I was scrolling last night and saw a reel.
Someone was talking about how all they want is “quality over quantity” in their friendships.
And I just sat there thinking: What IS quality?
Because I get what that person is trying to say. I really do.
They’re saying: “I don’t need very many friends. I just need a few quality friends.”
Or maybe: “I want quality hangouts with my friends,” which probably makes you think of uninterrupted time where you can really dive deep into conversation.
And I’m not saying those are bad things.
But the more I thought about this idea of “quality friendships,” the more it grated on me.
So I started challenging this assumption about what quality actually means.
And the more I got into it, the more I realized: This deserves a whole episode.
Because I think the way we’re thinking about quality in friendship? It’s actually LIMITING us.
And creating a ton of unnecessary anxiety.
The Traditional View of “Quality Friends”
Let’s start by breaking down what most people mean when they say they want “a few quality friends.”
The traditional view looks like this:
You have a small group, maybe 2, 3, 4 friends (or separate friendships, doesn’t really matter).
And these friendships are all-encompassing.
They’re people you:
- ▪️ Talk to all the time
- ▪️ Are in text threads with
- ▪️ Can talk to about just about anything
- ▪️ Know would be there for you
- ▪️ Have emotional intimacy with
- ▪️ Have really strong beliefs about
Does that track for you?
Because I think that’s a pretty common way to view “quality friends.”
But I want you to reconsider the term quality.
Reframe #1: Quality is Specificity, Not Comprehensiveness
Here’s my question:
What if you had ONE friend who wasn’t your closest friend?
Someone you’ve only known for a few months. They’ve never been in your dirty house before.
You’re still in the stage where you’re pulling yourself together. You haven’t let them in fully.
But that friend GETS YOU in one area of your life that you feel like no one else really gets.
Is that not quality?
Example 1: The New Parent Friend
Let’s say you’re a new parent. You’re the first person in your friend group to have a baby.
None of your other friends really get it.
They don’t understand:
- ▪️ The late-night wake-ups
- ▪️ The pressure
- ▪️ The way you walk into the doctor’s office, and you don’t have a name anymore. You’re just “mom” or “dad.”
They don’t get it because they’re not experiencing it.
But having another friend who IS a new parent? That hits on the exact part of your life that’s most all-consuming right now.
That might be a quality friendship in this moment.
In fact, it might be one of the most vital, sanity-saving friendships you have.
Even if it’s only someone you’re friends with for six months, a year, or a couple of years.
This might be such a quality friendship because it’s exactly what you need.
It gives you one specific area of support or connection.
Example 2: The Loss Support Friend
Another example: Maybe you’ve experienced a loss.
I’m about to get in the car, actually, and go help a friend who lost her spouse recently. I’m going to stay with her this week.
I’ve experienced a lot of loss. And I’ve helped a lot of people after loss.
Probably because I experienced loss so young, I’ve always been there for people. It’s like the club I don’t want anybody to join, but everyone inevitably is going to join.
When somebody joins this club and experiences significant loss (a parent, a child, a spouse) I get it.
When she asked me to show up, to get in the car, and go? She knew I had experienced this. I would understand what I was walking into.
Now, I think we have a quality friendship overall: it’s a long-standing friendship.
But in that moment of her life? It honestly doesn’t really matter that we’ve been friends for 18-20 years.
What matters is that I’m really good at supporting someone in a crisis moment.
Any other friend she’s known for that long could show up. But if they’re not good in that crisis moment?
If they don’t understand how to navigate the dynamic? The fact that the house is going to feel weird and awkward? That there will be moments where you’re all sitting around numb, staring at the wall, and also moments of panic?
If somebody doesn’t understand that? That’s not really quality for her in that moment.
The Reframe
Sometimes quality is SPECIFICITY, not comprehensiveness.
It’s knowing those moments when it’s okay to throw away the traditional viewpoint of an all-encompassing friend who just gets all the parts of you.
And say: “You know what? I love and appreciate my friends. But in THIS moment, what I need is something very, very specific. And that’s all that matters to me.”
These reframes on what quality friendship really means might change how you see your connections. Hear them all in the full episode.
Reframe #2: Quality is Effortlessness Through PRACTICE (Not Magic)
Here’s another assumption about quality friendships:
That they feel effortless. Everything just flows.
And I do think sometimes we click better with certain people.
But sometimes I think some people are just better at “cooking” with people.
Some people are better at going with the flow. Reading cues. Communication.
If that’s not you? That’s okay. That’s not a necessary skill.
