Here’s something I bet you’ve never thought about: Your friends don’t need you to be everything to them.
In fact, trying to be everything to everyone is probably why your friendships feel so exhausting.
I was talking with Zahara Williams recently. A therapist, author, and someone who’s moved multiple times while maintaining incredibly close friendships, and she said something that made my brain light up:
“We all have our role in the relationship. I think that’s important, not just that we enjoy each other’s company, but we understand the value of the roles and the connection.”
Roles. Not “being a good friend.” Not “showing up perfectly.” But understanding the specific role you play in someone’s life, and the specific roles they play in yours.
And suddenly, so much about friendship made sense.
The Friend Group That Figured Out Roles
Zahara has a group of about 5-6 women who’ve been in each other’s lives for over a decade. They live in Dallas. Zahara doesn’t anymore.
She’s moved from Detroit to Atlanta to Dallas to Houston, collecting meaningful friendships at each stop. But this particular Dallas group? They’ve cracked the code on something most of us struggle with: How do you maintain close friendships when life pulls you in different directions?
Here’s how they do it: Everyone knows their role.
“We have the person that is… one of my friends, we call her the kumbaya person,” Zahara explained. “She wants everybody to get along and just be happy. That is her role.”
Then there’s the gatherer: the one who spearheads activities, who makes sure they actually get together around a fire in the fall or by the pool in summer or for a nice brunch.
And Zahara? She’s the reflective one. The therapist friend who gets the calls when someone needs to vent or process something.
Each person brings something specific. And everyone knows what that something is.
The Moment I Realized I’m “The Momentum”
As Zahara was describing these roles, something clicked for me about my own friendships.
I’ve always known I’m the transparent friend. The one who will tell you the hard truth when you ask for it. The one who’ll say “Yes, you should leave that job” or “That relationship isn’t serving you anymore.”
But I used to feel a little… I don’t know, hurt? Confused? Because people would come to me AFTER they’d already basically made their decision. They’d already talked it through with other friends. They’d already done the processing.
And I’d think: “Why are you even asking me if you’ve already decided?”
But listening to Zahara talk about roles, I finally got it.
I’m not the processing friend. I’m the momentum.
By the time someone comes to me, they know what they need to do. They just need someone to say, “YES, DO IT. Let’s make a plan. I’m so excited for you. When are we packing? When am I visiting?”
I’m the jumpstart. The person who takes their decision and turns it into motion.
And you know what? That’s not a lesser role. That’s not being used. That’s being exactly who my friends need me to be in that specific moment.
Why Understanding Roles Changes Everything
Here’s what hit me during this conversation: Having different friends for different roles actually makes friendship EASIER.
Think about it. When you need a good laugh, you don’t have to generate that energy yourself; you can call your funny friend who always says the most off-the-wall things.
When you need to make a big decision, and you’re spinning in your head about it, you can call your reflective friend who’ll help you process.
When you finally know what you need to do but you’re scared to take action, you can call your momentum friend (hi, that’s me) who’ll get you fired up and moving.
“I lean into different ones for different things,” Zahara told me. And then she listed them:
- The friend who always makes her laugh when she needs it most
- The friend who’s ready to plan a spontaneous trip at a moment’s notice
- The friend whose kids she’s been part of their lives since birth, who keeps her involved in the track meets and soccer games
- The friend who gives her transparent feedback, solicited or not
It’s not that one friend is better than another. It’s that each friend serves a specific, valuable purpose.
And here’s the beautiful part: It relieves the burden of having to generate everything yourself.
When you want to be spontaneous and take a trip, it’s so much easier when you call a friend who immediately says, “YES, when are we leaving?” and matches your energy.
When you need someone to be real with you, it’s easier when you know exactly who to call instead of hoping whoever answers will give you what you need.
In the full episode, Zahara and I go much deeper into how these roles evolved naturally over time, and how understanding them has helped her maintain these friendships even after moving away. If you’re curious about how to identify the roles in your own friendships or how to communicate about them, the conversation will give you so much to think about.
