“We’re so scared of doing the wrong thing… nobody’s talking about what to do instead. So now, we don’t know anything. And so then we just get caught in that fear cycle.” – Suzanne Jabour
Let’s get real for a minute.
You know that moment when someone you care about experiences a devastating loss, and you find yourself frozen? You want to help. You want to show up. But you’re terrified of saying the wrong thing, doing something that makes it worse, or honestly… you just don’t know what grief even looks like up close.
So you wait. You think about texting. You draft messages you never send. You tell yourself you’ll reach out “when you figure out the right words.” And before you know it, weeks have passed and now it feels too late and too awkward and the shame spiral begins.
Here’s what I learned from my conversation with grief educator Suzanne Jabour: this fear-shame cycle is exactly what’s breaking our connections when people need us most.
In the full episode, Suzanne and I go much deeper into why grief “changes your address book” – and more importantly, how we can change that pattern. It’s a conversation that will shift how you see the people around you who are navigating loss.
The Fear That Keeps Us Frozen
Suzanne lost her 22-year-old son Ben in September 2020. What surprised her wasn’t just the devastation of losing a child – it was watching her support system shrink when she needed it most.
“When Ben died, that wasn’t the case [people rallying around]. And you know, I have all kinds of theories about that… but it doesn’t really matter why people weren’t able to show up. It’s more important as a bigger conversation of why we as a collective can’t show up.”
The answer? We’re paralyzed by the fear of doing it wrong.
We kind of know the old playbook (casseroles and clichés) doesn’t feel right anymore. But nobody’s talking about what to do instead. So we get caught in this cycle where fear turns into shame, and when you’re in shame, you can’t learn or be curious or creative problem-solve. You just… disappear.
And here’s the heartbreaking part: while you’re spiraling about not knowing what to do, your grieving friend is dealing with secondary losses on top of their original one. The death of their person. The loss of their identity. And the loss of friends they thought would come running into the burning building.
The Truth About What Grievers Actually Need
But here’s what Suzanne taught me that completely reframes everything: grievers don’t need you to be perfect. They need you to show up messy.
“The people who showed up the best… they showed up with a level of vulnerability and honesty about how skilled or not they were. Most of us are unskilled, right? So the people who were the most helpful… were the ones who equally felt disoriented, unsure of what to do.”
They said things like: “Oh my gosh, this is so terrible. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say. If you just need me to sit quietly beside you, I can do that.”
The magic isn’t in having the perfect words. It’s in being honest about not having them while still choosing to stay.
The complete episode explores what it actually looks like to navigate these relationships – the specific moments when you have to choose vulnerability over safety, and how to learn to show up even when it feels terrifying. If you’re curious about what that process actually looks like, it’s all in there.
The Small Things Over Time Framework
Here’s where it gets practical. We want to take actions that match the intensity of what our friend is going through. When someone loses a child, you want to get on a plane, fill their freezer, move in and take care of everything.
But here’s what I’ve learned: the actions you want to do and the actions you can sustain over time are usually very different.
Suzanne put it perfectly: “We want to do something really impactful… But the things that are the most impactful are the little things over the longest time.”
What This Actually Looks Like
In the immediate aftermath:
- ▪️ Show up with your best skill set (cooking, organizing, grocery shopping, childcare)
- ▪️ Skip the dishes and send DoorDash gift cards instead of casseroles
- ▪️ If you say you’re coming at 3pm, show up at 3pm (or call if you can’t – they’ve been preparing all day)
- ▪️ Text with no expectation of a reply: “Thinking of you. No need to respond.”
Months later (when everyone else has moved on):
- ▪️ Put the anniversary date in your calendar with a reminder
- ▪️ Send simple messages: “I know today’s a hard day. I’m thinking of you and Ben.”
- ▪️ Offer specific support: “I have time today if you want to talk about your mom. Call me.”
- ▪️ Remember that it’s never too late to acknowledge their loss
The ongoing reality:
Your friend will forever be “the person whose [mom/son/spouse] died.” That’s not something to tiptoe around – it’s something to acknowledge with love while letting them show you how they want to navigate it in any given moment.
The Skill That Changes Everything
One of the most powerful things you can learn? How to shift the energy in a room when your friend has to share their grief story.
Picture this: Someone asks your friend “How many kids do you have?” and they answer “I have my daughter, and my son passed away two years ago.” Deer-in-headlights look from the questioner. Room goes silent.
Your friend just had to reveal something incredibly painful and now they’re managing everyone else’s discomfort too.
This is where you can be the friend who steps in confidently: “Ben was such a beautiful human. He would have loved to be here tonight – he loved supporting causes like this. Speaking of which, tell me more about how this fundraiser got started?”
Acknowledge the person who died. Honor that they mattered. Then pivot the conversation to safer ground so your friend can breathe.
You’re going to get it wrong sometimes. Do it anyway. Strong and wrong beats timid and perfect every time.
Why This Matters Beyond Grief
Here’s the thing – if we only practiced these skills during major losses, we’d all be terrible at them. But loss is constant. Job changes, friend breakups, investments that don’t work out, moves, divorces, health scares.
Every change brings some form of grief. Some losses feel like earthquakes, others just shake the floorboards. But they’re always happening.
I share so much more in the full episode about what it means to navigate these smaller losses and why acknowledging them matters so much. There’s something powerful about hearing the whole story that I think will shift how you see the people around you.
The Conversation We Need to Have
What if we started normalizing these conversations? What if, instead of waiting for tragedy to strike, we got curious about the losses we’re all carrying?
Try this: Next time you’re with close friends or family, ask “How’s everybody doing with… everything? What losses are you thinking about lately?”
Not everyone will be ready for that conversation. But some will. And those connections – where we can be honest about the messy, ongoing nature of loss – those are the relationships that don’t disappear when we need them most.
Your Next Step
If this conversation is stirring up memories of times you wanted to show up but didn’t, or times you let fear win… that’s normal. That’s human. The point isn’t to shame yourself for past moments of paralysis.
The point is to choose differently next time.
Start small. Start with the little losses. Practice showing up messy for the friend going through a breakup, the colleague who didn’t get the promotion, the neighbor dealing with a health scare.
Because when the big losses come – and they will come – you’ll have the muscle memory of connection instead of the habit of disappearing.
What’s one small thing you could do today for someone in your life who’s navigating any kind of loss?
Ready to dive deeper into these conversations? Subscribe to Friendship IRL wherever you listen to podcasts, and join the community of people who believe our connections don’t have to break when life gets hard.