Make friends with more people who ARE that type. That’ll make it feel more effortless.
But here’s what I want you to understand:
We have this idea of effortless = easy = no vulnerability.
Because if there are no awkward moments, we don’t have to feel vulnerable.
But I would venture to say the reality is actually this:
A friendship feels effortless because you have PUT IN so much effort navigating weird situations that it becomes NORMAL to navigate weird situations.
Effortlessness is a MUSCLE you build.
The Storage Unit Story
Let me give you an example.
A friend of mine was moving across the world. She was putting all her belongings in a storage unit.
This wasn’t one of my closest, oldest, longest, deepest friendships. Someone I haven’t known for that long. But I really enjoy her company.
She was running out of time before her flight. We kept trying to make plans. But she had a LOT going on: packing, insurance, flights, and figuring out where she’s staying.
Totally fair that she didn’t have time to get together.
We got to a point where she had 48 hours left.
She said, “I really would love to see you, but I don’t have that chunk of time.”
I said: “That’s not a problem. What are some errands you need to do?”
She was like: “Well, this is kind of weird, but I need to go to my storage unit. The movers didn’t pack it well. I need to move stuff around. You don’t have to help, but we could chat while I do that.”
I said: “Heck yeah. Let’s go. Pick me up.”
So she picks me up. We’re having a casual time in the car. Chatting about her trip. What’s going on in my life.
We arrive at the storage unit.
As we’re walking to her unit, we pass this man.
Super nice guy. But his unit had just been broken into. He was FIRED UP.
All of her belongings are in this place. She’s leaving in 48 hours. She doesn’t have time to move everything.
This nice gentleman proceeds to tell us that several units in the building have been broken into.
He’s adding additional locks. This is what was stolen.
That’s kind of an awkward, high-stress moment, right?
It’s not MY belongings. I have no stake in this.
But I’m just there as my friend is getting more and more anxious about leaving the country, while all her stuff might get stolen.
We talked about that interaction later. We recovered. We were fine.
I talked to her about pros and cons. Should she move her stuff? This and that.
I’m not going to say it felt completely effortless. But it didn’t feel terrible.
That was a very vulnerable moment, especially for her. And it was awkward. Her anxiety was through the roof.
But because I have put myself in SO many weird situations with my friends, I have an understanding of how to navigate them in a way that makes it as close to effortless as we can.
Because that could have completely derailed the hangout. And it didn’t.
The Reframe
Friendship feels “effortless” because it’s actually a MUSCLE you build.
In an ideal world, you build that together with your friend.
But YOU building that muscle will serve you in other friendships too.
Friendships feel effortless when you don’t blink twice when something weird comes up.
Because you’ve built the muscle to navigate through the awkwardness.
THAT is quality. That makes you a quality friend.
And it makes it a quality friendship if you two can put yourselves in situations where you work on developing that muscle TOGETHER.
That could be:
- ▪️ Going on a trip with a new friend
- ▪️ Going to their storage unit
- ▪️ Helping them in a scenario where they feel out of their depth (like going to a car dealership with a friend who’s not a car person)
That’s the kind of thing that builds the muscle.
Reframe #3: Quality is Integration, Not Just Uninterrupted Time
Okay, the third reframe. This one’s about “quality time.”
The traditional view: Finding uninterrupted pockets of time with friends.
Come over for dinner. Weekend trip together. Coffee with phones silenced.
I LOVE those moments with my friends.
I love uninterrupted time. Or curated time around a certain interest or activity.
But here’s the problem:
It can be really hard to find uninterrupted pockets of time.
Especially if you’re trying to coordinate multiple people.
And that creates a LOT of pressure.
There’s all this advice out there: “If it’s a priority, you’ll find the time!”
But here’s my reframe:
Quality can also be INTEGRATION.
Folding your friends into your life.
The Grocery Shopping Example
Quality could be going grocery shopping together.
I have a friend who had heard me talk about this idea. But it wasn’t until we were walking the aisles that she really understood what I was talking about.
We were going on a work trip. We met at a grocery store near the Airbnb. We went inside to get food for a couple of days.
Not even cooking every meal. Just breakfast and snacks.
You’re like: “Yeah, yeah, Alex. Go grocery shopping together.”
But here’s the thing about grocery shopping together:
You learn SO MUCH about your friends and their preferences.
We’re walking through the store. She’s like: “Okay, I need coffee. I love coffee. I need a couple of cups in the morning. What kind do you like? Let’s get one we both like.”
