Golden Thread
THE GOLDEN THREAD:
We’ve been taught that friendships should always be getting closer, staying at the peak – but that’s not realistic when life circumstances change. When we allow our friendships to breathe in their new forms as “historic friendships,” we can appreciate what IS there instead of mourning what isn’t.
This episode is about giving yourself permission to let friendships shift without labeling them as failures or downgrades.
TWO POTENTIAL DIRECTIONS:
DIRECTION 1: “Why Your Closest Friends Don’t Feel Close Anymore (And Why That’s Okay)”
Focus: The relief of understanding + practical framework
Structure:
- ▪️ Opens with the questions people ask themselves (“I just don’t know them anymore,” “Why is it so hard?”)
- ▪️ The linear model vs. your wheel framework
- ▪️ Joseph’s aha moment discovering most of his closest friends are historic
- ▪️ What historic friends actually means (beliefs, memories, details – not day-to-day integration)
- ▪️ His realization: “I have room for present friends”
- ▪️ The beauty of historic friendships (can pick up where you left off, deep history)
- ▪️ Examples of how friendships shift (career focus, having kids)
- ▪️ Joseph’s commitment to being more open to present friends
- ▪️ The guilt and shame piece
- ▪️ Closes with permission to let friendships breathe
Why this works: Addresses the pain point immediately (feeling distant from close friends), then offers the framework as relief. Joseph’s story shows the practical application. Your narration segments add depth about WHY this happens. The ending focuses on permission and grace.
DIRECTION 2: “Present Friends vs. Historic Friends: The Framework That Changed How I See My Friendships”
Focus: The framework itself + Joseph’s journey
Structure:
- ▪️ Opens with Joseph’s discovery of the concept
- ▪️ What present vs. historic actually means
- ▪️ Why the linear model doesn’t work
- ▪️ How life changes shift friendships (with examples)
- ▪️ The MySpace ranking analogy
- ▪️ Joseph realizing he’d closed himself off to new friends
- ▪️ The pandemic shifts
- ▪️ Practical ways he’s opening up (no headphones, activities vs. coffee)
- ▪️ Why historic friendships are beautiful, not lesser
- ▪️ The guilt piece
- ▪️ Closes with appreciation
Why this works: More instructional – teaches the framework explicitly. Joseph as the student/example. But might lose some of the emotional resonance of Direction 1.
MY TAKE:
I’m strongly leaning toward Direction 1 because:
- ▪️ It starts with the pain point people are actually feeling
- ▪️ The question format in the opening is immediately relatable
- ▪️ Joseph’s story flows naturally as an example
- ▪️ Your narration segments add crucial context without feeling like interruptions
- ▪️ The guilt and shame piece gets proper attention
- ▪️ It’s more about RELIEF than INSTRUCTION
- ▪️ The ending permission/grace message is powerful
- ▪️ It addresses “this sounds sad” head-on and reframes it
- ▪️ The MySpace ranking story is gold and fits naturally
Direction 2 works if you want more of a teaching/framework focus, but I think Direction 1 better captures the emotional journey people go through with this realization.
Have you ever found yourself thinking about one of your closest friends and wondering:
“I just don’t know them anymore.”
Or maybe: “Why is it so hard for us to get together?”
Or perhaps the worst one: “I must be a bad friend. They’re supposed to be my closest friend – why does this feel so difficult?”
Here’s a scenario that might feel familiar:
You’re visiting your best friend who moved away a year ago. You finally make it to their house for the first time. A neighbor comes over for dinner one night, and they seem to know exactly where everything is in your friend’s kitchen.
And you’re sitting there thinking: But I’M their closest friend. Why don’t I know where anything is?
Or maybe it’s this: Your best friend from college lives across the country. You talk every few months. You follow each other on social media. You love them deeply. But when you try to schedule a visit, it takes six months of back-and-forth to find a weekend that works. And even then, one of you ends up canceling.
And you think: What’s wrong with us? If they were really my closest friend, this wouldn’t be so hard.
Here’s what I want you to hear: Nothing is wrong. Nothing is broken. Your friendship hasn’t failed.
It’s just shifted into a different form. And that form has a name: historic friendship.
And once you understand what that means – once you give yourself permission to let your friendships breathe in their new forms – everything changes.
The Model That’s Been Lying To You
Let me tell you about the model of friendship most of us have been operating under without even realizing it.
It’s linear. Like a line going upward. Or like climbing a mountain.
You meet someone. You get to know them. You become friends. And then you keep getting CLOSER and CLOSER and CLOSER. You’re climbing toward the peak.
And at the peak? That’s when they’re your closest friend. Your best friend. Your person.
And the assumption is: Once you reach the peak, you stay there.
