What if I told you that as a parent, you’re not just managing your own social life – you’re actually juggling four different sets of friendships and community needs?
That’s exactly what my friend Adrienne discovered when her daughter started kindergarten and suddenly had her own social circle. As she put it: “Each person has friends that fill certain needs… times four. It’s one thing when it’s you and your partner, and you can each go out and get what you need from your friends. But then you also need to manage your kids’ needs and friendship schedules as well.”
If you’re a parent feeling overwhelmed by trying to navigate not just your own social connections but also facilitating your children’s relationships while building a support system for your family, this conversation is for you.
The Four-Way Friendship Juggle
Here’s what most people don’t realize about parenting: You’re not just responsible for your own social wellness. You’re managing:
- Your friendships and community needs
- Your partner’s friendships and community needs
- Your first child’s social relationships and playdates
- Your second child’s completely different social needs and friendships
And here’s the kicker – each person needs different types of connection. As Adrienne explained, “Play is different for each person. So if you don’t find joy in the activity you’re doing with your kid, then you’re not filling your bucket, you’re only filling theirs. But you can’t do that for every single one of their needs.”
A six-year-old’s idea of play is fundamentally different from a four-year-old’s. Your four-year-old can’t fully participate in the school-based friendships your six-year-old has because they don’t share those experiences. They don’t know the same teachers, classmates, or inside jokes from recess.
This is why Adrienne started implementing a “buddy system” for birthday parties – ensuring each child has a friend their own age so no one gets left out of age-appropriate play.
Why the “Kids First” Approach Doesn’t Work
When Adrienne first started building community for her family, she did what most parents do: she prioritized her children’s friendships and tried to build relationships with other parents through their kids’ connections.
The result? Painful playdates where she’d sit for an hour with parents she had nothing in common with, struggling to make conversation beyond their children. (Want more talk about Mom Friends. Listen here.)
“It’s not sustainable to sit there and not be able to enjoy any conversation or not have anything in common while your kids are playing,” she told me. “It does not make you want to do it again.”
Here’s the thing about young children: they’re incredibly adaptable when it comes to play. Most kids can find some common ground with other kids their age. But adults? We need more substantial connection to sustain relationships over time.
The Oxygen Mask Principle
This is where the airplane safety metaphor becomes crucial: The adults in the room need to put on their own oxygen masks first.
Adrienne learned this the hard way when she tried to organize summer childcare sharing with five other families in her neighborhood. She sent out an open invitation for families to bring their kids over on Mondays and Wednesdays – parents could work while kids played in the backyard.
Almost no one showed up.
Why? Because she hadn’t done the groundwork of building relationships with the adults first. She was asking people to jump into a community-minded arrangement without establishing the foundation of mutual connection and trust.
The Community Conversation That Changes Everything
After that failed experiment, Adrienne developed what she calls “the community conversation” – and it’s been a game-changer.
Here’s how she approaches it now:
She starts with vulnerability: “We don’t have a lot of support around us. We explored moving to at least 10 other cities to be closer to family, but we love it here too much to leave. That leaves us without traditional family support.”
She gets specific about needs: “We’re looking for families we can rely on in a more familial way. If I’m stuck in traffic and can’t get to the bus stop pickup, I need to be able to make a phone call and know someone can stand with my daughter until I get there.”
She makes it mutual: “It doesn’t always have to be something you pay for. If you can do that for another family, they can do that for you.”
The response? “I see the light bulb go on. Then they’re like, ‘Yeah, I need that too.’ And then the community aspect flows much easier.”
Small Intimacies Build Big Support Systems
One of the most powerful things Adrienne does is offer what I call “small intimacies” – low-stakes ways of letting people into her real life.
When another parent comes over for a spontaneous playdate, there’s no expectation of a perfectly clean house or elaborate snacks. It’s just “Can I get you a cup of coffee or some water?” while the kids play in the yard.
