Let’s get real about something nobody wants to admit: We’re all walking around pretending adult friendships just… happen naturally.
But here’s the truth – they don’t.
You know what does happen naturally? Scrolling through social media for hours, feeling “connected” to people you’ve never actually met while your actual friends wonder why you never have time to hang out.
You know what else happens naturally? Society telling you that investing time and energy in friendships past your mid-twenties is somehow… immature. Shouldn’t you be focusing on your career? Finding a romantic partner? Moving closer to family for when (not if) you have kids?
Here’s my hot take: The entire cultural narrative around adult friendship is broken.
It assumes that deep, supportive friendships are something you should naturally outgrow. That chosen family isn’t as “real” as biological family. That community is nice-to-have, not essential for survival.
But what if I told you that’s actually the least strategic way you could approach your relationships?
I’ve been there. I’ve lived the alternative. And I can tell you from firsthand experience – when you have no other choice, you get creative. You put yourself out there. You take risks. You think about relationships differently than most people do.
My mom passed away when I was 13. My brother and sister were 3 and 5. A lot of raising them fell on me, and I just… didn’t tell anybody about that. I pretended I was a normal kid, but I went home to stresses I wasn’t sharing with anyone [ More about my story in this podcast episode and here in my founder’s story].
Without realizing it, I started building something different. In high school, I leaned into friendships as my respite. In college, I created a broader support system. For the first time in my life, I had people who showed up for me when I needed them – people I didn’t have to take care of first.
Today, in my thirties, when my friends and I tell people about our experiences – the group trips we take, the level of support, the ways we show up for each other – people look at us like we’ve completely lost it.
“Nobody has that as an adult,” they say.
But we do. And it’s real. And it didn’t happen by accident.
Here’s what I learned from accidentally creating a support system unlike any other: There are five fundamental mindset shifts you need to make if you want to build the kind of adult friendships that actually sustain you.
1. Accept That Prioritizing Friendship Is Counterculture (And Do It Anyway)
Here’s something nobody prepared me for: People will question you.
They’ll question how you spend your time, how you use your resources, and why you’re prioritizing friendships with your attention. Especially if you’re in your late twenties or older.
I’m a married woman, and people tell me all the time, “That should be enough. Just have some kids, you’ll be fine.” Our culture prioritizes that American dream lifestyle – get married, have 2.5 kids, live in the suburbs. It doesn’t prioritize community involvement, connecting with people around you, or creating a diverse support system.
But here’s the thing: when a bunch of our friends moved away a couple years ago – five couples, pretty much back to back – I was devastated. I probably should go back and find the voice memo where I recorded myself crying into my phone.
But then I realized something powerful: “I’m going to be okay. I still have them; I didn’t lose them. Our friendships have just changed. I built this support system once. If I want people who are local to call up and do things with, I can find them. I can build the support system I need.”
Most people can’t say that. Most people can’t confidently say they know how to build community from scratch because they’ve never been forced to think about it strategically.
The rebellion here isn’t just maintaining adult friendships. It’s refusing to accept the cultural narrative that they’re optional.
2. Realize You’re Already Choosing What Matters to You
This one might sting a little, but stay with me.
How you spend your time, how you use your resources, where you direct your attention – that’s already showing what matters to you. Right now. Today.
How many hours a week are you watching TV? How many hours are you scrolling social media? Here’s a question I can’t believe I have to ask: How many people online have you never met but feel like you’re friends with… and yet you feel like you never have time to see your actual friends?
We’re already prioritizing what matters to us daily. And I would venture to say a lot of people are investing their time, resources, and attention in places that, at the end of life, aren’t going to have mattered.
This isn’t about judgment – it’s about awareness. If you say friendship matters to you but you’re spending zero intentional time nurturing those relationships, that’s information. If you say you want deeper community but you’re not taking any small actions to create it, that’s also information.
The good news? Once you see the pattern, you can change it. But you have to be honest about where your energy is actually going right now.
3. Accept That Your Uniqueness Is Deserving of Belonging
Let me say this again, because it’s important: Your uniqueness is deserving of belonging.
