Let me ask you a question:
If you’ve shared your most recent fears with someone, not even your deepest fears, just what’s keeping you up at night right now…
If you’ve celebrated their win last week…
If you’ve supported them through that hard thing they were dealing with…
If you’ve had countless conversations about work, life, philosophy, politics, books, struggles, dreams…
But you’ve never been in the same room with them.
Are they a real friend?
Today I want to talk about whether online friends are real friends. Because here’s what I keep wondering:
In a world where we’re ALL texting, voice messaging, Zooming, and FaceTiming with people we consider our “real” friends (day in and day out), are online friendships really that different?
Especially from our long-distance friendships?
Let’s Get Clear: We’re NOT Talking About Parasocial Relationships
Before we go any further, I need to make something clear:
This is NOT about parasocial relationships.
If you listened to last week’s episode, you know I did a deep dive on parasocial relationships: those one-sided connections where you follow someone, you know everything about their life, but if you walked up to them on the street, they’d have no idea who you are.
That’s different from what we’re talking about today.
Today, we’re talking about online friendships where:
- ▪️ You and the other person are BOTH sharing about your lives
- ▪️ You’re having actual conversations (not just consuming their content)
- ▪️ You’re DMing, messaging, maybe FaceTiming or Zooming
- ▪️ There’s genuine back-and-forth, reciprocal connection
This is a two-way friendship. It just happens to exist primarily in digital spaces.
Maybe you met them:
- ▪️ In an online group or forum
- ▪️ Through social media (and actually started talking)
- ▪️ In a business or coaching container
- ▪️ In a Facebook group or virtual reality space
- ▪️ Through mutual friends online
The key difference: They know you. You know them. You’re both showing up for each other.
Story Time: How I’ve Made Real Friends Online
Let me tell you about some of my online friendships. Because I think people’s objections to online friends become a lot less convincing when you hear actual stories.
Alex F: The Instagram DM That Turned Into Game Nights
A few years ago (2022, I think), I was watching someone’s Instagram stories. Her name is Alex Friedman, and she’s the founder of Connection Feast here in Seattle, a group that helps people explore connection, emotional intimacy, and friendship. (P.S. She’s been a guest on Friendship IRL. Check out Episode 5 and Episode 7)
We’d been following each other, and I mentioned in my story that I lived in Seattle.
She sent me a DM: “Wait, you’re in Seattle? I’m in Seattle! Where do you live?”
I told her my neighborhood. She told me hers.
They were ONE MILE APART.
She literally said: “Can we get together? Want to grab coffee? Go for a walk?”
So we set a date. I still have the Instagram story I recorded while sitting outside the coffee shop, talking about how even on a new-friend date, you get butterflies.
And now? Years later?
We’ve had countless walks and coffees. She’s stayed at my house while we were out of town. I’ve met her family. I just got to meet her new partner. A few weeks ago, we had a double date game night at my house.
We’ve developed SO many roots together as friends.
And it all started from an online friendship. From being in the DMs.
Now, Alex likes to say (whenever we tell this story): “I would never tell my coaching clients to do what I did.” She thinks it was a little intense to go from casual DMs to “want to meet up?” that quickly.
But hey, it worked for us.
And yes, we met in a public place. Partly because that’s smart, safety-wise, and partly because we didn’t know each other that well yet. Meeting at a neutral coffee shop just felt right.
Patrice: Three Years of Friendship (And We’re About to Meet for the First Time)
Another friend I want to tell you about is Patrice Poltitzer. She was actually on the podcast back in Episode 25.
I did her Founders Fire Program (also in 2022; apparently, I made a lot of friends that year). After I finished her program, we actually did a DIFFERENT program together, which was a fun way to connect on more even footing.
Over the years, we’ve developed this really fun friendship.
We DM on Instagram all the time. And I remember this moment (it was kind of a milestone in our online friendship) when she asked:
“Do you want my WhatsApp number?”
