Yesterday, I was at a baby shower for a friend.
A friend who has wanted to be a mom for SO LONG that I could literally cry thinking about how excited I am for her.
Truly. My eyes are watering right now just thinking about it.
It has been such a journey. And I am SO excited for her.
Now, here’s something important: She’s not my oldest friend. Or my closest friend.
She’s not someone I’d probably call first in an emergency.
But I know that by the time word got to her? She would show up for me in whatever ways she could.
I’m telling you this because the feelings I’m about to talk about? They’re not limited to just my absolute closest people.
So I come home from the baby shower. I’m decompressing. Scrolling on my phone.
And a post appears with a message I’ve been seeing EVERYWHERE lately:
“The price of community is inconvenience.”
You know the ones. They say:
“If you want friends, if you want community, if you want a village? You have to BE a villager.”
“You have to give the rides. Buy the gifts. Show up. Drop off the meals. Do the things.”
And this post appeared either at the wrong time or at the right time.
(You can decide by the end of this episode.)
Because here’s the thing: They’re right. Community IS inconvenient sometimes.
But they’re also completely missing the point.
And it took me being in that moment yesterday, after I’d just been at this baby shower. To be like:
Hold up. What are we doing here? Why is THIS the message we’re spreading?
Because we’re doing this all wrong.
The Problem With “Community is Inconvenience”
I know because I just experienced this exact thing.
You know, having to do the tasks. Get the gift. Go to the brunch.
But here’s what those posts miss:
I WANTED to do more. I was DYING to do more because I’m so excited for her.
The real problem is that we’ve lost touch with the JOY of being in community.
We’ve lost that natural give-and-take.
And I think that’s pretty widely accepted, right?
People are out here trying to figure out how to “be a villager.” How to “receive as a villager.”
(I’m using that term because it’s all over social media right now.)
We’re trying to figure out how to DO THE THING.
How to add it as another task on our to-do list.
Instead of really trying to reframe and get to the CORE of WANTING to do it.
Not just doing it because we want to be part of the village.
But actually WANTING it.
The Reframe: Helping Your Friends is FOR YOU Too
Here’s the reframe:
Isn’t helping your friends actually (in some way, shape, or form) FOR YOURSELF in the long run?
And also for the love of your friends. For the love of people. For the positive impact you could have on a stranger.
The Baby Shower Example
In my case? I love this friend.
I want her (SO FREAKING DEEPLY) to have the experience she wants as a mother.
It’s been quite a journey (I’m not going to tell her story here, but trust me).
I want it like deep in my bones.
I’m going to meet this baby and cry.
I also want to meet the baby. Watch them grow. Make memories of moments I’ll have down the line.
So on one hand? It’s for HER.
But on this other level? It’s also for ME.
And then there’s this other layer: The love of her. How grateful I am to love her. To be connected to her. To get to WATCH her go out and do the things she wants in life.
There are SO MANY LAYERS here of joy and happiness.
That has absolutely NOTHING to do with “the cost of community.”
The Airport Ride Reframe
Let me give you another example.
Another thing I see often: Giving somebody a ride. To the airport. To the doctor. Whatever.
That’s presented as “the inconvenience”: the cost of community and friendship.
And to me? I’m like: Okay.
If I’m stuck in the car with you, driving you 30 minutes to the airport?
That is 30 MINUTES of UNINTERRUPTED friend hangout time.
In a world where everybody’s saying they’re too busy to hang out.
Here’s what I GET:
- ▪️ I get to help you
- ▪️ You get to be SAFE in my car (not some strange Uber where we share our location with loved ones)
- ▪️ We get to CONNECT
- ▪️ Maybe we’ve been saying we should plan that weekend trip or sign up for that dance class together. We can do that NOW. In the car. We have time. We have each other’s attention.
So on some level, yes, I suppose it’s “inconvenient” that I’m driving you to the airport.
But in my mind? There are SO MANY POSITIVES that outweigh that.
I’m not even THINKING about how it’s inconvenient.
I’m EXCITED. Let me drive you to the airport.
These moments (if we start to reframe our thinking), they ENRICH OUR LIVES too.
It’s not just a cost. We are getting a net POSITIVE.
“But Alex, My Friends Take Advantage of Me”
Okay, I hear you.
“I’m a people pleaser. I can’t say no. I can’t set boundaries. I get taken advantage of. I’m the only friend they ask.”