When Distance Tries to Pull You Apart
Okay, so Zahara has this amazing friend group with clear roles. But here’s where it gets real: She’s the only one who doesn’t live in Dallas anymore.
Everyone else is still there. Together. Hanging out. Making plans.
And Zahara is three and a half hours away in Houston.
I asked her how that feels, and her answer was so honest: “It depends on the day.”
Some days, she’s totally fine: focused on work, building her life in Houston, grateful these connections still exist despite the distance.
Other days? It’s hard.
“If you see pictures of them getting together… I’m like, I wish I were there.”
Can we just pause and appreciate that honesty?
Because I think a lot of us pretend long-distance friendships are either totally fine or completely impossible. But the truth is messier. Some days you’re grateful for the distance and your own space, and other days you’d give anything to be at that spontaneous happy hour.
How They Actually Maintain Connection
Here’s what I love about Zahara and her friends: They’re not doing anything revolutionary. They’re just being incredibly intentional about small, consistent actions.
They schedule trips together. Cancun. Puerto Rico. Someone mentioned Dubai. These aren’t just “we should totally do that someday” conversations. They actually book the trips and show up.
They make the drive. Zahara goes back to Dallas every couple of months to “get my good girlfriend time in and get my fill.”
They give advance notice. Instead of the old days of “Hey, come over tonight,” now it’s “I’m having something next month. Can you be there?”
They’ve shifted how they use technology. The phone used to be just for making plans. Now it’s for actual conversations, checking in, asking, “How are things with you?”
They’re honest about their capacity. One of Zahara’s friends always says, “I try because my mind has not been the same since I had these children, but I make a conscious effort to call and check in.”
Notice what’s NOT on this list:
- Daily texting
- Elaborate care packages
- Matching each other’s energy perfectly all the time
- Pretending the distance doesn’t matter
They’re just showing up consistently in small ways, while being honest about when it’s hard.
The Shift That Had to Happen
When you live in the same place as your friends, so much happens organically.
Someone texts: “We’re going to the neighborhood spot Saturday if anyone wants to meet up.”
You show up. While you’re there, someone mentions they’re going to see a movie on Wednesday. You say, “Oh, I’ll come with you.”
Plans make themselves. You see each other regularly without much effort.
But when someone moves away? Everything that used to be organic now requires intention.
“It does take a lot of intention,” Zahara acknowledged. “Being mindful, having those conversations. Sometimes they’ll say, ‘I know you’ll be here next weekend, but I’m having something next week.’ And I’m like, ‘Well, that’s a lot.’”
She laughed, but it’s real. A three-and-a-half-hour drive isn’t the same as a thirty-minute drive. Coordinating weekends isn’t the same as last-minute plans.
The friendships that survive distance are the ones where everyone acknowledges this shift and adjusts accordingly.
What Role Has Distance Changed?
I asked Zahara if her role in the group has shifted since she moved, and her answer was really thoughtful:
“I can see it changing. I’m the reflective one… I do get those calls. But I do believe that because I’m not physically there and we were never big phone people… I can definitely see that shifting.”
This is important: Distance doesn’t just test whether friendships survive. It sometimes changes the roles we play.
The friend who used to be the party planner might become the long-distance cheerleader. The friend who was always there for in-person venting sessions might become the voice memo processor.
Your role might evolve. And that’s okay, as long as everyone’s aware of it and talking about it.
The key is making sure you’re still showing up in SOME role that feels authentic to you and valuable to them.
When Your Tank Is Empty, But Your Friend Needs You
Here’s a question I knew people would want answered: What happens when you can’t show up in your usual role? When your plate is full, and you’ve got nothing left to give?
Zahara’s approach is beautifully balanced:
“There are times when I know that I’m overwhelmed with life. And when someone has asked me to come and I’m like, oh, I just really don’t feel like it… I take a moment and sit back.”
Sometimes, she honors where she is and says, “I’m gonna have to catch you all next time, because I’m exhausted.”