And I was like: “Oh my gosh. We’re REAL friends.”
It sounds silly, but there was something about exchanging actual phone numbers (even if it’s WhatsApp) that felt like: okay, this is official.
Here’s the wild part: I’ve known Patrice for THREE YEARS. We talk all the time.
And I’m about to meet her in person for the first time.
I’m going to Portugal in a few weeks, and we’re meeting up. I can’t wait.
But it’s not that I feel weird we’ve never met in person. I just think it’s WILD we’ve never met in person, because we talk all the time.
Cathy: The Work Friend Who Became a Real Friend
Then there’s Cathy. (Hi Cathy, because she listens to these episodes!)
Cathy and I met because she was a friend of a friend online. At the time, she was doing copywriting, and I reached out to hire her.
We worked together for a while. I LOVED our conversations. Yeah, they were mostly work-related, but we’d also chat about our lives.
Then she decided to take a sabbatical.
And I realized: I missed her.
I missed chatting. I missed our conversations.
We’d already exchanged WhatsApp info for work (she lives in Europe, so it was easier with time zones). But I remember having this moment of:
“Hey, how are you doing? Sorry, don’t mean to bother you. I know we’re not working together…”
We had to re-establish that it was okay to talk about things outside of work.
Just like you might with a coworker you’re now seeing outside the office. We had to do the same thing virtually.
And over the past year and a half (maybe longer?), our friendship has developed into this beautiful thing.
We send voice memos back and forth on WhatsApp. We share things we see on social media: work stuff, but also other interests we’ve discovered we both have.
And then I got to a point where I was like: I wish we could have a longer conversation.
So I asked: “Want to hop on a Zoom together?”
And that’s how Cathy and I hang out. We get on Zoom and talk.
We talk about anything and everything:
- ▪️ Business
- ▪️ Neurodivergence
- ▪️ Books we’re reading
- ▪️ Things that inspire us
- ▪️ Faith, philosophy, politics
Cathy currently lives in Romania. So the last time we hung out, we were just… talking about Romanian politics versus US politics. How they’re structured. What bills are coming down the pipeline. How we’re feeling about it.
These are conversations so many people WISH they were having with ANY friends.
And I found someone on the other side of the world who wants to talk about the same things I do.
Is that not valuable? Is that not real?
Wes: The Podcast Guest Who Became a Text Friend
One more quick story: Wes Stroup (from Episode 72 about living in a small town and finding community).
We met to record a podcast episode together. You all got to hear part of our first meeting.
After that, we’d chat in the DMs. And at a certain point, he messaged me:
“Hey, I’m getting off social media. Here’s my phone number.”
And now we stay in touch. We’ve never met in person.
But if I were in that part of the country? I’d absolutely reach out. And I think it would be so fun, because we’ve had really great conversations about:
- ▪️ Connection
- ▪️ Faith
- ▪️ The state of the world
- ▪️ Politics
- ▪️ Our different perspectives
- ▪️ The areas of the world we’re in
- ▪️ Natural disasters
All sorts of things that some of you are probably like: “Wow, you’re just talking about that with someone you’ve never met?”
Yeah. We’ve talked a lot. So why not?
If you want to hear more depth on these personal stories about making friends online you need to tune into the full episode.
Addressing the Objections
Okay, so now that you’ve heard some of my stories, let’s tackle the objections people always throw at me about online friendships.
Objection #1: “Isn’t that dangerous? Meeting people online?”
Look, you’ve got to keep your wits about you. Just like meeting someone in person.
But here’s the thing: I’ve had some GREAT connections from meeting people online.
And when Alex and I decided to meet up in person? We picked a public place.
Partially because that’s smart safety-wise. But also because we didn’t know each other that well yet. Meeting at a coffee shop we both knew felt neutral and comfortable.
You use the same judgment you’d use when meeting anyone new.
