“Friendship for me is comfort. When you’re around friends, you are just in your comfort. You don’t need to be anybody, you don’t need to pretend, you don’t need to prove anything.”
That’s how my recent podcast guest Manpreet Singh defines friendship, and honestly? It stopped me in my tracks.
Because here’s the thing – when was the last time friendship actually felt comfortable for you?
If you’re like most adults I talk to, the answer is probably “not recently.” Instead, friendship feels like this impossible puzzle you’re supposed to solve. You’re analyzing every text message, wondering if you’re being too much or not enough, overthinking every social interaction until your brain hurts.
But what if I told you that this struggle isn’t actually normal? What if friendship is supposed to feel… natural?
The Problem: We’ve Forgotten How Easy This Used to Be
Let’s get real for a minute. Think back to when you were younger – maybe in college, or your early twenties. Remember how friendships just… happened?
Manpreet shared something that really hit me during our conversation. He said, “I moved to the US when I was 23. From 23 to 33, for 10 years, I stayed there. The most beautiful friendships I built was in that period because I was new in a country. I didn’t know anybody… And I’ve been in UK now for 10 years. But I don’t have the same friendships, unfortunately, that I built there. Because in some ways, I have restricted myself.”
Here’s what’s wild – it’s not that we’ve lost the ability to make friends. We’ve just convinced ourselves it should be harder than it is.
When we were younger, we expected to mess up. We expected to fail. We were all figuring it out together, seeing each other’s vulnerabilities, and that connection actually brought us together. But somewhere along the way, we started believing we needed to have our lives completely together before we could let anyone in.
The older we get, the more we want to appear to know what we’re doing. So we hold back our failures, our struggles, our real selves. When we do that, others do it too. We end up in this weird dance where everyone’s pretending to be perfect, and no one feels comfortable enough to be real.
No wonder friendship feels impossible.
The Framework: Comfort Over Complexity
Here’s what Manpreet taught me that I want you to really let sink in:
“When I am able to call somebody a friend, that means I don’t have any more guards. I can just be myself, and that comes from the comfort, that comes from that deep understanding. It’s not that we tell each other in communication, ‘okay, you can be yourself.’ No. It’s one of those unsaid things that you just find comfort in because you know they will understand it.”
Friendship isn’t about meeting a checklist of expectations. It’s not about perfectly balanced communication, never having conflict, or showing up in all the exact right ways.
It’s about comfort.
And comfort comes from familiarity. From doing something enough times that it becomes natural instead of scary.
Think about anything in your life that feels comfortable right now – driving your regular route to work, making your morning coffee, having a conversation with your family. These things feel easy not because they ARE easy, but because you’ve done them so many times they’ve become familiar.
The same thing applies to friendship. The reason those early friendships felt natural wasn’t because you were better at it back then. It’s because you were doing it all the time. You were around the same people constantly, you had no choice but to figure it out, and you weren’t overthinking every interaction.
We need to get back to that mindset.
In the complete episode, Manpreet and I dive deep into this idea of how our expectations have shifted as we’ve gotten older, and why the friendships we build during our lowest points often become our strongest. There’s something about vulnerability during difficult times that creates bonds we never forget.
The Shift: From “Hard” to “Unfamiliar”
I want to share something Manpreet said that honestly changed how I think about this entire topic:
“The reason anything is hard is not actually because it’s hard… It’s because it’s unfamiliar. When you get into unfamiliar territory, it’s gonna seem hard. But it’s only seeming hard the very first time, the second time it is a little bit better, third time, fourth time… just like everything we learned in our life.”
Let me share a real example from my own experience. I’m 33, and until this year, I had never learned how to lift weights. I would stand in the weight room looking at all these machines and racks of weights, thinking, “I don’t even know how to pick that up.”
Last November, I joined a gym with small-group coaching. And for the first month? I was miserable. My husband would ask why I kept going because I seemed so unhappy every time. But I told him, “I’m learning a new skill I don’t know how to do. This is uncomfortable. But I know long-term, this is something I want to know how to do.”
Now it’s been five months, and I actually enjoy it. I know what I’m doing when I walk in there. I learned the skill.
Friendship is exactly the same.
