“We would not get roses on The Bachelor because of the amount of effort that it takes to get a rose on The Bachelor.”
That’s Dr. Erika Michalski talking about her approach to friendship, and honestly? It’s the most refreshing thing I’ve heard in years.
While the rest of us are performing vulnerability and apologizing for our messy houses, Erika and her family have built something completely different – a friendship so authentic and grounding that it sustained them through a pandemic, natural disasters, and all the chaos of raising kids while building careers.
Their secret? Adult slumber parties.
I know what you’re thinking. Either “that sounds amazing” or “that sounds like my actual nightmare.” Both reactions are valid, and both will help you figure out what you actually want in your friendships.
But before you decide this isn’t for you, let me tell you how it started – because it wasn’t some grand plan. It was two families who got tired of driving an hour and a half each way just to hang out for a few hours.
How Two Families Accidentally Created Their Dream Friendship
Picture this: Erika’s posting on Facebook about taking her daughters to see the mermaid show at the Denver Aquarium (because that’s what daughters do, right?). A college acquaintance – someone she’d see at bars and hug but never really hung out with – comments: “Next time you go, let us know. We’d love to meet you there.”
So they meet up. College acquaintance Lindsey brings her husband Scott and their two kids, who are almost exactly the same ages as Erika’s daughters. The kids immediately decide these are their new people. By the time they sit down for the mermaid show, Erika’s younger daughter is sitting on Lindsey’s lap like they’ve known each other forever.
Here’s the moment everything changed: After their second hangout – this time at a unicorn festival (sensing a theme here?) – both families end up sitting at Lindsey and Scott’s plastic red and yellow picnic table, watching their four kids play together.
And they just… decided.
In the full episode, Erika goes into so much detail about what that decision moment felt like and how they knew they could trust their kids’ instincts. It’s one of those stories that really shows you how connection can happen when you’re not overthinking it.
They decided these were their people now. No more evidence needed. No more slow build-up over months of careful friendship dating. Just a conscious choice to lean in.
The Adult Slumber Party Evolution
Instead of that exhausting cycle of driving an hour and a half, hanging out for a few hours, driving an hour and a half home, they started saying: “What if you just… stayed?”
The first slumber parties were highly planned. Erika would send detailed menus, activity schedules, and the whole production. Because that’s what good hosts do, right?
But then came Halloween 2020. Pandemic stress. Life chaos. And Erika sent a text that changed everything:
“Here’s the thing. I cannot be who I was before. I’m going to order wings for dinner because I can’t make… I am going to phone it in.”
That moment – admitting she was tapped out and couldn’t perform the perfect host role – became the foundation of their entire friendship.
Because here’s what Erika figured out: “We have created the most broken expectation of apologizing for existence.”
Think about it. How many times do you invite people over and immediately start apologizing? “Sorry, it’s so messy.” “Sorr,y I didn’t have time to clean.” “Sorry, we’re just having takeout.”
You’re literally apologizing for being human. For living in your own home.
The complete episode explores this concept of apologizing for existence in so much detail, and it honestly shifted how I think about hosting people. There’s something powerful about hearing Erika break down why this is so damaging to building real connections.
What Makes Adult Slumber Parties Actually Work
Let me be clear – this isn’t just “have friends sleep over.” There’s a specific magic that happens when you create space for people to just exist. Here’s what actually makes it work:
1. No Departure Deadline
When there’s no set end time, you stop prioritizing thoughts and start being present. No cognitive load of “we have finite time, what’s most important to discuss?” You can be bored together. You can have three different conversations happening across different platforms. You can just… be.
2. Past the Catching-Up Phase
“We’re past the point of catching up,” Erika explains. When you’re in regular contact and spending extended time together, you’re not filling each other in on your past – you’re living life together in real time.
3. Shared Parenting Load
With kids involved, having eight people instead of four changes everything. When one kid melts down, it doesn’t end the hangout. Different adults can step in. Kids get multiple perspectives and relationships. Parents can actually recharge rather than just manage.
4. The “Do Nothing” Space
This is where the magic lives. After you get through any catching up, after meals are sorted, after kids are settled, there’s this endless space to just exist together. Play cards. Read books in the same room. Have random conversations at 2 am. Wake up on someone’s couch in your pajamas with a cup of coffee.
The Authenticity Framework (Stop Performing Friendship)
Here’s what I want you to understand about Erika’s approach: “Friendships are that space where you recharge most authentically because it takes the least amount of effort to exist. You just exist as yourself, and you don’t have to think about it.”
We’ve gotten so far from this. We perform friendship now. We curate our homes before people come over. We plan perfect activities. We worry about whether we’re being vulnerable enough (don’t get me started on how The Bachelor turned vulnerability into a performance metric).
But what if friendship was actually the space where you could just… be?
