Have you ever felt like everyone else got some sort of manual for making friends, but your copy somehow got lost in the mail?
Like there’s this invisible code to connection that everyone else understands except you?
Coach Lee Hopkins knows that feeling intimately.
For DECADES, he watched other people effortlessly build the kinds of friendships he saw on TV. Shows like Full House and Family Matters and (obviously) Friends made it look so easy. People just… had close relationships. Fast friends. Deep connections.
And Lee kept thinking: “Why can’t I make that? If I just move somewhere else, if I just keep trying different things…”
But it didn’t work.
Until about eight months ago, when everything clicked into place.
Lee discovered he’s autistic. And that discovery? It didn’t make connection HARDER. It became the gateway to genuine connection.
In this episode, Lee (who’s now a Social Connections & Business Culture Coach and CEO of Patterns of Possibility) shares his full journey: the decades of struggle, the TikTok videos that made everything make sense, the relationships that imploded when he stopped masking, the fear of being alone forever, and the hope on the other side.
Because here’s the thing: the relationships that require you to mask aren’t the ones that will sustain you.
The Decades of Struggle Nobody Talks About
Lee didn’t just struggle with friendships for a few years. He struggled for his ENTIRE LIFE.
“I thought, well, if I just get out of my hometown, if I just move somewhere else, I can find the right people. If I just keep going and just keep trying different things…”
But nothing worked.
And at a certain point, he had to sit down and ask himself: what’s going on with ME?
“I realized that the quality of my life would improve, and I can’t just ignore this. Opportunities to work for jobs came, and there’s always a focus to make money, be successful in that way. But I couldn’t ignore the fact that I was struggling with my relationships.”
So the relationship piece took PRIORITY. Over making money. Over career success. Over everything.
Five years ago, he started working in this field. Three years ago, he quit his full-time job to do this work full-time.
But the REAL turning point? That came about eight months ago.
The full episode goes so much deeper into Lee’s journey.
The TikTok Discovery That Changed Everything
Lee discovered he’s autistic through TikTok.
(And before you judge that — keep reading.)
The algorithm started showing him videos of people who identified as autistic describing experiences and thought processes EXACTLY like his.
“I thought, I’m not autistic, though.”
Then he’d swipe. Another video. Same experience. Swipe. Another one.
“I’d read the comments and I’m like, I would have said exactly that. I must be… no wait, let me do some more research.”
He learned that when he thought of autism, he thought of high support needs. Nonverbal. Rain Man-level genius.
“I’m not those things. I’m varying degrees of those things.”
But then he found HUNDREDS of people whose experiences were just like his.
Things that had confused him his entire life suddenly made SENSE.
Why he gets annoyed with certain sounds. Why he eats the same foods for months at a time. Why he doesn’t want anyone to interrupt his routine.
“I didn’t know that that was WHY. And so knowing that about myself, being able to share that with other people, helps me inform the kind of relationships I create too.”
In the full episode, Lee shares so much more about this discovery process.
When Relationships Implode (And Why That’s Not Always Bad)
Here’s the part nobody warns you about when you discover you’re neurodivergent:
Some of your relationships are going to fall apart.
When Lee started being more direct, when he stopped masking, when he asked for clear instructions instead of trying to decode implied meanings…
People didn’t like it.
“I’m learning as a person with autism, sharing with allistic people, some people who feel insecure, they feel attacked by that.”
He realized there’s a communication gap. His brain thinks in patterns and lists and clear steps. Allistic brains often work in nuance.
He acknowledged that in certain situations — at work, when trying to get a task done — masking is necessary.
“But at the same time, I recognize that a person who speaks that way to me, I cannot be close to them. Because it’s exhausting.”
And as he started speaking more clearly and plainly, a lot of his allistic relationships started to implode.
There’s so much more in the full episode about navigating this transition period.
The Fear of Being Alone Forever
After Lee started unmasking, after relationships started imploding, he hit a LOW point.
He pushed everyone away. Then he went back to try to salvage relationships.
He explained: “This is who I am. This is how I show up, how I’m going to show up.”
And he gave them the option of whether they wanted to continue the relationship.
“As I think about this now, none of them wanted to. None of them wanted to.”
Pause on that for a second.
NONE of them.
But here’s what he said next: “I’m not upset about this. I’m very delighted to understand more about what I DON’T want. So I get more of what I DO want.”
He didn’t skip over the hard part though.
“I did initially feel… oh my god, nobody’s ever gonna… what if I can’t… maybe I should go back and try.”
