“What complicates it even more for me, is I’m an introvert, and I’m a hardcore introvert. I like to be alone. I need to be alone. And so when I add that in, it sort of feels like, well, then I’ll just be alone, because it feels good. I’m not even gonna invest my time and energy, because I’m ‘bad’ at this, and I don’t really need it.” – Becky Mollenkamp
Here’s something that might blow your mind: You probably have more friends than you think you do.
I know, I know. If you’re an introvert who’s spent years feeling like you’re terrible at friendship, that statement probably made you want to close this tab. But stay with me for a minute.
I recently sat down with Becky Mollenkamp, a self-proclaimed “hardcore introvert,” and she told me something that stopped me in my tracks. After years of believing she was bad at friendship, she started talking openly about her struggles… and people responded by saying, “Wait, aren’t we friends?”
Suddenly, she realized she’d been surrounded by friendships all along. She just hadn’t recognized them because they didn’t look like what she thought friendship was supposed to look like.
Let’s get real about something: Most of what we see portrayed as friendship is an extroverted vision. And if you’re an introvert trying to force yourself into that model, you’re going to feel broken, exhausted, and like you’re failing at something that should come naturally.
But here’s the truth – you’re not failing. You’re just using the wrong blueprint.
The Problem: We’re All Following the Extrovert’s Friendship Manual
Think about how friendship gets portrayed everywhere – movies, TV shows, social media, even the stories your friends tell about their other relationships.
It’s always the same script: Best friends who want to spend all their time together. Group hangouts that go late into the night. Constant communication. Being each other’s plus-one to everything. Living together, traveling together, doing everything together.
And if you’re an introvert looking at this thinking, “That sounds absolutely exhausting,” you start to believe something’s wrong with you.
Becky put it perfectly when she described her childhood experience: “I moved around a lot as a child… I got this belief system that I wasn’t going to have long-term friendships, that friendships kind of come and go. And that’s what I always saw as the role model of friendship… this idea that you’re supposed to have that best girlfriend that you tell everything to and you talk to her all the time.”
When she didn’t have that one person, she assumed she was doing it wrong.
But here’s what nobody tells you: That model works great for extroverts who get energized by being around people. For introverts who get drained by social interaction? It’s a recipe for burnout and self-doubt.
In the full episode, Becky goes deep into how this realization changed everything for her – how she stopped trying to force herself into extroverted friendship patterns and started honoring what actually worked for her energy. If you’ve ever felt guilty for needing space from your friends or preferring smaller gatherings, her perspective might completely shift how you see yourself.
The Energy-Based Friendship Framework
Here’s what I want you to understand: Friendship isn’t about how much time you spend together or how often you communicate. It’s about connection that works for both people involved.
And for introverts, that means building friendships around energy management, not energy depletion.
Step 1: Understand Your Social Energy Pattern
Before you can build friendships that work, you need to get honest about what drains you and what doesn’t.
Becky realized this when she became a mom: “Having this little person who depends on you entirely, and needs you all the time… losing all sort of this bodily autonomy… I started to realize that my son was a hardcore extrovert, like at the other end of the spectrum, that really started to open my eyes even more about what introversion looks like.”
Ask yourself:
- ▪️ After spending time with people, do you feel energized or drained?
- ▪️ Do you prefer deep conversations with one person or group discussions?
- ▪️ Would you rather text or call? (Be honest – there’s no wrong answer)
- ▪️ Do you need recovery time after social activities?
- ▪️ What size gatherings feel comfortable vs. overwhelming?
This isn’t about being antisocial. It’s about understanding your operating system so you can work with it instead of against it.
Step 2: Redefine What “Spending Time Together” Looks Like
One of my favorite insights from talking with Becky was her description of introvert-friendly activities: “Those friendships often look like just sitting and talking… we’re not necessarily those people you see where you’re like, ‘I gotta go to the vacation spot and be at the beach with all the other people.’ It can be like, we’re just going to sit together and read or watch a TV show or whatever. And that stuff fills us both up.”
Parallel connection is a beautiful thing. You can:
- ▪️ Read in the same room without talking
- ▪️ Work on separate projects while sharing space
- ▪️ Take a class together where you’re both learning but not required to socialize
- ▪️ Go to a movie (built-in quiet time with small talk before and after)
- ▪️ Take walks where conversation happens naturally without pressure
These activities create connection without the energy drain of constant interaction.
Step 3: Communicate Your Needs (Without Apologizing)
This is where most introverts get stuck. You know what you need, but you feel guilty asking for it.
Becky shared a perfect example of how this works in practice. She has an extroverted friend who loves big parties, and here’s how they make it work: “We’ll go to her parties. But often what that looks like is I find space and time where we can talk more intimately even in the big group… I almost always leave the parties early. We don’t go as long as other people… she understands me now.”
