It’s 3 am.
You’re lying in bed, wide awake, replaying that conversation from earlier today.
The one where you:
- ▪️ Said something that came out wrong
- ▪️ Laughed too loud at their joke
- ▪️ Forgot their name mid-conversation
- ▪️ Rambled about that thing nobody else cared about
- ▪️ Just felt… awkward
You’re mentally cataloging every cringe-worthy moment. Every time you stumbled over your words. Every joke that fell flat.
You’re convinced they walked away thinking you’re weird. Boring. Too much. Not enough.
Here’s what I need you to know:
They probably thought the conversation was fine.
Maybe even good.
In fact, research shows that you are systematically underestimating how much they liked talking to you (learn more in Episode 69)
The Liking Gap (And Why It’s Ruining Your Sleep)
There’s actual research on this.
It’s called the “liking gap.”
Studies show that after initial conversations, people consistently think they’re less likable than the other person actually found them to be.
Translation: You walk away thinking “that was awkward.”
They walk away thinking “that was nice.”
You’re both having completely different experiences of the same conversation.
And here’s the kicker: This happens to almost everyone.
It’s not just you. It’s not because you’re uniquely awkward or socially inept.
It’s because you’re hyper-aware of your own internal experience—and you have no idea what’s going on in the other person’s head.
Why This Happens
Think about what YOU’RE aware of during a conversation:
- ▪️ Every time you stumbled over a word
- ▪️ That moment you couldn’t think of what to say
- ▪️ When you laughed too loudly
- ▪️ When you shared that story, that maybe went on too long
- ▪️ Every internal “oh god, why did I say that?”
You’re experiencing your own awkwardness in real-time.
Now think about what you’re aware of from THEIR side:
- ▪️ …
- ▪️ …
- ▪️ Nothing.
You can’t see their internal experience. You can’t hear their thoughts. You don’t know if they’re also worried, they said something weird.
You only see the polished exterior they’re presenting.
So, of course, you think you came across worse. You’re comparing your messy internal experience to their seemingly smooth external presentation.
But here’s the truth: They’re doing the exact same thing.
They’re also lying awake at 3 am replaying the conversation. Also convinced THEY were the awkward one.
You’re both wrong about yourselves.
What This Looked Like in My Life
I used to do this ALL the time.
I’d have a conversation with someone new—maybe at a networking event or a friend’s party—and I’d walk away mentally cataloging everything I did “wrong.”
“Why did I tell that long story about my dog? Nobody cared.”
“I asked too many questions. I probably seemed nosy.”
“I laughed at that joke that wasn’t actually funny. Now they think I’m fake.”
And then I’d avoid that person at the next event because I was convinced they thought I was weird.
Until one day, one of those people I was avoiding came up to me and said:
“Hey! I was hoping I’d see you here. I really enjoyed our conversation last time.”
Wait, what?
The conversation I had been CONVINCED was awkward and terrible?
They thought it was good. They wanted to talk MORE.
That’s when I realized: My internal experience of the conversation and their experience of it were completely different.
And that realization changed everything.
The Five Things That Actually Make You Likable (And Help You Trust Yourself)
Okay, so knowing about the liking gap is helpful.
But it doesn’t magically stop the 3 am spiral, right?
So here’s what I want to give you: Five specific, actionable things you can do to walk away from conversations feeling more confident.
Not because these things will make people like you more (they probably already like you more than you think).
But because doing these things will help YOU trust that you showed up well.
And when you trust yourself, the negative self-talk gets quieter.
1. Show You’re Engaged (Even If You’re Neurodivergent and Eye Contact Is Hell)
Here’s the thing about “engagement”:
Most advice tells you to make eye contact, nod, smile, and lean in.
And if those things come naturally to you? Great.
But if you’re neurodivergent and eye contact feels physically painful? If smiling on command feels like masking? If you can’t nod and process information at the same time?
You can show engagement in other ways.