And he DID try going back.
“I felt icky. I felt awful. And so that was enough for me to say, either you’re going to be alone right now and let go of those relationships, or you’re going to go back to those relationships and feel icky. So what do you want to do?”
He chose to be alone for a bit and figure out what he wanted.
And THAT’S when the whole world starts to open up.
Finding Your People (Yes, They Exist)
After the relationships imploded, after the fear of being alone, after the decision to be authentic even if it meant being lonely…
Lee started ADDING.
And I got so excited when he talked about this that I was literally smiling really big on camera.
He’s been seeking people out in the neurodivergent community.
And here’s what I love: he’s not looking for ONE person who fills ALL his needs.
“Even within those people who are doing fun things with me, there are only certain things that they will do with me. Like one person will go to the museums with me, and we’ll hang out every couple three months. Perfect. That’s exactly what I’m looking for.”
But he’s also adding MENTORS.
(Side note: In 100+ episodes, Lee is the FIRST person to bring up seeking out mentors as part of building community. I was thrilled.)
These mentors understand his autism, how he speaks, everything. “Lots of patience and understanding.”
“I definitely know that I need people, and now that I know that I need people, I know WHICH people I need too. And where they are. And I’m starting conversations with them.”
The full episode has so much more about how Lee is building his community now.
What Allistic People Need to Understand
I need to pause here and say something directly to the neurotypical (allistic) people reading this.
If you have someone in your life who’s autistic, it should be a RELIEF to know that.
Not a burden. A RELIEF.
Because now you have INFORMATION. You can make small adjustments that make connection so much easier.
“I would feel SEEN. You’re recognizing that I’m like a deer in the headlights and you’re like, ‘Lee, I know you want to ask. Maybe you don’t even know what to ask. But I got you. I’m going to help clear it up for you.'”
It’s not about getting it perfect. It’s about TRYING.
“That’s sad. Let’s not just… not talk to each other.”
In the full episode, we go DEEP into what this communication gap looks like and how both autistic and allistic people can work together to bridge it.
The Three Pillars of Building Authentic Connection
Lee now coaches late-diagnosed autistic adults through building authentic relationships.
And his approach has three pillars:
Pillar 1: Understanding Yourself
You need to get CLEAR. Not just “I want a friend.” But “I’m looking for a friend who plays basketball on the weekends and also has kids, so they know what it’s like.” Specific. Clear. Direct.
Pillar 2: Creating Boundaries
“Boundaries are really the shape of you. Boundaries are about talking about what you want — your needs, wants, and desires. It’s not about getting consent from other people. It’s about telling people who you are and what you want, and then you let them respond.”
That’s the key: LETTING them respond. If they respond in a way that doesn’t feel good, you pay attention to that.
Pillar 3: Conscious Conversations
Lee teaches his clients how to move beyond small talk OR trauma dumping into something more meaningful.
“We want to know it sooner rather than later. You’d rather know in eight DAYS rather than eight MONTHS.”
The full episode goes into so much more detail about each of these pillars. Tune into the full episode.
What to Do If You Just Got Diagnosed
I asked Lee: if someone was just diagnosed with autism and has wanted connection for a while… what would you tell them?
“Take some time to spend to understand more about YOU first. What is connection to you? Start having conversations. Be naturally curious.”
He used this analogy: “People will say, ‘I want something to eat.’ And the universe will give you food. It’ll bring you shrimp, chocolate, pizza. It’s food, right? But it’s not exactly what you want.”
So get clear on what YOU want.
Step one: Get to know yourself. Take a pause.
The Right People Are Out There
What strikes me most about Lee’s story is how discovering he’s autistic actually became a GATEWAY to genuine connection.
When he stopped trying to fit into relationships that required him to mask, it opened up space for the kinds of connections that actually nourished him.
Whether you’re neurodivergent or neurotypical or have some other reason your brain is unique…
The principle remains the same:
The relationships that require you to shrink yourself aren’t the ones that will sustain you.
The connections worth having are the ones where you can take up space. Share your interests. And trust that the right people will not only accept that part of you — they’ll CELEBRATE it.
So if you’re feeling stuck in surface-level relationships, or if you’re tired of feeling like you’re always performing to be accepted…
Maybe it’s time to get curious about what authentic connection looks like for YOU.
Not anyone else. For YOU.
The right people are out there. They DO exist.
And sometimes it just takes courage to find them.
This conversation with Lee is one of the most honest, vulnerable, and HOPEFUL episodes I’ve recorded. Listen to the full episode.