I get that.
My book (which is coming out, pay attention to the ads!) has an entire section to help you with this.
I’m going to give you the BRIEFEST explanation because I don’t have time in this episode.
The Do Less List (Find Your Lane)
In the book, I have this concept called the Do Less List.
(I could have also called it “Find Your Friendship Superpower” or “Find Your Lane.”)
Here’s the idea:
You make a matrix. A square with four boxes.
Top left: Things you’re GOOD AT and ENJOY doing (double positive)
Top right: Things you’re GOOD AT but DON’T ENJOY doing
Bottom left: Things you’re NOT GOOD AT but ENJOY doing
Bottom right: Things you’re NOT GOOD AT and DON’T ENJOY doing (double negative)
Then you think about the ways you show up for people. Where do they fit in those boxes?
The reframe on inconvenience in friendship goes so much deeper than you’d expect. Hear it all in the full episode.
Why This Matters
When you find your lane, it helps you for SO MANY REASONS:
1. People start to think of you for certain things
If it’s something you’re good at AND enjoy? So much easier to show up. You love doing it anyway, and it comes easily.
2. You can identify skills you want to get better at
Maybe you’re not good at it, but you enjoy it. Use helping people as practice.
3. You know what to do sparingly
Maybe you don’t enjoy it,t but you ARE good at it. It doesn’t take long. Do those sparingly when you have capacity.
4. You know what to say NO to
The double negatives? “Hey, I don’t think I’m the right person for you. Can we brainstorm who might be?”
My Examples
Double positive (good at + enjoy): COOKING.
I really enjoy cooking for people. Food-related questions. Recipe help. Menu planning for dinner parties. Cooking appliance questions. What pan to buy. What knife to buy. Where to get knives sharpened in Seattle.
I have answers. And I can answer them VERY QUICKLY.
Don’t enjoy but good at: Wedding and event planning.
I’m burnt out (was a professional wedding planner for 10 years). But if someone has an event question or wedding question and it’s EASY?
It might take them 2 hours. It takes me 2 minutes.
I’ll do it. But I’m not freely offering it on repeat, the way I do with cooking.
The Difference
Do you see it?
If I answer a wedding question? “Yeah, here’s the answer. Happy I could help. Moving on.”
If I answer a cooking question? “Here are the menu ideas! But do we need to talk about ingredients? Substitutions? Let’s go DEEPER.”
I WANT to go further because I actually love talking about it.
That’s the difference.
When It IS Truly Inconvenient
Okay, so sometimes there ARE truly inconvenient asks.
The asks in that double-negative category.
That’s where the “price of community” actually exists.
The Story I Haven’t Told Much
I haven’t talked about this much on the podcast because I’ve been dealing with my own feelings. And to respect my friend.
But I think we’re at a point where I can mention it:
A friend of mine lost her husband at the very beginning of summer.
Very unexpected. She has two young children.
I spent a good chunk of my summer living in her house. Basically, being a second co-parent.
Driving them to camp. Cooking meals. Shopping. Helping her move very suddenly. Making phone calls to airlines and financial institutions.
There were certain tasks in that moment that fell in my double-negative.
There were moments where I was BURNT OUT. Where I really didn’t like the ask.
Sometimes I could brainstorm who might be a better person and ask on her behalf.
But sometimes? I had to suck it up and do the task.
In the moment: “Gosh, I am SO TIRED. I truly DESPISE this task. I do NOT want to do it. I wish somebody else could do this.”
Yes. Those moments existed. They were few and far between.
I really tried to stick to my lanes.
But when those moments arrived? I did have to trudge through them.
There’s no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
I did not enjoy some of the cleaning tasks I trudged through.
But Here’s the Other Truth
I’m not trying to push toxic positivity here.
Two things can exist at once.
In the moment? I could have really hated doing the cleaning task. I don’t want to go back and do that. I don’t want to offer that to more people.
That can be true.
But the OTHER truth:
This was truly one of the lowest, hardest times of her life.
And I am (I could cry) I am BEYOND HONORED that she trusted me.
To let me in. To help her. To push her forward on days when she didn’t want to, but we had to (move deadlines, things that had to happen).
That she would trust me to help her with that.
That she trusted me to have really vulnerable, honest conversations with my nephews about losing a parent.
(Because that’s something I understand.)
