when they do ask, they’re getting really confused. They’re probably going to ask fewer and fewer questions because they think you don’t want to share.

If you keep making excuses when friends try to make plans, they’re going to stop inviting you because they think you’re not interested.

You’re actively training people not to reach toward you.

This could be happening for a million reasons: fear of vulnerability, self-protection, feeling unworthy, feeling like you take up too much space, feeling too awkward or too much, worrying you’ll disappoint them. The why doesn’t really matter right now.

What matters is noticing it. Because once you start seeing this pattern, you can begin to catch yourself in the moment and maybe, just maybe, choose a different response.

Today, notice when connection shows up and you actively work to avoid it or shut it down. You might notice the avoidance behavior first… that’s usually pretty obvious. The connection opportunity might be something you have to reflect on afterward.

Just see what comes up. No judgment, just awareness.

Today’s Reflection Questions

• When did you actively avoid or shut down connection today?
• What connection opportunities did you reroute away from?
• How might you be training people to stop reaching toward you?
• What fears or protective instincts come up when connection feels too real?

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Day 9: Are You Jumpstarting or Staying in the Flow?

Do you feel like you’re always having to jumpstart your friendships? Like you’re constantly trying to come up with something to check in about, something to ask about, plans to make?

What if instead of jumpstarting, you stayed in the current? What if you kept the flow going?

Here’s what I mean: Connection has momentum. It’s like an electrical current. But when you don’t follow through on connection opportunities, that current stops. Then you’re sitting there later feeling like you have to create something from scratch instead of just continuing what was already flowing.

Today, we’re noticing when you don’t follow through. When you start the connection process, but then let it drop.

• Maybe you make plans with someone, but never follow up to confirm.
• Maybe you say “we should get together,” but never actually schedule anything.
• Maybe someone shares something vulnerable with you, and you don’t check back in about it later.
• Maybe you start a deeper conversation, but don’t continue it the next time you talk.
• Maybe you offer to help with something, but don’t actually do it.
• Maybe you say you’ll send them that recipe, that link, that recommendation… and then you forget.

Or maybe it’s about how you respond to others. Someone invites you somewhere, and you say “maybe,” but never actually give them a real answer. Someone shares something personal, and you don’t really listen or receive it. Someone tells you about an important date coming up, and you don’t make a note of it.

Sometimes life gets busy, and things slip through the cracks. Sometimes you remember later, but then it feels weird. Is it too much to check in on that vulnerable thing they shared? So it gets lost in the shuffle and the momentum dies.

Today, just notice when you don’t follow through. Notice when there was momentum in a connection, and you let it stop instead of keeping it going.

If you want to take it a step further, try this: when you’re ending a conversation, walking out of a room, going to bed after a hangout – make a mental note of something that could be the follow-up next time. What did they tell you that you could check in about? What did you offer that you could actually do? What invitation needs a real response?

That way, instead of racking your brain a week later trying to think of something to say, you’re just continuing the flow that was already there.

Just notice today. See what comes up.

Today’s Reflection Questions

• When did you start connection but not follow through today?
• What momentum did you let die instead of keeping it going?
• What could you follow up on from recent conversations?
• How would it feel to continue existing flows instead of constantly starting from scratch?

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Day 10: Time to Experiment (And What Happens Next)

Pulse check. That’s a lot of awareness for one person.

But now that you’ve seen all these places where you might be getting in your own way… are you dying to try rewriting some of these patterns?

Over the past nine days, you’ve been noticing when you minimize connection moments, when you make up stories about people’s motivations, when you actively avoid or shut down connection, and when you don’t follow through on opportunities. You’ve seen yourself ignoring your impulses when someone pops into your head, missing small vulnerabilities, and pushing away offers of help.

Today, when you catch yourself in one of those patterns, pause for 10 seconds and try the opposite.

You can approach this however it works for you.

• Maybe go after the patterns that bother you most when you do them.
• Maybe start with the ones that were easiest to notice and would be simplest to shift.
• Maybe focus on interactions with people who mean the most to you, or places where the stakes feel highest: work, home, your closest relationships.

You don’t need to tackle everything at once. Pick one small thing you want to shift and start experimenting.

• Sit with the discomfort of letting the compliment land instead of deflecting it.
• Take out your AirPods when you’re walking around your neighborhood and look open to connection as you pass neighbors.
• Accept the help instead of saying “I got it.”
• Give a real answer (even if it’s not the deepest version of that answer) instead of shutting down the conversation.
• Actually follow through on what you said you’d do.

Here’s something we haven’t talked much about: notice what happens in your body when you try these new patterns. We act in our old ways because our bodies think they’re protecting us, but really, it’s just because they’re comfortable. The alternative pattern we wish we automatically did, but it is uncomfortable… it isn’t bad, it’s just unfamiliar.

When you do try anything new, it might feel uncomfortable. Think about it like this: if you start working out more, lifting weights, moving your body differently, you expect to be sore for the first couple of weeks, right? Connection is no different. You might find yourself in awkward situations, feeling a little nervous or uncomfortable as you practice new patterns. But trust that the more you do this, the more those feelings will fade, just like soreness goes away when you stick with a new strength program.

This becomes muscle memory over time.

Remember, nobody is 100% aware or acting in the most connected ways 100% of the time. And you won’t have some sort of overnight transformation.

Moving forward, the goal is just a few small shifts throughout your day. Let’s say tomorrow you notice five moments and act differently in three of them. Then you do that again every day for the next week. It won’t be long before you start to feel more connected to the people and places around you, to your closest friends, to your family, to everyone in your life.

It doesn’t need to be some big, all-or-nothing transformation. Small shifts add up.

The connection you’re looking for? It might be closer than you think. You just have to let it in.

Today’s Reflection Questions

• Which patterns feel easiest to shift today?
• What happens in your body when you try a new response?
• How does it feel to experiment with letting connection in?
• What small shifts can you commit to practicing regularly?

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What’s Next

You’ve just completed something pretty amazing! 10 days of connection awareness that most people never take the time to develop. This foundation you’ve built? It’s going to serve you well.

Over the next few days, you’ll receive some emails sharing more about Alex’s approach to friendship and community, including the framework she uses to help people build lasting connections.

After that, you’ll start receiving the weekly newsletter, The Connection Cue: short (under 30 seconds to read), one small friendship action each week, plus links to whatever’s newest across the podcast, blog, and beyond.

And if you want to go deeper. As in, real conversations with other people focused on building friendship, community, and connection in their everyday lives: The Less Lonely Club on Substack is where that happens. It’s free to join.

The work you’ve done here isn’t a one-time thing. You can always come back to these audios whenever you need to recalibrate your connection awareness. Many people find it helpful to repeat this process every few months.

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