“Whilst I was growing up, especially through my teens, 20s, and 30s, I was very much playing a role to fit in with a group of people. And I thought that was friendship. And I thought that what was occurring was quite normal. But on reflection, I can see that I was making myself smaller. I was exhausting myself in situations that should have been uplifting.”
When my recent podcast guest Sadie Tichelaar shared this with me, I felt it in my bones.
Here’s the thing that nobody talks about: Most of us are performing friendship instead of actually experiencing it.
The Exhausting Performance of “Fitting In”
Let me paint you a picture. You’re with a group of friends, and someone starts venting about their day. Your natural instinct is to share a similar story – not to make it about you, but to show you understand, to create connection through shared experience.
But then that voice in your head kicks in: “That’s not how you’re supposed to respond. You need to say ‘That must have been really hard for you’ and keep it focused on them.”
So you catch yourself mid-sentence, switch gears, and deliver the “correct” response. You go home feeling… off. Like you failed some invisible friendship test.
Sound familiar?
This was my reality for decades. I’d built up this elaborate catalog of scripts – little rulebooks for how to act in different social situations. When someone says this, you respond with that. When you’re in this type of group, follow these rules. When you’re with those people, be this version of yourself.
In the full episode, Sadie and I dive deep into how these scripts develop and why they’re so exhausting to maintain. Her insights about masking and performing in friendships really opened my eyes to how many of us are doing this without even realizing it.
The Hidden Cost of Playing Friendship Roles
Here’s what Sadie realized after years of trying to fit into a friend group where she never quite belonged:
“The whole idea of having friendships is to have connections and to be seen and to feel valued and reciprocate those connections. Yet the whole time, we’re putting all these barriers and layers in and not even realizing it. Valuing ‘I need to act a certain way to fit in,’ rather than, ‘How can I be myself and find the people that I can belong with, because we’ll all be having an allowance for everyone being their slightly weird, awkward, wonderful, messy selves.’”
This hit me like a freight train.
How many of us are exhausting ourselves trying to be the “right” kind of friend instead of just… being ourselves and finding people who actually like that version of us?
Sadie described feeling like she had to pregame social events with wine just to cope with the energy drain of constantly performing. She was making excuses, dreading hangouts that should have been fun, and putting all the blame on herself when she felt left out.
But here’s the kicker – these weren’t bad people. They just weren’t her people.
The Friendship Energy Audit You Need to Do
Right now, I want you to think about your last few social interactions. Which ones left you feeling energized and which ones left you feeling drained?
If you’re like most people, you’ve probably accepted that feeling exhausted after social time is just… normal. That maybe you’re an introvert, or you’re just not good at this friendship thing.
But what if that’s not true? What if you’re just spending time with people who require you to be a smaller, edited version of yourself?
The complete episode explores this concept in so much more detail, including how this shows up differently for neurodivergent people, but really affects all of us who’ve learned to mask parts of ourselves to fit in.
Enter the Strawberry Friends Framework
This is where everything changes. Sadie introduced me to this concept from Dr. Devon Price’s book “Unmasking Autism,” and it’s completely revolutionized how I think about friendship.
Strawberry friends are the people you put a little strawberry emoji next to in your contacts – the ones who bring out the best in you without you having to try.
Here’s how you identify them:
They don’t make you feel forced to spend time with them
There’s no guilt, no obligation, no walking on eggshells. When they invite you to something and you can’t make it, you can say so without a elaborate excuse or fear of judgment.
You don’t need their approval
You can share an opinion, make a decision, or even make a mistake without scanning their face for signs of disappointment. They like you as you are, not as who you think you should be.
They energize rather than drain you
After spending time with them, you feel more like yourself, not less. You’re not exhausted from monitoring your words or behavior.
You can be unfiltered
No scripts, no careful editing, no performing. Your weird tangents, your random interests, your authentic reactions – they’re all welcome here.
The connection has depth
You’re not just talking about surface-level stuff. There’s real curiosity about each other’s inner worlds.