But other times, she pushes herself: “This is important to them. I’m willing to sacrifice a little bit of time and energy. Maybe I won’t stay the entire time, but I’m going to at least show up.”
And here’s what she’s learned: “Those are usually the times I end up staying longer than I anticipate. Because I’m like, oh, I got caught up. And maybe this is actually what I needed.”
Sometimes we don’t need to shut ourselves away at home. Sometimes what we need is to be around people who accept us exactly as we are in that moment.
Can you show up in your sweatpants and cry if you need to? Can you order takeout to their house because what they planned for dinner doesn’t sound appealing? Can you leave early if you need to?
If the answer is yes, then showing up might actually be exactly what you need… even when your tank feels empty.
The Roles You Might Be Playing (Without Realizing It)
Listening to Zahara describe her friend group made me think about all the roles that exist in friendships. Here are some I’ve noticed:
The Kumbaya Friend: Wants everyone to get along, smooths over conflicts, creates harmony
The Gatherer: Makes sure people actually get together, plans the activities, sends the invites
The Reflective One: Helps you process, asks good questions, holds space for complexity
The Momentum: Gets you fired up and moving, turns decisions into action
The Transparent One: Tells you the hard truths, gives it to you straight
The Comedian: Makes you laugh when you need it most, lightens heavy moments
The Spontaneous One: Down for last-minute adventures, brings excitement
The Nurturer: Remembers the details, checks in consistently, makes you feel seen
The Connector: Introduces people, builds community, expands your circle
You might play different roles with different friends. You might play multiple roles with the same friend. The point isn’t to put yourself in a box. It’s to get clear on what you naturally bring to your friendships and what you naturally seek from them.
How to Actually Figure Out Your Roles
Okay, so this all sounds great in theory. But how do you actually identify these roles in your own friendships?
Here’s what I suggest:
Go for a walk and let your mind wander. Think about the different people in your life. When do you call each person? What do you need from them?
Need a laugh? Who do you call?
Need to process something complex? Who do you call?
Need someone to hype you up? Who do you call?
Need brutal honesty? Who do you call?
Then flip it: What role do YOU typically play?
Do friends come to you when they need a laugh? When they need processing? When they need momentum? When they need nurturing?
Ask yourself: Do I like the roles I’m playing?
This one’s crucial. Sometimes we get trapped in roles we didn’t choose or don’t enjoy. Maybe you used to love being the party planner, but now it feels like a burden. Maybe you’re always the therapist friend, and you’re exhausted.
If a role doesn’t feel right anymore, that’s information. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad friend. It means you’ve grown or changed, or your capacity has shifted. And that’s a moment for vulnerability and honesty with your friends.
Start voicing the roles you WANT to play.
This doesn’t have to be a big, serious conversation. It can be as simple as saying: “Anytime you’re having a bad day and need a laugh, just call me.”
Say it repeatedly. Offer it. Throw it out there. Over time, your friends will start to think of you for these roles.
The full episode goes even deeper into this reflection process, and Zahara shares how these roles evolved naturally in her group over ten years. If you’re thinking, “but HOW do I actually talk about this with my friends without it being weird,” the conversation will help you see how organic it can be.
What Happens When You DON’T Understand Roles
Here’s the thing: Whether you’re aware of it or not, roles exist in your friendships.
But when you’re NOT aware of them, problems happen:
You call the wrong friend for the wrong thing and feel disappointed when they don’t give you what you need.
You try to be everything to everyone and burn out.
You resent a friend for always coming to you with problems, but you’ve never told them you need a break from that role.
You feel guilty for not being “better” at something that was never your strength anyway.
You compare yourself to other friends and feel like you’re failing because you’re not as nurturing/funny/organized as they are.
Understanding roles doesn’t create limitations. It creates clarity.
It helps you stop trying to be someone you’re not. It helps you appreciate what each friend brings, rather than expecting them all to bring everything. It helps you communicate about what you need and what you can offer.