Those moments, and they don’t have to be THAT loss moment, it could be any other hard thing. There is JOY in knowing that in those hard moments, I could be there for her.
That she was not alone.
There is joy in knowing she wasn’t alone, and I could be there for her.
That can coexist, on a deep level, that’s making me shaky and emotional, along with the fact that I despised the cleaning.
Both are true.
It doesn’t have to be: “The cost of community is inconvenience,” and that’s it.
Sometimes, sure. But for the most part? I don’t even EXPERIENCE that.
The Deeper Work: Reprogramming for Joy
So what’s the deeper work here?
Reprogramming ourselves to find the joy in community.
(Again, NOT toxic positivity. You can be slightly annoyed by the task AND still dig deeper.)
The “ask why 5 times” exercise is a powerful tool for finding joy in showing up. Listen to the complete episode for the full walkthrough.
The “Ask Why 5 Times” Exercise
There’s this marketing exercise where you ask “why?” five times to get to the root cause.
This is kind of the same thing.
When you’re reprogramming yourself for joy in community, dig deeper.
My Baby Shower Example
Buying gifts is NOT normally my lane.
It doesn’t fall in the double-positive category. Maybe not even double-negative. But definitely not something I love.
The work of buying gifts:
- ▪️ Go to the registry
- ▪️ Pick things
- ▪️ Get them shipped
- ▪️ Unbox them
- ▪️ Re-wrap them
- ▪️ Oh wait, do I have wrapping paper?
- ▪️ Buy wrapping paper
- ▪️ Get a card
- ▪️ Write on the card
There’s just a LOT of tasks. I don’t love that.
That can be true.
But with this baby shower? I didn’t even THINK about it.
I just did those tasks kind of neutrally.
Maybe because the entire time, all I could think about was:
1. How excited I am for my friend to be a mom
How I want to show her how excited I am in whatever way I can.
2. The friends who planned this baby shower planned such a PERFECT celebration
It was a chill brunch (my friend loves brunch). We did baby coloring pages for a baby’s first ABC book while we waited for food. No other games. We brought presents, but didn’t force her to unwrap them in front of everyone.
It really was this IDEAL way to celebrate my friend and this upcoming milestone.
I had so much joy in the fact that we were doing it in a way that felt so RIGHT for her.
I didn’t even think about the tasks. I just did them.
Because I was so focused on how ideal this celebration was for her.
That’s where I found the joy.
The Vulnerability Piece
Going back to my friend who lost her husband:
Another way to reprogram and find joy? Think about the VULNERABILITY it takes.
I’ve talked about this before, but losing her husband BLASTED OPEN her vulnerability.
You are a raw edge walking through the world.
So not only is THAT vulnerable, but now you have ME:
- ▪️ In her house
- ▪️ Talking to her kids
- ▪️ Packing her belongings to move
- ▪️ Going through all her drawers
- ▪️ Helping go through her husband’s office (I cried my way through that entire experience)
That is SO VULNERABLE.
Small Intimacies
That’s why I talk so much about small intimacies (Episode 74 if you want more).
Small intimacies are letting people in in SMALL ways:
- ▪️ Letting someone see what’s in your fridge and pantry
- ▪️ Your messy house
- ▪️ Your messy car when you give them a ride
These are small ways to work that muscle of letting people in.
Because if something blows up your life (like losing a spouse), you’re going from 0 to 100 if you’ve never let anyone in.
But if you’ve been working on small intimacies? Maybe you’re going from 30 to 100.
It’s not quite as big a leap.
The Joy in Vulnerability
Whether it’s a small intimacy or me living with you for weeks in your most vulnerable moment:
Those “inconvenient” moments are what create the STRONGEST BONDS.
The inconvenient tasks (sure, on their surface) are a burden.
But the long-term payoff for your connection? SO WORTH IT.
And if we can dig deeper, ask that “why” question and get under the surface?
That’s where the joy is.
It’s in knowing I could be one of those people for her.
And I love her so much.
If You Want Chosen Family, This is Non-Negotiable
Here’s something else I want to note:
If you’re someone who wants CHOSEN FAMILY? These “inconvenient” moments are what you NEED to do.
Point blank. End of story.
(And again, it doesn’t have to be the double-negative moments. It could be the ones where you find joy. The double-positive or single-positive.)
You can TELL someone you’re their chosen family over and over with WORDS.
