The holidays used to give me panic attacks.
I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s true. My family situation wasn’t great, and every December felt like I was supposed to be excited about something that actually filled me with dread. I’d spend weeks trying to figure out how to navigate family dynamics, feeling guilty about not wanting to go “home,” and wondering why everyone else seemed to love this season so much.
Then I discovered something that changed everything: I started spending holidays with friends instead.
Now, before you think I’m some anti-family holiday rebel, let me be clear – if you love your family traditions and they bring you joy, that’s beautiful. Keep doing that. But if you’re someone who feels overwhelmed, lonely, or stressed during the holidays despite being surrounded by people, or if you’re looking for ways to create more meaningful connections during this season, this is for you.
Because here’s what I’ve learned: The holiday season is supposed to be about connecting with people you love. And that can extend far beyond traditional family gatherings.
The Problem with Holiday “Shoulds”
The holiday season comes with so many unspoken rules. You should be excited about family gatherings. You should participate in gift exchanges. You should host elaborate parties. You should say yes to every invitation.
But what if some of these “shoulds” don’t actually serve you? What if they’re adding stress instead of joy?
I spent years trying to subtly hint that I needed somewhere to go for the holidays, casually asking friends about their plans, hoping they’d invite me along. I was too embarrassed to just say what I really meant: “I don’t want to go home for the holidays. Can I come with you instead?”
When I finally got honest about my situation, everything changed. Now I love the holidays, and this year we had six or seven different places we could go. I went from having nowhere that felt good to having endless options.
Five Ways to Connect with Friends This Holiday Season
1. Add Something That Matches Your Strengths
If you’re going to add anything to your already busy holiday schedule, make it something you’re naturally good at and enjoy.
Love to cook? Organize a cookie exchange or start a virtual recipe swap in your friend group.
Great at gift-giving? Offer to brainstorm presents with friends who struggle with this, or create a text chain for gift ideas.
Movie buff? Share your must-watch holiday movie list (though my husband would tell you nobody wants my movie recommendations).
The key is to add something that energizes you rather than drains you. And if you’re adding something new, you probably need to opt out of something else. Which brings me to…
The Third Option Strategy:
When faced with holiday invitations or traditions that feel burdensome, remember you don’t just have “yes” or “no” as options.
For example, if friends want to do a gift exchange but gift-giving stresses you out, you could say: “I’m not great at picking gifts, but what if I host at my house? That can be my contribution while everyone else does the exchange.” Or suggest donating to charity or adopting a family together instead.
2. Create New Traditions (Or Update Old Ones)
This time of year is overflowing with traditions, which means it’s the perfect time to check in: Are your current traditions still serving you and your friend group?
Maybe people have aged out of certain activities. Maybe what used to feel fun now feels obligatory. How can you modify existing traditions or create new ones?
Here’s why I love friend traditions during the holidays: They save you time and create dependability. After the first year or two, everyone knows when and where it’s happening. No endless group texts trying to coordinate schedules.
Three formats for creating traditions:
Pick it all: Choose both a date and activity. “Gingerbread house decorating on the first Saturday of December, every year.” People can plan around it and anticipate it.
Pick a date: “Every year on the first Saturday of December, we’ll do some holiday activity together.” The activity can change, but the date is consistent.
Create a series: “Our house will have holiday movie nights every Sunday in December at 7pm. Drop by whenever you can.” This creates flexibility while maintaining consistency.
The beautiful thing about traditions is that over time, they create nostalgia. You’ll remember who was there five years ago, what funny things happened, how the tradition has evolved. You’re literally creating shared memories and strengthening your friendships.
3. Do “The Necessary” Together
The holidays involve a lot of work behind the scenes. But you don’t have to do it alone.
Maybe you don’t have capacity to host a holiday party this year, but that doesn’t mean you can’t spend time with friends. Text your group: “I’d love to tackle our holiday shopping together this weekend. Who’s in?”
Other ideas:
- Wrapping party: “I have all the supplies – bring your gifts and we’ll wrap everything together while listening to holiday music.”
- Holiday meal planning thread: Share recipes, coordinate who’s bringing what, troubleshoot cooking questions.
- Virtual shopping session: FaceTime while you both tackle your online shopping lists.
You’re crossing items off your to-do list while spending quality time with people you care about. It’s efficient and fun.
4. Give Back Together
Coordinate with your friend group to volunteer or give back during the season. This could be adopting a family together, choosing a charity to support, or finding a volunteer opportunity you can do as a group.
This serves multiple purposes: you’re making a positive impact, you’re spending meaningful time together, and you’re creating the kind of memories that feel truly significant.
5. Spend the Actual Holiday Together
This is the big one, and it’s where I want to be really honest with you.
If you don’t have somewhere that feels good to go for the holidays – whether that’s because of family dynamics, geography, finances, or any other reason – it’s okay to spend the day with friends instead.
If you’re someone who has a great holiday situation and space to share, consider opening your door to friends who might need somewhere to go. You don’t even need to ask a lot of questions about why they need somewhere to go. Just offer.
Ways to make this work:
Full day inclusion: Invite someone to join your entire holiday celebration.
Before and after options: Even if you can’t include someone for the whole day, consider inviting them for breakfast to start the holiday on a positive note, or for evening dessert to end the day well.
Create your own celebration: Start a “Friendsgiving” style tradition for the actual holiday with other friends who want to opt out of family obligations.
I used to be hesitant about being honest that I spend holidays with friends. But you know what? Feeling good, not having panic attacks, and being happy matters so much more than any stigma about whether you’re with family on holidays.
The Support That Looks Like Fun
One thing we don’t talk about enough when it comes to friendship support is that sometimes support looks like fun. Sometimes the way someone supports you is by bringing laughter, joy, nostalgia, and magic into your life.
During a season that can feel heavy with obligations and expectations, having friends who prioritize fun and connection can be exactly the support you need.
Making It Happen
Here’s the thing about the holiday season: it’s going to fly by whether you’re intentional about it or not. You can get swept up in saying yes to everything, doing the same things you’ve always done, and then wake up in January wondering where the time went.
Or you can take a step back and ask yourself: How do I actually want to spend this time? What kind of memories do I want to create? Who are the people I want to connect with?
Maybe your to-do list is already full. That’s okay. Maybe tackle that to-do list with people you care about. Maybe modify one tradition to better serve your current life. Maybe create one small new ritual with friends.
The holiday season is supposed to be about connecting with people you love. If we can remove some of the “shoulds” and barriers, we can use this time in more intentional, meaningful ways.
And that, to me, is what really matters.
Your Next Step
Look at your holiday calendar right now. What feels energizing? What feels draining? What’s one small way you could include friends in your holiday season – whether that’s tackling your shopping together, starting a simple tradition, or just being honest about what kind of support you need?
Remember: the people who matter most want you to feel good during the holidays. If spending time with friends helps you do that, they’ll understand.
What’s one holiday “should” you’d like to let go of this year? And what’s one way you’d like to connect with friends during the season?
