Here’s a question your doctor has probably never asked you:
“How much Vitamin J are you getting?”
Vitamin J. As in: Joy. Connection. Time with people who matter to you.
Dr. Zarya Rubin, a Harvard-educated functional medicine physician, asks this question regularly. Because while conventional doctors are measuring your cholesterol, your blood pressure, your weight, and they’re missing something that might be more important than all of those things combined.
Your social connections.
And before you roll your eyes and think “great, another wellness trend,” hear me out. Because the science on this is absolutely wild.
Studies show that lack of connection is equivalent to smoking 20 cigarettes a day. It outweighs exercise and obesity prevention in terms of health impact. And get this: In the Blue Zones (areas of the world where people regularly live past 100), connection has an estimated 15-year swing on life expectancy.
Fifteen. Years.
So why isn’t your doctor prescribing coffee dates alongside your cholesterol medication?
The Health Metric We’re Completely Ignoring
Let me paint you a picture of what’s happening in most doctors’ offices:
You go in for your annual physical. They check your weight, your blood pressure, maybe run some labs. They ask about your diet, your exercise routine, whether you’re sleeping okay.
If something’s off, they might prescribe medication. Or tell you to eat more vegetables, exercise more, lose some weight.
But they almost never ask: How are your relationships? When’s the last time you spent quality time with friends? Do you feel connected to your community?
“It’s not often prescribed or even measured,” Dr. Zarya told me. “What are your social connections? I’m going to write you a prescription: go out on Friday night with your girlfriends and have a glass of red wine, because that’s what they do in some of the Blue Zones, and these folks live past 100.”
She’s not joking. In her functional medicine practice, measuring social connection is as important as measuring blood sugar or thyroid function.
Because here’s what conventional medicine is missing: You can eat all the kale, do all the exercise, and optimize your sleep environment, but if you’re lonely and disconnected, your health is still going to suffer.
What Functional Medicine Understands (That Conventional Medicine Doesn’t)
Before we go further, let me explain what functional medicine actually is, because not everyone knows.
Functional medicine is a holistic branch of medicine that looks at the WHOLE person: not just physical symptoms, but emotional health, diet, lifestyle, stressors, work, relationships, and how it all fits together to create either illness or wellness.
Instead of just prescribing something to mask symptoms, functional medicine doctors try to get to the root cause. They ask: WHY is this happening to this particular person at this particular time?
I know this firsthand because I see a functional medicine doctor. And I’m going to get vulnerable with you for a second about why.
My ACE score is a 7.
(For those who don’t know, ACE stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences: it’s a score that measures childhood trauma and is a strong predictor of health outcomes in adulthood, both psychological AND physiological.)
For years, I went to conventional doctors with headaches, migraines, gut problems: a whole constellation of issues. Each doctor would treat each symptom individually. I’d get some relief, but nothing ever really went away.
I finally realized: I need someone who will look at ALL of these things and see where they overlap. Someone who will take my past into consideration.
Because here’s what I’ve learned: When you grow up in a high-stress situation, when your cortisol levels are elevated for years, there’s a physiological component to that. Your body remembers. And now, even though I’ve done all the therapy, built a great support system, created a stable life, I’m still unwinding the physical impacts of that chronic stress.
Connection and stress are intimately linked. And they both have massive impacts on our physical health.
In the full episode, Dr. Zarya and I go much deeper into the mind-body connection and how chronic stress impacts everything from inflammation to autoimmune conditions. If you’ve been doing “everything right” health-wise but still struggling, this conversation might help you see what’s missing.
The Science That Should Change Everything
Okay, let’s get into the actual research, because this is where it gets really interesting.
The Cigarette Comparison
Multiple longitudinal studies and meta-analyses have found that lack of social connection has a similar health impact to smoking 20 cigarettes a day.
Read that again. Being lonely and disconnected is as bad for your health as being a pack-a-day smoker.
It Outweighs Exercise and Obesity
In terms of protective factors for health, social connection outweighs things like exercise and obesity prevention.
Dr. Zarya put it perfectly: “These things are constantly being pounded into our heads: you have to exercise, you have to lose weight, it’s really important for your health. And of course those things ARE important. But connection is actually MORE important than these other measures.”
The 15-Year Life Expectancy Swing
If you’ve watched the Netflix documentary “Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones” (and if you haven’t, stop reading and go watch it), you know that the biggest commonality among areas where people regularly live past 100 isn’t diet or exercise.
It’s connection.
Strong social ties, community involvement, regular interaction with friends and family: these are the factors that show up again and again in the longest-lived populations on earth.
The estimated impact? Fifteen years of life expectancy.