Maybe there are some bumps along the way. Maybe you have a fight and work through it. But generally, the expectation is that close friendships stay close. They stay at the peak. They stay present and active and integrated into your daily life.
But that’s not how life actually works.
Because life is constantly changing. People move. People have kids. People change careers. People go back to school. People get sick. People’s priorities shift.
And when those changes happen, it becomes really, really hard to stay at the peak.
So we think something’s wrong. We think we’re failing. We think we’re bad friends.
But what if the problem isn’t us? What if the problem is the model?
The Framework That Changes Everything
I created something called the Wheel of Connection because I was frustrated with how everyone talks about friendship as if it exists in isolation from all our other relationships.
But the truth is: Our friendships are connected to our family relationships, our community connections, our work relationships. They all work together.
And within that wheel, I identified two specific types of friends that I think change how we understand our closest relationships:
Present Friends and Historic Friends.
Present friends are the people we’re currently doing life together with. They’re the friends we’re connected with in a variety of ways, on a variety of topics. We’re integrated into each other’s day-to-day lives.
This doesn’t mean you have to live in the same city (though that often helps). It means there’s a consistent flow. A rhythm. You’re actively part of each other’s lives right now.
Historic friends are the people we WERE doing life together with – but circumstances have changed.
Maybe one of you moved across the country. Maybe one of you went back to school or started a demanding career. Maybe one of you had kids and the other didn’t.
Whatever the reason, you’re not as integrated into each other’s day-to-day lives anymore.
But here’s what you still have:
- ▪️ Your beliefs about each other (we are friends, I care about you, I trust you)
- ▪️ Your memories (all those beautiful shared experiences)
- ▪️ The details you know about each other (the layers of history)
You’re connected mainly by your past and your commitment to each other – not by the day-to-day flow of life.
And that’s not a bad thing. It’s just different.
When Someone Actually Discovers This
Let me tell you about Joseph.
Joseph is someone I met about a year ago. He’s the executive producer of a morning TV show here in Seattle, and we realized pretty quickly that we have a ton of connections – he went to high school with my husband, we went to the same university at the same time (but never met), and we both really value friendship.
When Joseph heard me casually mention the concept of present vs. historic friends on an Instagram story, he had a major aha moment.
“I had not seen your friendship wheel yet,” he told me. “I was just watching one of your Instagram stories and you were casually mentioning the idea of present versus historic friends. And I was like, ‘Whoa, I’ve never really thought about it that way.’”
He’d always thought about friendship in that linear way – acquaintance to friend to really good friend, just kind of on that line.
But when he started thinking about who his historic friends are, he realized something big:
“My five-ish closest friends don’t live in Seattle. And none of them live in the same city either.”
Let that sink in for a second.
His CLOSEST friends – the people he loves most, the people he’s known the longest, the people who know him best – are all far away.
“I’m constantly going back and forth to see all of them,” he said. “I love to travel, so it’s fun for me to go visit them – it gives me a reason to take a vacation. But once you realize that your historic friends are most of your closest friends, you kind of think: Well, why have I kept it that way for so long?”
He wasn’t doing anything wrong. He just hadn’t realized what was happening.
In the full episode, Joseph and I talk much more about his journey with this realization and what he decided to do about it. If you’re someone who’s realizing most of your closest friends are historic friends, his story will really resonate.
What Actually Happens When Life Changes
Let me give you some examples of how friendships shift from present to historic – because I think this will help you see it’s not about anyone doing anything wrong.
Example 1: The Career-Focused Friend
Let’s say you have a friend who’s hyper-focused on their career right now. They’re spending tons of time at networking events, connecting with coworkers, traveling for work.
For this person, a lot of their Wheel of Connection energy is going to formal community, acquaintances, work relationships.
And that’s taking up so much time and energy that they don’t have as much left for you.
Maybe you’ve been close friends for years. But right now, in this season, they just don’t have the capacity to be as present.
You might find yourself shifting into more of a historic friend role. Not because they don’t care about you – but because their circumstances have changed.
Example 2: The Friend Who Goes Back to School
I had a friend who went back to school. Her program was all-consuming. She barely had time to breathe, let alone maintain friendships the way she used to.
For a couple years, we were definitely more historic friends than present friends.
She just didn’t have the capacity. And the “gold standard” of a close friend for her during that time was someone she could go long stretches without talking to – because she was so focused on getting her degree.
And you know what? After she graduated, after she got settled into her new career, we were able to reconnect and shift back toward being more present friends.
Because historic friendships can shift back to present friendships when circumstances change again.
Example 3: The Friend Who Has Kids
This is a big one that I see all the time.
Let’s say your close friend has a baby. You don’t have kids yet (or at all).
Even though you love them, even though you’re so close, you can’t fully understand what their life is like right now. And their time is stretched impossibly thin by the responsibilities of being a parent.
