“I see connections as a pipeline. When the connection is really small, it’s like a small straw. And it’s so small that both of us cannot be in it at the same time. Like, I send you something through the straw, and you send me something back. Then as your connection grows, that pipeline grows, and then at one point, we can see, the connection is so big, that we can see each other whole, we can both be in that too. We don’t need to just send things through it.”
That’s how Vickie Leuenberger described connection during our recent podcast conversation, and it stopped me in my tracks.
Because here’s what I realized – most of us are living our entire social lives through tiny straws.
You know what I’m talking about, right? Those interactions where you’re constantly calculating: I texted them last, so now they need to text me back. I invited them over, so now they owe me an invitation. I shared something vulnerable, so now it’s their turn.
It’s exhausting. And it’s keeping us from the very thing we’re desperately trying to create – real connection.
But what if I told you there’s a completely different way to approach relationships? One where connection feels effortless instead of forced?
The Problem: We’ve Turned Connection Into a Transaction
Let’s get real about what’s happening in most of our relationships.
Vickie has been living full-time on a sailboat in the Caribbean for nine months, and the stories she shared about the cruising community honestly made me want to pack up my life and join them. But it wasn’t because of the beautiful sunsets or the adventure (though those sound amazing).
It was because of moments like this:
“We were at the grocery store the other day, and we bumped into a cruiser that we never met before, but that we know them because we know that their friends of friends. And all they were purchasing was a battery. So obviously, we just grabbed the battery and added it to our groceries. For us, it was like, well, you know, why have them take out their card, their wallet, just pay one battery when we had our whole groceries right there at the cashier, so we just grabbed their battery, paid for it. We never met this person before.”
When’s the last time you experienced something like that?
Here’s what’s wild – if someone did that for most of us in our regular lives, we’d probably panic. We’d insist on paying them back immediately, or we’d feel uncomfortable, or we’d wonder what they wanted from us.
We’ve been so conditioned to think of relationships as transactions that genuine generosity actually makes us suspicious.
We’re operating from scarcity instead of abundance. Competition instead of community. Straws instead of pipelines.
And it’s making connection feel impossible when it’s supposed to feel natural.
The Framework: From Human Doing to Human Being
Here’s what Vickie taught me that completely shifted how I think about this:
“I can just be. I can be my joyful self. I can smile, I can say hello, I can say have a good day. And I genuinely want people that I crossed my path today to have a good day… I’m just being a human being. Not a human trying, not a human doing, not a human giving, not a human taking just a human being.”
Think about that for a second. When was the last time you approached a social interaction from a place of just… being yourself? Not trying to impress anyone, not calculating what you might get back, not worrying about whether you’re being too much or not enough?
Most of us have forgotten how to just exist in relationships.
Instead, we’re constantly performing. We’re human doing instead of human being.
But here’s what happens when you shift from straw-thinking to pipeline-thinking:
Straw Relationships:
- ▪️ You take turns sharing and receiving
- ▪️ Everything feels calculated and measured
- ▪️ You’re constantly worried about balance and fairness
- ▪️ Conversations stay surface-level because vulnerability feels risky
- ▪️ You’re always wondering if you’re doing it “right”
Pipeline Relationships:
- ▪️ You can both show up fully at the same time
- ▪️ Generosity flows naturally without keeping score
- ▪️ You trust that support will be there when you need it
- ▪️ Conversations go deep because authenticity is the norm
- ▪️ Connection feels effortless because it’s based on genuine care
In the complete episode, Vickie shares the incredible story of how an entire community of strangers coordinated to help her when her boat’s motor died during a four-day sailing journey. It’s one of those stories that will give you chills and remind you what’s possible when people choose connection over self-protection.
The Shift: Curiosity Over Control
One of my favorite insights from Vickie was about curiosity:
“Curiosity will solve almost all of your life’s problems. If you’re curious about other humans, you’ll connect with other humans. If you’re curious about how to fix your problems, you’re going to find solutions for them.”
This hit me because I think most of us approach social situations trying to control the outcome instead of being curious about what might unfold.
We walk into a party thinking: I hope I meet someone interesting. I hope I don’t say anything awkward. I hope people like me.
But what if instead we walked in thinking: I wonder what I’ll learn about the people here. I wonder what stories they have. I wonder how I might be able to help someone or how someone might surprise me.
That shift from control to curiosity changes everything.
Vickie shared a perfect example of this. She had a friend visit from Canada who was amazed by how Vickie interacted with locals:
“The locals in the Caribbean will, especially if you’re a girl, will always say hi to you. ‘Hi, beautiful. I hope you have a beautiful day.’ And in America, that’s kind of perceived as catcalling, right? You feel like you’re gonna get street harassment… But these people just genuinely want to say hello, and have a nice day. They just expect a small bit of human connection.”