But Wait, There’s More
Studies have also shown:
- ▪️ College students who entered during the pandemic (without normal social support systems) had skyrocketing rates of depression and anxiety
- ▪️ Even casual acquaintances and “loose ties” provide measurable health benefits
- ▪️ Singing in choirs specifically protects against depression and Alzheimer’s (we don’t fully understand why, but the data is clear)
- ▪️ Regular social interaction reduces inflammation, supports immune function, and helps regulate stress hormones
So why aren’t we treating connection like the health priority it clearly is?
The Story of the Hot Dog Guy (And Why Loose Ties Matter)
Here’s a study that Dr. Zarya told me about that I can’t stop thinking about:
A researcher at University of Toronto was working on her PhD thesis. Every day, she’d see the same hot dog vendor and chat with him. Just casual conversation, nothing deep or profound.
But she got SO MUCH out of that connection (that sense of recognition, that familiarity) that she ended up focusing her entire research on what she called “loose ties.”
Loose ties are connections that aren’t super deep or intimate, but still provide recognition and familiarity.
The barista at your regular coffee shop. Your neighbors. The people you see at the dog park. The checkout person at the grocery store.
We tend to think that only deep, intimate friendships “count.” But the research shows that these looser connections matter too.
“Even casual acquaintances can provide benefit,” Dr. Zarya explained. “It’s that recognition, that familiarity. You go to your local coffee shop and you see folks there.”
She told me about making friends at her local coffee shop pre-pandemic. Just regular people she’d see and chat with. Not best friends, but real connections that added something to her life.
And then, of course, the pandemic happened. And we all lost a lot of those loose ties.
Which might be part of why so many of us are struggling right now.
What Your Body Does When You’re Chronically Disconnected
Let’s talk about what actually happens physiologically when you’re lonely and disconnected for extended periods.
Dr. Zarya explained it to me like this:
When you’re stressed (which chronic loneliness absolutely is), your body releases cortisol. That’s fine in the short term; it’s meant to help you deal with immediate threats.
But sustained high cortisol levels? That’s not sustainable.
“Your body kicks in and says, ‘Oh no, that’s no good. We’re going to drop the cortisol way down,’” she explained. This is the concept of adrenal fatigue or hypo-adrenal syndrome.
Your body is trying to protect you from chronic stress, but it can result in all kinds of other issues.
Like:
- ▪️ Chronic inflammation
- ▪️ Weakened immune function
- ▪️ Gut problems
- ▪️ Sleep issues
- ▪️ Anxiety and depression
- ▪️ Autoimmune conditions
- ▪️ And on and on
“If your labs look ‘normal’ but they’re not checking all these other things,” Dr. Zarya said, “you’re just going to get chalked up to ‘you’re anxious’ or ‘you’re stressed’ or ‘maybe you have a little depression.’ Take these pills, be on your merry way.”
But what if the root cause isn’t a chemical imbalance? What if it’s a connection deficit?
The Coffee Shop Prescription
So what does Dr. Zarya actually “prescribe” when someone’s Vitamin J is low?
She starts by asking: What did you love doing as a kid? When’s the last time you did something you really enjoyed?
Sometimes people light up talking about something (knitting, painting, hiking, whatever) and she’ll ask: “Well, why haven’t you done that lately?”
The answers are usually some version of: “I don’t have time” or “I wouldn’t know where to start” or “Everything shut down during the pandemic.”
And then she helps them problem-solve.
For the patient who loved knitting: “Have you looked into knitting circles in your area? Check Facebook, check Meetup groups. Even if it’s just a crafting workshop at an art supply store once a month: that’s a starting point.”
For someone who’s been isolated: “Pick a coffee shop. Go there regularly. Strike up a conversation with someone.”
She even recommended a whole Mel Robbins podcast episode about choosing the RIGHT coffee shop for what you’re looking for:
- ▪️ The diner if you want quick, friendly service
- ▪️ The boutique shop if you want to get work done
- ▪️ The local hipster spot if you want to meet people
- ▪️ Starbucks if you just need to get in and out
The point is: You have to actually GO somewhere. You’re not going to meet anyone sitting in your house.
And here’s a story that proves it works:
Dr. Zarya was at a coffee shop recently (not one she goes to regularly). A woman was there with the cutest dog. They struck up a conversation about their dogs. The woman invited her to sit at her table. They exchanged phone numbers.
“She’s my mom’s age and I’m her kid’s age,” Dr. Zarya laughed. “But it was so great. It set the tone for the whole day: like, oh wow, I can connect with other humans in my world. It makes the world feel a little less bleak and isolating.”
That’s the power of one small interaction.
In the full episode, we talk about even more practical ways to increase your Vitamin J, including Dr. Zarya’s experience at adult camps (yes, really!) and how she made a new best friend in her 50s. If you’re thinking “but HOW do I actually do this,” the conversation is full of specific, actionable ideas.