Plus, you can’t provide a very specific type of support they need.
If they call you in the middle of the night asking if they should take their kid to the pediatrician, you probably can’t help. You haven’t seen this before.
What they need is to invest some time into joining a parenting support group. Connecting with other parents. Starting to develop friendships with people who GET what they’re going through.
And that time has to come from somewhere. It might come from your friendship.
So you allow this friendship to shift a bit more into historic territory. Not because you’re not friends anymore – but because it gives your friend space to get the support they need.
And down the line, when they have those parenting friendships established, when they have a bit more capacity, you can work to reintegrate as more present friends.
What Joseph Realized (And What He Did About It)
When Joseph had this realization about his historic friends, something else clicked for him:
“I think I had been kind of closing myself off to maybe trying to make new friends or just allowing that to happen in my life.”
He was holding his historic friends so close – flying across the country to see them, maintaining those relationships – but he wasn’t making room for present friends.
“I was like, ‘Well, I only have so much bandwidth for people in my life. But none of them really live here,’” he explained.
Coming out of the pandemic, with friends having kids, with his own life changes (he’d moved to a new neighborhood), he started thinking: “I think I have more room for friends in my life. Presently.”
And here’s what I love: He didn’t abandon his historic friends. He didn’t decide they weren’t important anymore.
He just recognized that having historic friends is beautiful AND he could also be more open to present friends.
He started doing little things:
- ▪️ Not always wearing headphones when walking around his neighborhood (so he looked more approachable)
- ▪️ Saying yes to activities with new people instead of just coffee dates (less pressure, more natural conversation)
- ▪️ Being more aware of the people he was meeting through work who might become friends
“I don’t think a lot of people think about relationships – not just friendship, just relationships in general – in that sense,” he told me.
And he’s right. Most of us don’t.
We just keep trying to force all our friendships to stay at the peak. And then we feel guilty when we can’t.
The Guilt That’s Been Weighing You Down
Here’s what I think happens for a lot of people with historic friendships:
Shame and guilt build up.
You start to feel bad about how long it’s been since you talked. You start saying things to yourself like:
- ▪️ “They’re my closest friend – why haven’t we talked in three months?”
- ▪️ “I’m such a bad friend”
- ▪️ “What’s wrong with me?”
- ▪️ “What’s wrong with us?”
And those thoughts make it even HARDER to reach out. Because now you’re not just dealing with the logistics of long-distance or different schedules – you’re also dealing with all this emotional weight.
So you avoid reaching out. Which makes the guilt worse. Which makes you avoid it more.
It’s a terrible cycle.
But here’s what I want you to understand: The effort required to maintain a historic friendship IS more than maintaining a present friendship.
When you’re present friends, you might run into each other randomly. You might have standing plans. You might just text because you saw something that reminded you of them.
There’s a natural flow.
With historic friends, you have to be much more intentional. You have to actively remember to reach out. You have to coordinate across time zones or busy schedules. You can’t just say “let’s grab coffee Friday” – you have to plan weeks or months in advance.
It’s harder. And that’s not your fault.
So you have two choices:
Option 1: Accept that they’re historic friends. Talk less often. And let yourself off the hook for feeling like you need to maintain constant contact.
What you have is special and beautiful. You have all that history. You have deep knowledge of each other. You can probably pick up right where you left off when you do talk.
That’s enough.
Option 2: Decide that maintaining more frequent contact is a huge priority for you. Put it in your calendar. Call them every time you think of them without second-guessing. Make it a practice.
Like Joseph does. His friends tell him: “You’re so good at keeping up with friendship.”
And he says: “I don’t think of it as going out of my way. It’s just because I really feel like we are those friends. Maybe we haven’t talked in months, but I could pick up the phone and call any of my historic friends and immediately pick up from wherever we left off.”
Both options are valid. Both are beautiful.
The key is choosing consciously instead of just feeling guilty.
Why This Isn’t A Downgrade
I know some of you are reading this and thinking: “But this sounds so sad. Like my friendships are being downgraded.”
I get it. I really do.
But here’s what I want you to see: Historic friendships aren’t lesser than present friendships. They’re just different.
Think about what you still have with your historic friends:
- ▪️ Decades of shared memories
- ▪️ Inside jokes no one else understands
- ▪️ Deep knowledge of each other’s histories
- ▪️ The ability to pick up where you left off
- ▪️ Unconditional love and support
- ▪️ People who’ve seen you through multiple life phases
That’s incredibly valuable.
Yes, you might not know where the silverware is in their new house. Yes, their neighbor might seem more integrated into their daily life right now.
But that neighbor doesn’t have what you have.
They don’t have 15 years of history. They don’t know the story of how your friend met their spouse. They weren’t there for the career change or the family crisis or the cross-country move.