I said: “Honestly, I don’t really drink coffee. I’m a tea girl. In fact, my favorite is iced tea.”
Then we’re talking about what we both like for breakfast. Favorite snack foods. “Oh, I have these health problems. I can’t eat that thing, but I can eat this one.”
We’re navigating all this together.
And now, to this day?
She’ll be driving to meet me somewhere. She’ll stop for coffee. And she’ll text me: “Do you want an iced tea?”
She learned that because we were grocery shopping together.
Other Integration Examples
Airport pickups:
I do this a lot with friends. Especially when you’re busy or they work a lot?
It gives me a built-in 20-30 minute hangout.
We’re trapped in the car. That IS uninterrupted time. There’s nothing else except driving and talking.
Being there for medical appointments:
Maybe you drive them home. Or they need to take their car in for service.
If you’re a single person? Offer your single friends this.
Number one: They NEED that offer.
Number two: If you’re in a relationship, maybe ask someone else. Why not?
It creates more intimacy and vulnerability.
Because the fact is: Real life is messier and more vulnerable than coffee dates.
The integration approach to friendship is full of practical examples. Listen to the complete episode for more ideas on weaving friends into daily life.
Long Distance Versions
“But Alex, my friends don’t live nearby!”
Long distance versions of integration:
- ▪️ Prop open your computer while you both cook dinner
- ▪️ FaceTime while you fold laundry
- ▪️ Call each other while running errands (yes, you might have to hang up multiple times. Please hang up at the checkout line, that’s my pet peeve!)
The Reframe
Isn’t quality connecting beyond curated lists of questions at dinner or coffee?
Isn’t quality actually KNOWING what your friend’s life is like? Being there for them?
I would say that’s just as quality (if not MORE) than an uninterrupted pocket of time.
How This Reduces Friendship Anxiety
My hope with all of this? It helps you reduce friendship anxiety.
Here’s what this reframe does:
1. Less overthinking about fitting “perfect friendship moments” into your busy schedule
You don’t need weeks to plan a themed murder-mystery luau dinner party.
Just ask them to drive you to your doctor’s appointment. Same. Both quality.
2. Less pressure to curate the perfect hangout
You’ve developed that “effortlessness muscle,” so when the dinner reservation gets canceled, or your friend has car trouble?
You just pivot.
You’re like: “It’s fine. I’ll come pick you up. Actually, do you need me to drive you to the auto body shop? That can be our friend hangout tonight.”
THAT is quality. That’s what we’re dying for deep down inside.
3. Permission to be imperfect in your friendship efforts
And if I’m going to take that a step further: Permission to STOP PERFORMING friendship and to just BE IN friendship.
Let that breathe for a second.
Because sometimes I think this idea of “quality” has us trying to PERFORM what we think is the perfect version of friendship.
We’re so hyper-focused on performance and outcomes that we come home feeling… disconnected.
Even though we just spent “quality time” together.
Your Challenge This Week
I’m not even asking you to DO anything (though bonus points if you do).
I just want you to THINK.
Challenge 1: Where can you integrate your friends into your actual life?
Not “where can I carve out 3 uninterrupted hours.”
Where can I fold them INTO what I’m already doing?
Challenge 2: Is there an area of your life where you wish you had a more specific friend?
Not an all-encompassing bestie. A friend who GETS that one thing.
Where might you find that person?
The Bottom Line
Here’s what I want you to take away:
We’ve been told “quality over quantity” in friendship.
But what if our definition of “quality” is actually limiting us?
What if quality isn’t:
- ▪️ Having a few all-encompassing friends who get every part of you
- ▪️ Effortless connection that requires no work
- ▪️ Only uninterrupted, curated pockets of time
What if quality IS:
- ▪️ Specificity (the friend who gets you in ONE crucial area)
- ▪️ Effortlessness through PRACTICE (building the muscle to navigate weird moments)
- ▪️ Integration (folding friends into your messy, real life)
Because here’s the irony:
If you lean into THIS reframe about quality?
You’re actually going to find you don’t have to choose between quality and quantity.
How crazy is that?
If you find the right quality (this more natural quality) it’s going to lead to MORE quantity.
Because you’re going to let people in more.
Whether it’s because:
- ▪️ They support you in a very specific area
- ▪️ It’s easier to fold them into your life
- ▪️ You’re not scared that awkward moments will derail everything
You’ll invite people in more.
So stop performing friendship. Start being IN friendship.
And watch what happens.
Ready to reframe what quality means in your friendships? Tune into the full episode for everything discussed above and more.