Neurotypical Engagement Cues:
- ▪️ Eye contact
- ▪️ Nodding
- ▪️ Smiling
- ▪️ Leaning in
- ▪️ Mirroring body language
- ▪️ Laughing at appropriate times
Neurodivergent (or just alternative) Engagement Cues:
Use your words:
- ▪️ “I’m really enjoying this conversation.”
- ▪️ “I’d love to talk more about this”
- ▪️ “This is so interesting.”
- ▪️ “I wish we had more time to discuss this.”
Use your body (in ways that feel natural):
- ▪️ You might naturally lean in when excited
- ▪️ Your hands might get more animated
- ▪️ You might speak faster or louder when passionate
- ▪️ You might take up more space
(And if you’ve been told to be quieter, smaller, less animated? I’m so sorry. That passion and energy IS engagement. Don’t shut it down.)
The point: Show that you’re happy to be in this conversation.
However, that looks good for you.
We break down five research-backed traits that make people likable and help quiet that 3 am spiral. Listen to the full episode to hear them all.
2. Be Genuinely Interested (And Let Them Know It)
This one is huge.
Likeable people are interested in others.
Not in a fake way. Not in an “I’m asking questions because I’m supposed to” way.
In a genuine “I actually want to know more about you” way.
What This Looks Like:
Ask follow-up questions:
Not just “What do you do?” and moving on.
But “Oh, you’re a teacher? What grade? What’s the most surprising thing about teaching that age?”
Remember small details:
If they mention they’re training for a marathon, ask about it next time you see them.
If they said they’re from Ohio, reference that later: “Oh, you’re from Ohio—have you been back recently?”
Lean into topics they’re excited about:
Even if it’s not YOUR thing.
If they light up talking about their sourdough starter, ask questions about it. Their enthusiasm is contagious.
Connect what they’re saying to things you know:
“Oh, my friend is also really into rock climbing. She’s always talking about the community aspect. Is that part of what you love about it?”
For My Neurodivergent Friends:
You might naturally info-dump when you’re excited about something.
And then you might worry: “Did I just talk too much? Did I dominate the conversation?”
Here’s what I want you to know:
Sharing your enthusiasm IS being interested.
When you info-dump about something you’re passionate about, you’re showing: “I trust you with this part of me. I think you’ll find this interesting too.”
That’s connection.
Now, if the other person is clearly checked out? If they’re looking around the room, giving one-word answers, trying to leave?
Then yeah, it might be time to pivot.
But if they’re asking follow-up questions? If they’re engaged?
Keep going. Your passion is not a burden.
The Balance:
The key is: Are you asking questions AND sharing about yourself?
If you’re only asking questions, it can feel like an interview.
If you’re only talking about yourself, it can feel one-sided.
But if you’re doing both? That’s conversation.
3. Search for the Good in People (Even If They’re Not “Your People”)
This one is subtle but powerful.
Likable people try to find something they genuinely like or appreciate about the person they’re talking to.
This doesn’t mean you have to become best friends with everyone.
This doesn’t mean you ignore red flags or force yourself to like someone who makes you uncomfortable.
It just means: Try to find ONE thing.
Maybe they:
- ▪️ Bring a lot of energy to the conversation
- ▪️ Wear really creative outfits
- ▪️ Ask thoughtful questions
- ▪️ Have an interesting perspective on something
- ▪️ Are clearly passionate about their work
- ▪️ Make you laugh
Even if the rest of their personality grates on you, focus on that one thing.
Because here’s what happens when you do this:
The other person can feel it.
We’ve all been in conversations where we can tell the other person is… not into it. They’re thinking things about us that we’re not happy about.
It feels BAD.
But when someone is genuinely finding the good in you—even if you’re not going to be best friends—it feels GOOD.
And that makes you more likable.
For My Neurodivergent Friends:
I know this can be hard when the other person is making you feel like you’re “too much” or “not enough.”
When they’re pushing you to mask or interact in ways that feel impossible.
If someone is making you feel like you fundamentally shouldn’t exist in that space?
That’s not about finding the good. That’s about getting OUT.
But if it’s just someone who’s different from you—different communication style, different interests, different energy—try to find one thing you can appreciate.
It makes the interaction easier for both of you.