But it’s the ACTIONS that matter.
So the joy here? The fact that you’ve done the work to build the chosen family you want.
That’s the joy.
Even if it IS inconvenient, is that really the overarching feeling?
I don’t think so.
Because for me, I feel so much joy. I’m so GRATEFUL to myself for what I’ve done to build the chosen family I have.
I don’t even think about how inconvenient it is.
Because the result takes up so much more of my brain space.
Nourishment vs. Reciprocity
There’s this concept in the book (again, not going too deep here):
Nourishment vs. Reciprocity.
I don’t love the idea of reciprocity.
Because in my mind, reciprocity is: “I did this for you so that I will get something EQUAL back.”
I don’t think of it that way.
I think of it as: I want to NOURISH you.
That means if I have NUTRIENTS to give you (the ways I can show up, the ways I like to show up, the ways I’m good at showing up). If I have those nutrients, I will give them to you.
Because I can.
And in return? That friend may not even nourish ME.
They may have nutrients for someone ELSE. And then someone else. And then another friend. And another community member.
And when I need nutrients (maybe I have to ask for them), I TRUST that I’ve built myself a broad enough web to get them back.
I will get what I need when I need it.
And it doesn’t have to be one-to-one.
(That’s the most basic explanation. There’s a whole section in the book.)
Your Challenge: Pause and Dig Deeper
The next time a friend asks you for something, or maybe they don’t even ask, maybe you just HEAR they need help with something:
And you’re thinking: “Oh, I could do that. But it’s kind of inconvenient. It’s going to take me away from my routine. It’s going to take an hour out of my day.”
I want you to PAUSE.
1. Recognize the feeling
That’s the first piece. Our gut instinct is this resistance.
2. Start digging deeper
How might this actually ENRICH your life?
How can I find JOY in showing up for someone I love? Or just for another human?
How can I dig down to:
- ▪️ I love them so much
- ▪️ I am so happy to be one of the people they call
- ▪️ I get to give them a safe space
- ▪️ I get to celebrate them
- ▪️ I get to watch them take this next step
These moments. This mindset shift.
I don’t know how I’ve never recorded this episode before.
But I really think this is the underlying layer so many of us are missing:
Doing the reflection and self-exploration on our feelings about showing up for other people.
And trying to rewrite and reprogram those.
Because if you don’t? You’re going to feel like showing up for your people is just another task forever. Another burden. Another thing you gotta do.
And while sometimes it might be inconvenient, that feeling might exist. It doesn’t have to be the ONLY feeling.
You can have multiple feelings.
Can you find something positive in there?
If You Truly Can’t Find the Positive
If you dig down and you CANNOT find the positive?
If this friend is asking you to show up and you dig down and realize:
- ▪️ I don’t love them that way
- ▪️ They haven’t shown up kindly for me
- ▪️ I don’t feel joy here
That’s a SIGN.
That’s a sign you need to reevaluate that relationship as a whole.
I’m not saying FORCE it.
I’m saying push a little harder. Do a little more exploration. Think deeper.
The Bottom Line
Here’s what I want you to take away:
Yes, community can be inconvenient sometimes.
But we’re completely missing the JOY.
The joy of:
- ▪️ Watching people we love reach milestones
- ▪️ Being trusted in vulnerable moments
- ▪️ Building the chosen family we want
- ▪️ 30 minutes of uninterrupted connection time (hello, airport rides!)
- ▪️ Knowing we’re not alone, and neither are they
Stop treating “being a villager” like another to-do list item.
Start digging deeper for the layers underneath.
Because THAT’S where the real community lives.
Not in the inconvenience. In the JOY.
Feeling burnt out on “being a villager”? Pause next time and dig deeper. Ask yourself: Where’s the joy here? What am I actually getting out of this?
Struggling with people-pleasing? Use the Do Less List. Find your lane. Know what you’re good at + enjoy, what to do sparingly, and what to say no to.
Want chosen family? This work is non-negotiable. Actions matter more than words. Show up. Find the joy in it.
Feeling taken advantage of? If you truly can’t find joy after digging deep, that’s a sign about the relationship. Not every friendship deserves your nutrients.
Know someone burnt out on community? Send them this episode. They need to hear: It’s not just an inconvenience. There’s joy underneath if you look for it.
Ready to reframe inconvenience as joy in your friendships? Tune into the full episode for everything discussed above and more.