You’re mindful of:
- ▪️ The information you’re sharing
- ▪️ How much you’re letting someone in
- ▪️ The vulnerability you’re offering
- ▪️ What personal details do you give (phone number, address, etc)
It’s the exact same online as it is offline.
Objection #2: “How close can you REALLY get without meeting in person?”
First of all: Even if someone is a simpler friendship or a defined friend (not your closest person), there’s still value.
If I’m having fun conversations with these people, and they’re enjoying it too. It doesn’t need to be my deepest friendship to be worthwhile.
But also? I think you CAN get close to people online.
And honestly, people come to me ALL THE TIME saying they don’t feel close to their IN-PERSON friends.
So I don’t know if online vs. offline really matters.
You get close to people in the ways you’re letting each other in.
I want to go back to my friend Cathy for a second.
When we started working together, our conversations were mostly professional. But over time, we started sharing more about our lives.
During her sabbatical, I realized I missed talking to her.
So we re-established: it’s okay to talk outside of work. We’re not just professional contacts.
And now? We have deep conversations about faith, philosophy, politics, neurodivergence, life.
Is that less close than having those conversations over coffee?
I also think (and this might be true for some of you) that it’s sometimes EASIER to be vulnerable in written or virtual communication.
There’s a pause. You send a message. The other person has a moment to digest and think about it.
It’s different than face-to-face. And for some people, it can feel safer to open up that way.
Objection #3: “Don’t you feel weird having friends you’ve never met in person?”
Honestly? It’s not that I feel weird. I just think it’s WILD we’ve never met.
Like with Patrice: we’ve known each other for three years. We talk all the time. And I’m about to meet her for the first time in Portugal.
It’s not weird. It’s just… modern friendship.
Here’s the thing: I crave physical presence with my friends too.
I have certain friends who live nearby, and I LOVE that I can just drive over and pick them up. I wish ALL my friends lived close enough for that.
But that’s just not how modern friendship works.
Not only for my online friends, but for my long-distance friends too.
Some of the people I consider my closest? I can’t drive over and pick them up.
So I think it’s less about physical presence (though I love that) and more about how we’re showing up for each other.
And in my online friendships, we show up for each other in really specific ways:
- ▪️ Some of my online friends are my biggest cheerleaders in my business
- ▪️ They’re often the first people I tell about a win
- ▪️ They understand what I’m doing day-to-day in ways my in-person friends don’t (because they’re not in this field)
Just like I don’t fully understand what my in-person friends do in their jobs (finance, medical field, etc.).
Objection #4: “But don’t online friendships just fizzle out?”
Don’t ANY friendships fizzle out when you don’t put effort into them?
Online or offline, friendship takes intention.
If there’s mutual value for both people, both people will keep coming back.
And sometimes it might actually be EASIER to find people online who:
- ▪️ Are on the same wavelength
- ▪️ Share your values
- ▪️ Are different and intriguing
- ▪️ Pique your curiosity
Depending on where you live and your life circumstances, it might be easier to find that online than offline.
Objection #5: “Isn’t it all just surface-level social media stuff?”
Tell that to my friend who’s one of the first people I call when I have a business crisis.
What’s the value there?
I’m out here trying to run a million different parts of my business on my own. I never could do it if I didn’t have people to reach out to and ask questions.
Objection #6: “How do you REALLY know who these online friends are?”
Do we not all have in-person friends we kind of don’t feel like we fully know?
I have friends I’ve had for a very long time. It’s taken SO long for them to let me in and see the real them. And there are still parts of them that are walled off.
Why would we expect online friends to be any different?
We’re never really going to FULLY know anybody. We can’t read their minds. We can’t live their daily experience.
We’re just getting what they offer to us.
And honestly? Sometimes people are MORE authentic online.
When you don’t have that first visual judgment, you can let down your social masks.
When you’re in a space (a Facebook group, a VR experience, whatever) you might feel more ACCEPTED there than in your hometown.
And that might lead to more real conversations.
There are even more objections (and answers) covered in this conversation. Listen to the complete episode for the full list.