The Journey Takes Time (And That’s Okay)
One thing Zahara emphasized that I think is so important: This didn’t happen overnight.
“I didn’t meet them all at the same time,” she told me. “It wasn’t like you just jump in and you meet these five group of amazing women and we’re all just immediately close.”
Someone introduced her to someone else. Another friend brought one of their friends in. Over time, she found herself with this group of women, whom she genuinely enjoys.
And those roles? They emerged naturally over ten years of showing up for each other, learning each other’s strengths, and figuring out who to call for what.
If you’re just starting to build your friend group, or if you’re working on deepening existing friendships, remember: You’re getting the ten-years-down-the-road version in this article.
Zahara and her friends navigated weird, awkward conversations. They made assumptions about roles that were wrong. They learned and adjusted.
You will too. And that’s not a bug. It’s a feature. The journey of befriending someone, of figuring out how you fit in each other’s lives, is what makes the friendship rich.
For Anyone Who Struggles to Trust Women
I asked Zahara what she’d say to someone who finds all of this impossible. Someone who believes it’s hard to connect with women, hard to trust a friend group.
Her answer was direct and compassionate:
“Let go of that idea.”
“Even if you’ve had that problem or that challenge in the past, that was those circumstances, that was those people. That does not mean it has to be indicative of what your path will be moving forward.”
She also said something that made me pause: “Sometimes we’ve got to look at ourselves. Why is it so hard for me? If I’m having these repetitive things happen… do the work that it takes you to heal and work through that.”
This isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness.
If you keep having the same friendship problems with different people, that’s information. Maybe there’s a pattern you’re bringing. Maybe there’s healing work to do.
And here’s the beautiful part: You can do that work. You can change the pattern. You can build something different.
Where to Actually Meet People (If You’re Starting From Scratch)
Zahara had some practical advice for people who want to build these kinds of friendships but don’t know where to start:
Go to events you like. Sometimes alone.
“There are a lot of people who miss out on things because, ‘Oh, there’s nobody to go with.’ Well, you can meet somebody there. And you already have something in common because you both showed up to the same event.”
Use technology as a starting point, but don’t stop there.
Join online groups around your interests. Comment. Actually, DM people. If there’s an in-person event related to that group, GO.
“You’re like, oh, this sounds interesting. I’m going by myself, I don’t know people, but I’ve seen some familiar faces. Maybe I’ll even say, ‘Hey, I’m heading to this event, who wants to meet me there?’”
Step outside your comfort zone.
“If you say something enough, ‘it’s hard to trust women,’ then it’s going to be hard to trust women, because now you’re believing that, you’re looking for things wrong.”
Instead, look for connections. Look for similarities. Look for ways you can be supportive of each other.
The Authenticity That Makes It All Work
As we were wrapping up, Zahara said something that felt like the perfect summary:
“Be your authentic self. Authenticity always wins. People who are meant to walk this life or this journey or the season with you will appreciate and love you just for who you are.”
And I think that’s what all of this comes back to.
Understanding your role isn’t about limiting yourself. It’s about being honest about who you actually are and what you naturally bring.
Leaning into specific roles isn’t about being one-dimensional. It’s about honoring your strengths instead of exhausting yourself trying to be everything.
Building friendships across distance isn’t about pretending it’s easy. It’s about being honest about the hard parts while showing up consistently in the ways that matter.
The magic happens when you combine clear intention about the roles you play in each other’s lives with small, consistent actions that honor those roles.
That’s it. That’s the secret.
Not grand gestures. Not perfect availability. Not being everything to everyone.
Just knowing who you are to your friends, knowing who they are to you, and showing up in those specific ways, even when it’s hard, even across the miles, even when your tank is running low.
Want to hear the full conversation about friendship roles and maintaining connection across distance? Listen to my episode with Zahara Williams on the Friendship IRL podcast, and make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss future conversations. You can also check out Zahara’s book, The After Betrayal Workbook, and connect with her on social media, all linked in the show notes.