4. Be Positive (But Not Toxically So)
Here’s the thing about negativity:
We all deserve to express when we’re having a bad day.
We all need to vent sometimes.
But if you let negativity dominate the ENTIRE conversation?
That can be really draining for the other person.
And it means nobody else feels like they can say anything positive.
The Balance:
If you’re having a rough day and you need to talk about it, do that.
But maybe at the end, acknowledge it:
“Hey, I’m having a really rough day, and I know I’ve been pretty negative. But that doesn’t mean everyone needs to talk about bad things. We can talk about good stuff too.”
That verbal cue gives everyone permission to shift.
For My Neurodivergent Friends:
Here’s something important:
Being direct is not the same as being negative.
If you’re stating things out loud that allistic (non-autistic) people are skirting around, that’s not negativity.
That’s honesty.
Allistic people might be expressing the same sentiment through body language and tone—they’re just doing it nonverbally.
You’re doing it with words.
If people constantly tell you you’re “too negative” when you’re just being direct?
That’s not actually about you being negative.
That’s about them not understanding different communication styles.
Find people who see the difference.
5. Offer Basic Respect From the Start (This Is My Favorite One)
Okay, this one is huge.
Most people go into conversations at Ground Zero.
They make you EARN their respect. They want to test you.
But here’s what I believe:
Everyone deserves basic respect from the start.
Not blind trust. Not “I’ll tell you my deepest secrets immediately.”
Just: I’m treating you like a human being who deserves to be here.
When you start with something in the bank—when the other person feels like they’re not starting from nothing—it’s so much easier to connect.
What Basic Respect Looks Like:
Being trustworthy:
If someone shares something small with you, don’t immediately turn around and tell everyone else.
Even if it’s not a “secret.” Even if it’s just “I’m excited about this thing on the horizon.”
If they told YOU, they wanted YOU to know. Not the whole party.
Being encouraging:
When someone shares something with you, respond with genuine encouragement.
“Wow, that’s going to be amazing!”
“Things are going to look so different for you in a year. I can’t wait to hear how it goes.”
“Can I follow you on social media? I want to cheer you on.”
Even if you don’t know them well.
Remembering small details:
If you’ve met before, acknowledge it.
You don’t need to remember their name. But you can say:
“Hey, you look familiar. Can you remind me how you know the host?”
Don’t make them feel invisible.
I have a friend-of-a-friend I’ve met EIGHT TIMES. Eight.
And every single time, they act like we’ve never met.
It’s infuriating.
Not because I expect them to remember my name. But because I exist. I’ve been in their presence EIGHT TIMES.
Acknowledge that.
Verbalizing appreciation:
If someone did something that made you feel seen, tell them.
“Hey, thanks for throwing my name out in that meeting.”
“I really appreciated how encouraging you’ve been while I’ve been advocating for this promotion.”
Small moments of recognition go SO far.
For My Neurodivergent Friends:
A lot of neurotypical people do these “basic respect” things nonverbally.
They smile. They nod. They put a hand on your shoulder. They hug you.
You can do all of this verbally.
“I’m so interested to hear how this goes for you.”
“I’ve never considered that path, but I want to hear about your journey.”
“I’m really glad we got to talk today.”
Words work just as well as body language.
The connection between likability and self-trust is powerful. Tune into the complete episode for the full picture.
How This Builds Self-Trust (And Quiets the 3 am Spiral)
Okay, so you might be thinking:
“Alex, this is great. But how does doing these things stop me from lying awake replaying conversations?”
Here’s how:
When you have a mental checklist of things you DID in the conversation, you have evidence that you showed up well.
Instead of lying there thinking, “I was so awkward,” you can think:
“I asked follow-up questions. I remembered that detail about their dog. I told them I enjoyed the conversation. I was encouraged when they shared that thing about their job.”
You did the things.
And if you did the things, you can trust that you were AT LEAST a 6 or 7 out of 10.
Maybe you weren’t perfect. Maybe you stumbled over some words. Maybe you told one story that went a bit long.
But you did enough.