People enjoy your company. People want to spend time with you. People think you’re awesome and are interested in the things you have to say. You deserve all the joy and ease and support and adventure and laughs and encouragement and whatever else you need from the people around you.
And you have to accept that to move forward.
This was huge for me. For years, I wasn’t being honest with my friends about what my home life was really like. I thought if they knew the real situation – that I was essentially co-parenting my siblings, that my family situation was complicated – they wouldn’t want me around.
But the wild thing is, the more honest I got with them, the more they started to realize what a role they were playing for me, and the more they started to realize what a role they were playing for each other. It made everybody appreciate these friendships more deeply.
Your story, your struggles, your weird interests, your particular way of seeing the world – those aren’t things to hide or apologize for. They’re exactly what makes you valuable to your community.
You are worthy of having great people in your life. Full stop.
4. Do Less, Ask Less, Expect Less (But Make It Count)
I know this sounds backwards, but hear me out.
I think we’re doing too much in our friendships because we aren’t taking time to reflect on how we’re showing up. We just feel like we “should.” We’re shoulding all over ourselves about what it looks like to be a good friend.
But if you just spent time considering what that specific friend actually needs, and then you did that, you’d probably save a lot of time and energy.
Here’s an example: Let’s say you’re planning your friend’s birthday party. You feel like you “should” throw this big party, right? If they’re asking you to plan something, it should be big and impressive.
But maybe that friend isn’t really a big party person. Maybe what they’d prefer is a small, intimate dinner with two or three people they’re closest to.
If you throw the big party, you’re going to do all this work that isn’t going to hit the mark. It’s not going to be what would be most impactful for them. But if you just took time to consider what would make the most impact, you could actually do less work – because it’s way easier to plan dinner for three people than to plan a big party.
This applies everywhere. A friend losing a grandparent might not need you to organize some big gesture. They might just want you to text them every day saying “I’m thinking of you. No need to respond.” It’s less effort, but it’s more on the mark.
The goal isn’t to do more things for your friends. It’s to do the right things for your friends.
5. Accept That This Stuff Is Going to Be Uncomfortable
Here’s what nobody tells you about building adult friendships: It’s uncomfortable. It just is.
When you start actually looking at your friendships, you realize things are different. Things have changed. The ways you spend time with friends shift with life milestones, moves, career changes. When that happens, it impacts you and your relationships, and now you’re very aware of the change. You’re forced to sit with it and acknowledge that things are different.
Sometimes you might realize you thought you were close to someone, and really… you’re not.
Doing this friendship work is probably going to force you to try new things. Put yourself out there. Experience some rejection. I’d like to say “maybe,” but it’s not maybe – it’s inevitable. You will experience rejection, and you’ll just get used to it.
Sometimes you’ll try something – maybe going to a meetup group, or a friend invites you to her friend’s party – and you’ll be in the middle of it and realize it’s not the right fit for you. That’s okay. But you did it.
I’m not here to tell you it won’t be uncomfortable, because it will be. But here’s what I’ve learned: the discomfort of building authentic community is so much better than the loneliness of not having it.
Your Next Steps
So here’s where we are: You now know that prioritizing friendship is counterculture (and worth doing anyway). You know you’re already showing what matters to you through how you spend your time. You know your uniqueness deserves belonging. You know that doing less but doing it more intentionally is actually more effective. And you know it’s going to be uncomfortable – and that’s normal.
Now what?
Start small. Pick one friendship that matters to you and ask yourself: What does this specific person actually need from me? Not what I think I should do, but what would genuinely serve them?
Then do that thing. Not ten things. One thing. And see what happens.
Because here’s the truth: Community isn’t something that happens to you. It’s something you create, intentionally, over time. And the world needs more people who are willing to be intentional about it.
Your friendships aren’t just nice-to-have social connections. They’re your chosen family. Your support system. Your lifeline when everything else falls apart.
And building them? That’s not immature or selfish or a waste of time. It’s one of the most strategic things you can do for your life.
So let’s stop pretending adult friendships should just happen naturally. Let’s start building them on purpose.
What’s one friendship in your life that could use more intentional attention? I’d love to hear about it – and what small step you might take this week to show up differently for that person.