This approach serves two purposes:
- It shows you’re human – you don’t have to perform perfection
- It gives others permission to do the same – they can invite you over when their house isn’t perfect either
These small moments of vulnerability make it much easier when you need to make that emergency call: “Can you please get to the bus stop? I can’t make it on time.” If someone has already seen you in your everyday, imperfect reality, asking for help doesn’t feel as scary.
Finding Your Shared Interests (Not Just Your Kids’ Friends)
The breakthrough moment for Adrienne came when she met another parent who also loves paddleboarding. Suddenly, instead of sitting through awkward playdates, she had found someone she could do an activity with that she genuinely enjoyed – and their kids could come along.
“That is a much more sustainable adult and family friendship,” she explained. “Now next summer, that’s something we could try together. It gives our kids a chance to play together, and it gives the other parent and me a chance to do something we love.”
The paddleboarding takes pressure off the relationship (because it’s a shared experience root!). Even if conversation is awkward, they’re still getting out on the water, still doing something they enjoy, still giving their kids a fun experience. And if conversation flows naturally, they might discover other shared interests.
The Childless Friends Who Become Family
Some of Adrienne’s strongest family support comes from friends without children of their own. One friend, whose daughter is now in college, is planning weekend sleepovers with Adrienne’s kids – baking cookies, rollerblading, doing all the activities she misses from when her own daughter was young.
Another friend spent an entire day driving an hour away to disassemble a swing set, transport it in two cars, and reassemble it in Adrienne’s backyard – not because she loves childcare, but because she loves helping her friends.
“Being part of a family’s community doesn’t always mean watching kids,” Adrienne points out. “It can involve taking apart a swing set or being an emergency contact.”
The key is having the conversation about how people want to be involved and what kind of support they’re able and excited to offer.
Why This Models Everything for Your Kids
Here’s something most parents don’t realize: Your children are watching how you navigate relationships. They’re learning from your example whether adults can depend on each other, whether it’s normal to ask for help, whether friendships are a priority.
Many adults today tell me they never saw their parents have close friendships. Their parents might have been part of a church or workplace community, but they rarely saw those relationships extend into their home life or family decisions.
“I think most kids can find some common ground for play,” Adrienne observed. “They seem more malleable in what play is for them. But prioritizing the adult relationships, especially when you have so little time, means making really intentional choices.”
When you invest in your own friendships and community, you’re teaching your children:
- That relationships require effort and intention
- That it’s normal and healthy to depend on people outside your immediate family
- That adults can have fun, meaningful friendships
- That community support is something you both give and receive
The Advanced Community Building Reality
What Adrienne is doing is what I consider advanced community building. She’s not just trying to make friends for herself – she’s strategically building a support network that serves her entire family’s needs.
It’s slow work. It requires vulnerability. It means having conversations that many people aren’t ready for yet.
But the alternative – trying to manage everything on your own, always being one traffic jam away from disaster, never having backup plans that don’t involve paying someone – is exhausting and unsustainable.
Your Next Steps
If you’re a parent feeling overwhelmed by the social management of family life, here’s where to start:
Focus on your own friendships first. Find other adults you genuinely enjoy spending time with. Look for shared interests beyond just having children of similar ages.
Have the community conversation. Be honest about what kind of support you’re looking for and what you’re able to offer in return.
Start small. Maybe it’s just being backup emergency contacts for each other. Maybe it’s spontaneous backyard playdates with coffee for the adults.
Embrace small intimacies. Let people see your real, imperfect life. It gives them permission to do the same and builds the foundation for deeper support.
Think beyond childcare. Community support can look like helping with errands, being available for emergencies, sharing resources, or just being another caring adult in your child’s life.
The Bottom Line
Your children don’t need you to sacrifice your own social wellness for theirs. In fact, they need the opposite.
They need to see you building meaningful relationships, depending on community, and modeling what healthy adult friendships look like.
When you put your own oxygen mask on first – when you prioritize building the adult relationships that sustain you – you’re not being selfish. You’re giving your children the gift of seeing what’s possible when adults invest in each other.
And you’re building the support system that will help your whole family thrive, not just survive, the beautiful chaos of raising children.
What kind of support do you most need as a parent right now? And what’s one small step you could take this week toward building that community?