- ▪️ Where you don’t wonder which version of yourself is allowed
- ▪️ Where you can say “I’m having an off day” without apologizing
- ▪️ Where someone can correct your kid and it feels like support, not judgment
- ▪️ Where you can admit failures without them being held against you forever
This requires a fundamental shift: Stop asking “Will they like me?” and start asking “Do I feel like myself with these people?”
Your Adult Slumber Party Blueprint
Ready to try this? Here’s your practical roadmap:
Start Small
Pick friends you already feel comfortable with. The ones where you don’t perform as much. Suggest they bring a bag next time they come over, rather than driving home late.
Set the Tone as Host
Your job isn’t to entertain – it’s to create space where everyone can just be. Control your urge to fuss. Stop apologizing for your normal, lived-in home. Make it clear: we’re going to exist together, not perform together.
Establish Simple Rhythms
- ▪️ Meals can be simple (takeout is fine!)
- ▪️ Kids can have different bedtime routines (it’s okay!)
- ▪️ Adults take turns reading to all the kids
- ▪️ Someone makes coffee in the morning while others wake up slowly
- ▪️ No one has to be “on” all the time
Create Communication Norms
Erika and Lindsey check in before sharing heavy things: “Hey, can I share a thought with you?” They honor where each other is in the moment instead of just dumping.
Embrace the Weird
Want to have a mustard adventure? Go to three grocery stores, buying different mustards to try with sausages? Do it. Want to spend Saturday in pajamas playing cards? Perfect. Let your authentic interests guide the time.
Build Gradually
Maybe it’s once every few months at first. Maybe it’s just one night instead of a whole weekend. Find what works for your life and relationships.
I dive much deeper in the full episode about how to navigate the logistics, especially with kids, and what to do when these experiments don’t work out. It’s all the practical stuff you’re probably wondering about.
The Compound Fantasy (And Why It Matters)
Erika and her “framily” joke about their retirement plan: “We want to retire together to the mountains where drones bring us our stuff, and people only have access to us if we give them physical instruction.”
They’re basically one step away from creating their own compound.
And you know what? That fantasy matters. It shows what’s possible when you prioritize authentic connection over social norms. When you decide your friendships deserve the same intentionality you put into your career or your home.
Their kids draw each other into their family trees. They have inside jokes with each other’s children. They’re present for the arbitrary Sunday mornings, not just the highlight moments.
This is what happens when you stop following friendship rules and start building what actually feels good.
What This Might Surface for You
I want you to really sit with this question that I pose at the end of every episode:
Define your ideal version of a beautiful, unapologetic friendship. One that allows you to be yourself. What would you enjoy doing together? What would you talk about? How often would you get together?
Maybe adult slumber parties sound terrible to you. That’s totally fine! But what would your version look like?
Maybe it’s:
- ▪️ Regular coffee dates where you can show up in whatever state you’re in
- ▪️ Friends who text you random thoughts throughout the week
- ▪️ People you can call when something amazing OR terrible happens
- ▪️ A group that meets monthly to do something you all genuinely enjoy
- ▪️ Friends who know your kids well enough to have inside jokes with them
The point isn’t to copy Erika’s blueprint exactly. It’s to stop apologizing for who you are and start creating space for authentic connection.
The Permission You’ve Been Waiting For
Here’s what Erika wants you to know: “Adults are allowed to operate outside the boxes society puts us in.“
They never wondered if adult slumber parties were “allowed.” They just did it, realized it worked, and kept going.
So if you’ve been thinking, “I wish I had friends I could just exist with,” or “I want people in my life who really know me,” you have permission to get creative. To think outside traditional friendship formats. To prioritize what actually feels good over what looks normal.
Maybe it’s slumber parties. Maybe it’s something completely different. But whatever it is, stop apologizing for wanting it and start building it.
Try It (Seriously, Just Once)
I’m going to end the same way Erika did: If you’ve ever thought “what would it be like?” – please just try it. Have one adult slumber party.
Pick friends you already love spending time with. Suggest they bring a bag next time instead of driving home. See what happens when you have endless time together, without a departure deadline.
It might not be for everyone, but for most of us, waking up together is very different than hanging out together. And that’s where you’ll find the grounding friendships that serve you during the hardest times.
What’s the worst that could happen? You spend extra time with people you care about. What’s the best that could happen? You discover what authentic friendship actually feels like.
Ready to hear the full story? Listen to Episode 28 of Friendship IRL, where Erika shares the details of how this friendship evolved, the moments that deepened their connection, and practical tips for creating space where everyone can just exist. It’s one of those conversations that will shift how you think about what’s possible in friendship.
Subscribe to Friendship IRL for more stories about building authentic connections that go against the grain. Because sometimes the best friendships happen when you stop following the rules and start following what feels right.