You can advocate for your needs by:
- ▪️ Suggesting alternative activities that work for your energy
- ▪️ Being upfront about your communication preferences
- ▪️ Setting boundaries around how long you stay at gatherings
- ▪️ Asking for what you need instead of forcing what doesn’t work
The complete episode explores so much more about how to navigate these conversations – specific scripts for talking to extroverted friends about your needs, how to find that sweet spot between accommodation and authenticity, and why most people are way more understanding than you think they’ll be. If you struggle with setting boundaries or advocating for yourself in friendships, this conversation will give you so much practical insight.
Step 4: Recognize the Friendships You Already Have
Here’s where Becky’s story gets really good. After years of thinking she didn’t have “real” friends, she started being more open about her struggles. And something amazing happened:
“There were people who I… they are friends, but I just had in my head because we don’t spend a lot of time together, we don’t go to movies together… Maybe we only… like I have this book club that we only meet on Zoom. I’ve never met some of them in person… And in my mind, that meant we couldn’t be friends because we only meet on Zoom even though we meet literally every week for years.”
When she started talking about feeling friendless, these people responded with surprise: “I thought we were friends.”
Look around your life right now. Who are the people you enjoy talking to? Who do you feel comfortable being yourself around? Who shows up consistently in whatever way works for both of you?
Stop measuring these relationships against some external standard and start appreciating them for what they actually are.
What This Looks Like in Real Life
Let me paint you a picture of what successful introvert friendships actually look like…
You might have a friend you text with regularly but rarely see in person. When you do get together, it’s for coffee or a quiet dinner – just the two of you. You can go weeks without talking and pick up exactly where you left off.
You might have a workout buddy who you see twice a week at the gym. You chat between sets, but there’s no pressure to hang out outside of that context. It’s consistent, comfortable, and energizing rather than draining.
You might have online friends you’ve never met in person but who know you better than some people you see regularly. You support each other’s work, share resources, and have meaningful conversations – all without the energy drain of in-person socializing.
All of these count as friendships. All of them matter. All of them are valuable.
The Beautiful Truth About Introvert Friendship
Here’s what Becky discovered, and what I want you to know: “When I started to allow myself to redefine what friendship meant, I realized I had friends. I actually had a few friends. And now I realize I do have a nice little network of friends. And they are dear friends.”
Your friendship style isn’t wrong – it’s just different.
You don’t need to spend all your time with people to have meaningful connections. You don’t need to be constantly available or always up for group activities. You don’t need to apologize for needing space or preferring certain types of interactions.
What you need is to honor your energy, communicate your needs, and build connections that actually work for how you’re wired.
And here’s the thing that might surprise you – there are SO many other people out there who want exactly the same kind of friendships you do. People who prefer texting to calling. People who’d rather have deep conversations than small talk. People who want consistent, low-pressure connection.
You just need to stop trying to find them in spaces designed for extroverts.
Your Action Plan: Building Friendships That Actually Work for You
Here’s what I actually want you to do this week:
1. Take inventory of your current connections. Who are the people in your life that you enjoy interacting with, even if those interactions don’t look “traditional”? Write them down.
2. Pick one relationship that feels good but undervalued. Reach out to that person – text, email, whatever feels natural – and suggest doing something together that works for your energy.
3. Try one new way of connecting. Join an online community, sign up for a class, or create something (like Becky did with her masterminds) that brings together people with similar interests.
4. Practice advocating for your needs. The next time someone invites you to something that doesn’t work for your energy, suggest an alternative instead of just saying no.
Remember: Every extrovert-friendly activity has an introvert-friendly alternative. Every high-energy social situation has a low-energy version that can be just as connecting.
The Permission You’ve Been Waiting For
If you’re an introvert who’s spent years thinking you’re bad at friendship, I want you to hear this clearly: Your needs are valid. Your friendship style is legitimate. You don’t have to exhaust yourself trying to be someone you’re not.
The right friendships for you are the ones that leave you feeling connected AND energized, not drained and guilty.
As Becky put it: “My needs for a friendship are valid… my version of friendship, my needs for friendship are valid. They’re okay. And it can look the way that I needed to look and that doesn’t mean I’m a bad friend.”
Let that sit with you for a minute…
You get to build friendships that work for your energy, your communication style, your need for space, and your way of showing care. And when you do that, you’ll discover what Becky discovered – you probably have more meaningful connections in your life than you realized.
Keep the Conversation Going
I’m curious – what’s one friendship in your life that doesn’t look “traditional” but actually brings you joy? How might you nurture that connection in a way that honors both your needs?
If this resonated with you, I’d love for you to listen to the full episode with Becky. She shares so much wisdom about attachment styles, the “liking gap” (why we all underestimate how much people like us), and practical strategies for building the kind of community that actually sustains you as an introvert. Subscribe to Friendship IRL wherever you listen to podcasts and let this conversation give you permission to build friendships that feel good, not just look good.
Because your version of friendship? It’s not broken. It’s not wrong. It’s just waiting for you to honor it.