It’s uncomfortable to put yourself out there in the beginning. But over time, you start to trust that when you go places, you’ll meet people and connect with the ones you’re meant to connect with. The other ones? It was nice to meet them, and you move on.
You start trusting yourself that you can do this – that you can build connections around you.
The Beautiful Truth About Timing
Here’s something else Manpreet shared that I think will give you hope if you’re in a difficult season right now:
“The greatest friendships are built in divorce, of the times when you are broke, when you are heartbroken of a relationship, or you’re moving… when you have nothing to lose, and you are so down. That’s when you build big friendships… because you see the reality, you see yourself but you also the other person is also seeing your real. There’s nothing put up.”
If you’re going through something hard right now – if you’re struggling financially, dealing with heartbreak, navigating a major life transition – this might actually be the perfect time to build meaningful connections. Not despite your struggles, but because of them.
When we have nothing to lose, we stop pretending. We show up as we really are. And that’s when real friendship happens.
I share so much more in the full episode about what it means to stay open during difficult times, and how some of our most challenging seasons can become the foundation for our strongest relationships. There’s something powerful about hearing the whole story that I think will shift how you see the people around you.
Practical Steps: Making Friendship Feel Natural Again
1. Stop Waiting to Be “Ready”
You don’t need to have your life completely figured out before you can make friends. In fact, the opposite is true. Some of the best friendships form when we’re both figuring things out together.
2. Embrace the Temporary Discomfort
Remember – it’s not hard, it’s unfamiliar. The first conversation with someone new will feel awkward. The second one will be better. By the third or fourth interaction, you’ll start to find your rhythm.
3. Focus on Comfort, Not Performance
Instead of trying to be impressive or perfect, ask yourself: “Am I comfortable being myself around this person? Are they comfortable being themselves around me?” That’s your North Star.
4. Put Yourself in Proximity
We can’t rely on the natural proximity we had when we were younger. We have to create it. Join groups, take classes, become a regular somewhere. Show up consistently to the same places where you’ll see the same people.
5. Share Something Real
You don’t have to trauma-dump on strangers, but sharing something genuine about your experience – even if it’s imperfect – creates space for others to do the same.
6. Remember: They’re Nervous Too
I tell people this all the time – I’m pretty extroverted, but meeting new people is still uncomfortable for me at first. My secret? I aim to minimize the time between entering a room and starting the first conversation. The anticipation is usually worse than the actual interaction.
The Permission You’ve Been Waiting For
I want people to see friendship as possible. There are so many societal messages telling us how hard friendship is, how rare it is. It’s like this scarcity mindset that keeps us stuck.
But here’s what I see when I look around: rooms full of people sitting with groups of friends. People who figured this out. People who decided it was worth the temporary discomfort of putting themselves out there.
The difference between them and someone sitting alone isn’t that they’re naturally better at friendship. It’s that they kept showing up until it became familiar.
Manpreet said something beautiful: “If we keep ourselves open… not close our minds, and more importantly, not close our hearts… then you’re able to cherish those friendships even more.”
You have everything you need to build meaningful connections in your life. You just need to remember that the discomfort you’re feeling? It’s not a sign that you’re bad at this. It’s a sign that you’re learning something new.
And learning something new is always uncomfortable at first.
But comfort… that comes with time. That comes with showing up. That comes with choosing to stay open even when it feels scary.
In our full conversation, Manpreet and I explore so many more layers of this – from the role of physical touch in building comfort, to why our friendships change as we get older, to the structural barriers that make adult friendship more challenging. It’s one of those episodes I keep thinking about days later.
Your Turn
So here’s my question for you: What would change if you stopped seeing friendship as something you need to be good at, and started seeing it as something you just need to show up for?
What if, instead of waiting until you feel ready or confident or like you have the perfect thing to say, you just… started showing up? Started having those slightly awkward first conversations, knowing they’ll get more comfortable with time?
Because here’s the truth: friendship isn’t supposed to feel impossible. It’s supposed to feel like coming home.
Ready to dive deeper? This conversation with Manpreet is one of my favorites from the entire podcast. We explore so much more about building comfort in relationships, why vulnerability creates the strongest bonds, and practical ways to stay open to new connections even when life gets complicated.
Listen to the full episode of Friendship IRL wherever you get your podcasts, and let me know – what’s your one-word definition of friendship?