And over time, if you keep showing up this way?
You’ll start to IDENTIFY as someone who’s pretty good at conversations.
Someone who’s likable. Engaging. Interesting.
And when you start to identify that way, the negative self-talk gets quieter.
Because you’re not questioning whether you’re likable anymore.
You KNOW you are. Because you have evidence.
The Conversations Where You Actually WERE Awkward
Okay, real talk:
Sometimes you actually ARE awkward.
Sometimes you do say something that comes out wrong. Sometimes you do dominate the conversation with negativity. Sometimes you do break someone’s trust by sharing something they told you in confidence.
And deep down? You know it.
If you walk away from a conversation and you KNOW you broke someone’s trust?
You can’t tell yourself you didn’t.
If you KNOW you dominated with negativity or didn’t ask a single question about the other person?
You know.
And that’s okay.
Because here’s the thing: You’re human.
You’re going to have off days. You’re going to mess up sometimes.
The goal isn’t perfection.
The goal is: Did you do your best? Did you show up with good intentions?
If yes, trust that’s enough.
If no, learn from it and do better next time.
That’s all any of us can do.
What I Want You to Take Away
If you’re someone who lies awake replaying conversations, convinced you were awkward and the other person thinks you’re weird…
Here’s what I need you to know:
1. They Probably Thought It Was Fine
The liking gap is real.
You are systematically underestimating how much they enjoyed talking to you.
They’re probably not lying awake thinking about your awkward moments.
They might be lying awake thinking about THEIR awkward moments.
2. You Can Build Self-Trust
By doing these five things consistently:
- ▪️ Show you’re engaged (verbally or nonverbally)
- ▪️ Be genuinely interested
- ▪️ Search for the good in people
- ▪️ Be positive (but not toxically so)
- ▪️ Offer basic respect from the start
You’ll build evidence that you’re showing up well.
And that evidence will quiet the spiral.
3. You Don’t Have to Be Perfect
You’re going to have awkward conversations. You’re going to say things that come out wrong.
That’s part of being human.
The goal isn’t to never be awkward.
The goal is to trust that your awkwardness doesn’t make you unlikable.
4. For My Neurodivergent Friends: You Don’t Have to Mask
If eye contact is painful, use words.
If smiling on command feels like masking, show enthusiasm in other ways.
If you info-dump when you’re excited, that’s not a bad thing.
Your passion, directness, and honesty are not burdens.
Find people who see that.
5. Start Identifying as Someone Who’s Good at This
If you show up to the gym consistently, you start identifying as an active person.
Same with conversations.
If you consistently show engagement, interest, and respect in your interactions?
You’ll start identifying as someone who’s likable and engaging.
And that identity will change how you feel walking away from conversations.
My Challenge to You
Next time you have a conversation with someone—whether it’s a stranger, an acquaintance, or a friend—try doing these five things:
- Show you’re engaged (however that looks for you)
- Ask follow-up questions and remember details
- Find ONE thing you appreciate about them
- Try to keep the vibe generally positive
- Offer them basic respect from the start
Then, when you walk away, instead of cataloging everything you did “wrong”…
Catalog what you did RIGHT.
“I asked about their dog. I remembered they’re from Ohio. I told them I enjoyed talking. I was encouraging about their new job.”
You did the things.
That’s enough.
And if you find yourself lying awake at 3 am anyway?
Remind yourself of the liking gap.
They probably thought it was fine.
Maybe even good.
You’re being way harder on yourself than they are.
Want to dive deeper into feeling more confident in social situations? Check out Episode 49: Survival Guide for Navigating Small Talk. I break down specific tactics for finding common ground and keeping conversations flowing—even when you’re feeling awkward.
For my neurodivergent friends: Episodes 40 and Episode 144 are specifically about neurodivergent friendships, with guests sharing their experiences and strategies.
Want to understand more about building connection through small moments? Episode 74 is all about “small intimacies”—the tiny ways we open up to people we’re just getting to know.
If you’ve ever replayed a conversation at 3am, this episode is for you. Listen to the full episode for practical ways to break the cycle.