You were. And that matters.
Joseph said something that really stuck with me: “I think it’s actually a really beautiful place to be in when you get to a point with someone you’ve been friends with for nearly 20 years now where you don’t have to stress about ‘oh, we haven’t talked in a minute.’ You just know that friendship is there.”
That’s the beauty of historic friendships.
The security. The deep roots. The knowledge that this person is YOUR person even if you’re not in constant contact.
When Friendships Can Shift Back
Here’s something really important: Someone can be both a historic friend and a present friend at different times.
Nothing is static. People are always moving around in your Wheel of Connection.
Let’s say your friend moves across the country. For a few years, you’re definitely historic friends. Time is limited, visits are rare, you mostly keep in touch through texts and occasional calls.
Then they move back to your city.
Suddenly, you’re planning weekend barbecues and dinner parties and run clubs. You’re seeing each other regularly again.
You’ve shifted back to being more present friends.
Or maybe your friend goes through that all-consuming career phase or graduate school program. For a couple years, you barely talk.
But then they graduate. They settle into their new job. They have more capacity.
And you find that you’re talking more often, making plans more easily. The friendship feels more present again.
This is normal. This is how friendships actually work when we let them breathe.
The Permission You’ve Been Waiting For
If you take nothing else from this article, I want you to hear this:
You are not a bad friend for having historic friendships.
You are not failing because your closest friends don’t feel as close as they used to.
You are not doing something wrong because it’s hard to coordinate visits or because you go months without talking.
You’re just living in reality.
And reality is: Life changes. Circumstances change. Friendships shift.
And that’s okay.
What matters is:
- ▪️ Do you still care about each other? Yes.
- ▪️ Do you still show up when it really counts? Yes.
- ▪️ Do you still have that deep history and knowledge of each other? Yes.
- ▪️ Would you still consider them one of your closest friends? Yes.
Then the friendship is fine. It’s just in a different form right now.
And maybe that form requires less frequent contact than you think it “should.” Maybe it requires letting go of the guilt about not knowing where the silverware is.
Maybe it requires accepting that this is a historic friendship, and that’s beautiful.
What To Do With This Information
So now that you understand present vs. historic friends, what do you actually DO with this?
Here are some suggestions:
1. Take inventory of your friendships
Look at your closest friends. Are they present friends or historic friends?
If most of them are historic (like Joseph discovered), that’s not bad. But it might mean you have room for more present friends.
2. Adjust your expectations
If someone is a historic friend, stop expecting them to show up like a present friend.
Stop feeling guilty about not talking weekly. Stop thinking something’s wrong because you can’t just grab coffee on Friday.
Let the friendship be what it is right now.
3. Appreciate what IS there
Instead of focusing on what you’re not doing (not talking enough, not visiting enough), focus on what you DO have.
All those memories. All that history. The knowledge that you could call them right now and they’d be there for you.
That’s not nothing. That’s everything.
4. Communicate about it
This is a big one: You can actually TALK to your historic friends about this.
You can say: “I love you so much. And I want to be there for you as much as I can. But in this season of life, I’m really limited. Can we set some different expectations? Can we create some new traditions that work for both of us?”
That honesty can be incredibly freeing.
5. Be open to present friends
If you’re like Joseph and you realize most of your closest friends are historic, consider: Do you have room for present friends?
Are there people in your life right now – neighbors, coworkers, acquaintances – who could potentially become present friends if you were more open to it?
You don’t have to abandon your historic friends to make room for present friends. You can have both.
A Final Thought From Joseph
Near the end of our conversation, Joseph said something I want to leave you with:
“Don’t stress about the amount of friends you have, or what kind of friends you have. Just live in the present, live your life. And if you’re wanting to make new friends, put some effort in and think about it, and just go do it rather than sitting at home and thinking about it so much.”
Just live. Just be. Just let your friendships breathe.
Let them shift when they need to shift. Let them be historic when circumstances require it. Let them come back to present when life allows it.
And stop beating yourself up for being human in a world that’s constantly changing.
Because here’s the truth: Your closest friends don’t have to feel close in the traditional sense to still BE your closest friends.
They just have to be the people you carry with you. The people whose history is woven into yours. The people you’d show up for in a heartbeat, and who would do the same for you.
And if that’s what you have? You’re doing just fine.
Want to see the full Wheel of Connection framework? Head to my website or Instagram (@itsalexalexander) to see how present and historic friends fit into your larger web of relationships. And if this concept gave you relief or helped you see your friendships differently, send this article to a friend. Let’s normalize letting our friendships breathe.
How many of your closest friends are actually historic friends? And how does it feel to give yourself permission to see them that way? I’d love to hear – find me on Instagram @itsalexalexander or head to alexalex.chat to send me a voice message.