When I first heard this framework, I immediately started mentally going through my friend list. And you know what? The people who came to mind as strawberry friends were exactly the relationships that felt most authentic and nourishing.
The Permission Slip We All Need
Here’s what’s beautiful about this framework – it’s not just for neurodivergent people (though Sadie’s late autism diagnosis at 45 sparked her journey to this realization). We’re all performing to some degree.
Think about it: How often do you edit yourself because you think that’s what good friendship requires? How often do you say yes to things you don’t want to do because that’s what a good friend “should” do?
What if instead of trying to be the perfect friend to everyone, you focused on being your authentic self and finding people who genuinely appreciate that version of you?
In our full conversation, Sadie shares how she rebuilt her entire social circle around this principle, and the relief and joy she found in relationships where she could finally drop the mask.
Your Strawberry Friends Action Plan
Step 1: Make the list
Actually write down the names of people who meet those strawberry friends criteria. Don’t overthink it – go with your gut about who feels energizing versus draining.
Step 2: Prioritize intentionally
When you’re feeling lonely or craving connection, reach out to someone on your strawberry list instead of just texting whoever contacted you last or whoever you feel guilty about not talking to.
Step 3: Notice the patterns
What qualities do your strawberry friends share? How do they communicate? What do your interactions look like? This will help you recognize these qualities in new people you meet.
Step 4: Give yourself permission to step back
From the relationships that consistently leave you feeling smaller, more anxious, or exhausted. You don’t have to dramatically end friendships, but you can redirect your energy toward connections that actually nourish you.
What This Makes Possible
When Sadie started prioritizing her strawberry friends, something amazing happened. She stopped dreading social plans. She stopped needing wine to cope with friend hangouts. She found herself in conversations that energized rather than drained her.
Most importantly, she gave herself permission to be authentically, messily, wonderfully herself.
And here’s the thing – when you stop performing friendship and start actually experiencing it, you create space for others to do the same. You become someone else’s strawberry friend by showing them it’s safe to be real.
The Ripple Effect
This framework isn’t about being exclusive or dismissive of people who are different from you. It’s about recognizing that not every relationship needs to be everything, and some relationships are worth prioritizing because of how they allow you to show up in the world.
When you’re getting your connection needs met by people who truly see and appreciate you, you have more capacity to be patient and kind in other relationships. You stop desperately trying to force depth and authenticity in places where it doesn’t naturally exist.
The full episode goes so much deeper into how this plays out practically, including how Sadie navigated letting go of longtime friendships that weren’t serving her and how to have these conversations with existing friends.
Your Turn
So here’s my question for you: Who are your strawberry friends?
Take out your phone right now and scroll through your contacts. Whose name makes you smile when you see it pop up? Who can you text without crafting the perfect message? Who leaves you feeling more like yourself after you spend time together?
Write those names down. Put actual strawberry emojis next to them if you want.
That’s your starting point for building a social life that actually energizes instead of exhausts you.
And if your list feels shorter than you’d like? That’s information, not a judgment. It means you get to be intentional about seeking out and nurturing the kinds of connections that allow you to be authentically, beautifully yourself.
Because here’s what I know for sure: You don’t have to perform friendship. You get to experience it.
Ready to dive deeper into this conversation? Listen to the full episode with Sadie where we explore the nuances of neurodiversity and friendship, how to navigate the grief of realizing some relationships weren’t serving you, and practical strategies for building authentic connections. Plus, if you’re someone who’s ever felt like you have to work harder than everyone else to maintain friendships, this conversation will feel like the biggest permission slip you’ve ever received.
And if this framework resonates with you, I’d love to hear about it. Who made your strawberry friends list? What did you notice about the patterns in those relationships? Hit reply and tell me – your insights might be exactly what someone else needs to hear.
Want more conversations that dig into the real nuances of friendship and connection? Subscribe to the Friendship IRL podcast and join a community of people who believe relationships are worth the deeper dive.