Objection #7: “Don’t you miss having ‘real’ experiences?”
Define real.
I showed up to a business group Zoom call once, crying. Completely overwhelmed.
This was right before I got all my health diagnoses. I was trying to juggle figuring out what was wrong with me AND keep my business running. I was at my absolute breaking point.
All the women on that Zoom call just… held space for me. They were bewildered because they didn’t know where this was coming from (I’d been trying to hold it together).
Is that less real than crying over coffee?
Is celebrating a win via voice note less joyful?
I don’t think so.
Objection #8: “Don’t you feel weird explaining these friendships to other people?”
Why do I care about anyone’s opinion of my friendships?
Now, if someone has safety concerns (which could be about an in-person OR online friendship), listen to that.
But otherwise?
If it’s a valuable, beautiful, reciprocal, nourishing connection… if I’m having conversations I love having…
Ignore the judgment. Go after the connections that feel right to you.
The Line Between Online and Offline Is Blurrier Than You Think
Here’s what feels really interesting to me:
The more I talk about this, the more arbitrary that line between online and offline friendship feels.
Think about it:
When some of my closest college friends moved to Italy, our friendship didn’t become less real because we switched to WhatsApp and FaceTime.
So why would a friendship that STARTED with messaging and FaceTime be somehow less authentic?
Let me ask you this: How many of YOUR friendships primarily exist through your phone right now?
The group chats. The voice messages. The quick texts to check in.
We’re ALL maintaining relationships digitally.
The only difference is whether we met in person first or through digital spaces.
What Online Friendships Have Given Me
In my personal experience, online friendships have enriched my life in SO many ways:
Global perspectives: Like with Cathy: hearing about Romanian politics, different cultural contexts, different ways of thinking.
Professional support: So many of my founder friends who GET what I’m doing day-to-day in ways my local friends can’t.
Unexpected connections: Like Wes: conversations I wouldn’t have had otherwise.
Niche interests: Finding people who want to talk about the EXACT things I want to talk about (even if nobody in my local circle does).
And yeah, sometimes I wish I could hug these friends in person. Sometimes I wish we could meet for actual coffee instead of virtual coffee.
But that doesn’t make our connection any less real.
The Bottom Line
So, if you’ve ever stopped yourself from pursuing an online friendship because you thought maybe it was “less than” or not quite as meaningful or real?
I want to remind you: These friendships can be incredibly valuable.
Because at the end of the day, true connection isn’t about where it started or how it’s maintained.
It’s about how we show up for each other. How we support each other. How do we create space for real conversation?
Whether that’s across a dinner table or across the world.
And here’s what I know for sure:
Some of my most meaningful connections, some of the strongest support I have for very specific areas of my life, came from friendships that started with:
- ▪️ A DM
- ▪️ A comment
- ▪️ A Zoom call
- ▪️ A shared online space
So yes. Online friends are REAL friends.
Stop judging them as less than. Stop feeling weird about valuing them.
Start appreciating what they offer instead of focusing on what they aren’t.
Because the truth is: We’re all doing digital friendship maintenance anyway.
So why does it matter if we met in person first?
Have online friendships but feel weird about them? Stop. They’re real. They matter. Invest in them without guilt.
Want to hear more stories of online-to-offline friendships? Check out Episode 44 with Deasha (she flew to meet an online friend and now they’re inseparable) and Episode 48 with Michelle (she makes friends in local Facebook groups every time she moves).
Curious about finding community online? Episode 72 with Wes covers virtual reality spaces, and I have TONS of episodes on using online tools to find local connections.
Know someone who dismisses online friendships as “not real”? Send them this episode. Maybe it’ll shift their perspective. Or maybe they’ll realize THEIR long-distance friendships are maintained the exact same way.
Have an online friend you want to celebrate? Let’s talk about it in the comments! How did you meet them?
Want to hear all the stories and strategies for building real friendships online? Tune into the full episode for everything discussed above and more.