We’ve become so defensive, so suspicious of people’s motives, that we miss opportunities for genuine connection every single day.
What if we approached interactions with curiosity instead of suspicion?
The Beautiful Truth About Vulnerability
Here’s something else Vickie said that really stuck with me:
“When I was in September, people were offering me their big tube, and I was still expecting, responding with a straw, right? So I needed to first make that shift of, oh, what happens if I open my heart to everybody and start with the assumption that this relationship can be meaningful if I allow it to be?”
She had to learn to receive the generosity and openness that others were offering.
And this reminded me of a story she told about her friend who complained about a boring brunch with law school classmates. When Vickie asked what she did to make the conversation more meaningful, her friend admitted:
“If I started to talk about problems in my life, or challenges, or just being vulnerable… I don’t know, if they would have judged me, how they would have perceived me.”
Vickie’s response was perfect: “You’re part of the problem, because you were sitting at that table, and you didn’t allow yourself to feel vulnerable… you weren’t able to push through that resistance to get out of that straw, and to be the tube at that table.”
If we want different experiences, we have to do different things.
You can’t sit at a table full of surface-level conversation and complain that everyone else is being superficial while you’re also playing it safe.
Vickie goes so much deeper in the full episode about what it’s like to be the person who leads with vulnerability in spaces that aren’t used to it. She shares practical insights about how to navigate the discomfort of being the one who opens up first, and why it’s worth it even when others don’t immediately follow.
Practical Steps: Becoming a Pipeline Person
1. Start with the Assumption of Connection
Instead of approaching new people wondering if they’ll like you, approach them assuming that meaningful connection is possible. This small mindset shift changes your entire energy.
2. Give First, Without Keeping Score
Look for small ways to be generous – and I don’t mean money. Offer genuine compliments, share something helpful, ask thoughtful questions. Do it because you want to, not because you expect something back.
3. Practice “Just Being”
The next time you’re in a social situation, try this: Instead of thinking “What should I say?” or “How do I look?” just focus on being genuinely interested in the people around you. Notice how different it feels.
4. Choose Curiosity Over Judgment
When someone approaches you or starts a conversation, get curious instead of suspicious. What’s their story? What might you learn from them? What do you have in common?
5. Share Something Real
You don’t need to trauma-dump, but try giving real answers to simple questions. Instead of “I’m fine,” try “I’m actually having a challenging week because…” or “I’m excited because…” See what happens.
6. Be the Leader
Don’t wait for others to create the kind of connection you want. Be the person who invites others over, who asks the deeper questions, who remembers what people tell you and follows up.
The Ripple Effect
Here’s what’s beautiful about choosing to be a pipeline person – it’s contagious.
Vickie told me about meeting brand-new cruisers and being the first to welcome them with warmth and generosity: “It was amazing to see the same people one month later doing that to other people.”
When you start showing up differently, you give others permission to do the same.
But here’s the thing – you have to be willing to go first. You have to be willing to feel awkward sometimes. You have to be willing to offer your full self even when others are still operating from straws.
Because the alternative is staying stuck in transactional relationships forever.
In our conversation, Vickie shares so many more examples of what this looks like in practice – from the relationship-centered culture of the Caribbean to specific moments when strangers became lifelines. It’s one of those episodes that will shift how you see every interaction for weeks afterward.
The Permission You’ve Been Waiting For
I want you to know that the kind of connection you’re craving? It’s not just possible – it’s happening right now, all over the world.
There are communities where people show up for each other without keeping score. Where strangers become friends in a matter of days. Where generosity flows naturally because everyone trusts that they’re supported.
The only question is: Are you willing to be the person who starts creating that in your own life?
Are you willing to put down the straw and offer the pipeline?
Are you willing to be curious instead of suspicious?
Are you willing to just… be yourself, and trust that the right connections will form around that authenticity?
Because here’s what I’ve learned from conversations like this one: The world is full of people who are tired of surface-level interactions and desperate for something real.
They’re just waiting for someone to go first.
Your Turn
So here’s my challenge for you this week: Pick one interaction – maybe with a neighbor, a coworker, someone you see regularly but don’t really know – and approach it like a pipeline instead of a straw.
Be genuinely curious about them. Share something real about yourself. Offer something small without expecting anything back.
See what happens when you stop trying so hard to connect and just start being the kind of person you’d want to connect with.
Because the secret to effortless connection isn’t a secret at all. It’s just remembering how to be human with other humans.
And that? That’s something we all knew how to do before we forgot.
Ready to hear more? This conversation with Vickie is one of those episodes that will make you rethink everything about how relationships work. We dive deep into the cultural differences between transaction-based and relationship-based societies, the role of curiosity in building connections, and so many stories that will restore your faith in human kindness.
Listen to the full episode of Friendship IRL wherever you get your podcasts, and let me know – are you ready to trade your straw for a pipeline?