The Technology Barrier We Need to Talk About
Here’s something that’s making all of this harder: We’re all walking around with AirPods in, staring at our phones, looking down at screens.
There’s no eye contact. No connection. We look completely unavailable.
Dr. Zarya brought this up and I immediately thought of my own small-but-important habit:
When I’m walking within a small radius of my house (like the last five minutes of my walk or the first five minutes), I take my AirPods out.
That’s it. That’s the whole strategy.
But here’s why it matters: I look more open to connection.
If someone’s in their yard or walking by, I’m more likely to say hello. I’m more likely to notice them. They’re more likely to approach me.
It’s such a tiny shift. But if your goal is to know the families who live around you, to feel more connected to your neighborhood, to build those loose ties, this one small action moves you toward that goal.
“Everyone’s on their phone, everyone’s looking at a screen,” Dr. Zarya said. “It makes it a lot harder to talk to people in real life.”
Yes, you can make connections online (and those can be valuable!). But there really is something to be said for in-person, real-life human connection.
When She Made A New Best Friend At 50
Here’s a story that’s going to give you hope:
Dr. Zarya made a huge commitment this past year to reconnect with the part of herself that needs friendship and joy. She’d been feeling that gaping hole from the pandemic, from moving so much, from having all her deep connections scattered around the world.
So she did something bold: She went to an adult camp.
Yes, you read that right. Adult camp. It’s called Camp Yes, run by Marli Williams, and it’s a women’s empowerment and leadership retreat.
“I’m not going to lie, it was a big ‘put myself out there’ moment,” she told me. “I’m getting on a plane and going to Mexico with a bunch of strangers.”
But she went. And she made a new best friend.
“You think it’s not possible; I’m not going to be making new best friends in my 50s,” she said. “But we talk every single day on WhatsApp. She’s come and stayed at my house. We’re meeting up again in Mexico.”
She wasn’t the only one. There were about 15 women on the retreat, and multiple pairs of women formed incredibly deep bonds. So deep that when they went on another retreat together a few months later with new people, everyone assumed they’d been friends for 20 years.
“We all just met each other in January,” Dr. Zarya said. “It’s May now. People couldn’t believe it.”
But here’s what I love about this story: She didn’t just hope friendship would happen. She actively sought it out. She invested time, money, and energy into putting herself in an environment where connection was likely.
And it worked.
The Permission You Didn’t Know You Needed
There’s a book Dr. Zarya loves called “Find Your Unicorn Space” by Eve Rodsky. The whole premise is this:
As women (though this applies to many people), we convince ourselves that we always have to be serving some purpose or doing something for somebody else. Doing something just for our own enjoyment feels selfish.
So the book says: Carve out time and space to do something that has NO value, no purpose, no financial compensation, nothing aside from your own personal enjoyment.
Not because it might turn into a side hustle. Not because it’s “productive.” Just because it brings you joy.
This is your Vitamin J. And it’s not selfish; it’s essential healthcare.
Dr. Zarya put it perfectly: “If we don’t make the time and take the time for our little bubble of joy and our connection, we’re not going to have the capacity to do the other things.”
The dishes will always be there. The lawn will always need mowing. The work emails will keep coming.
But if you don’t feed your need for connection and joy, you won’t have the capacity to do any of those other things well.
What This Looked Like For Her (And Could Look Like For You)
Dr. Zarya gave me a perfect example of how this plays out in real life.
Her daughter has been really sick recently. Missing school. Life has been tough and bleak.
But this past weekend, she got to go to TWO social events (rare for her with a young kid and busy life):
Friday night: A benefit for her choir (yes, she sings in a choir; remember that data about singing protecting against depression and Alzheimer’s?). There was a costume contest. A gay couple dressed as “Barbenheimer” with a nuclear explosion on one hand and Barbie dolls on the other. They won. It was hilarious and joyful.
Saturday: A photo exhibition at a winery for “40 Over 40”: 40 women over age 40 who did a photoshoot and created this whole exhibit. She got to meet all these amazing women, connect on a deeper level, drink wine in a beautiful setting.
“I literally could notice the difference in how I felt physically, mentally, psychologically,” she told me. “I wasn’t tired. I wasn’t anxious. Not much else had changed in my circumstances; my kid was still struggling. But it was such a great experience to be social again, to be with other people, to be out there having fun.”
That’s the power of Vitamin J.
Your Actual Prescription (Yes, Really)
So let’s get practical. If you were Dr. Zarya’s patient and your Vitamin J was low, here’s what she might prescribe:
1. Pick a coffee shop and become a regular
Choose one that aligns with what you’re looking for (quick service vs. lingering vs. meeting people). Go regularly. Strike up conversations.
2. Take your AirPods out
Especially when you’re close to home. Look available for connection.
3. Find an activity you loved as a kid
What brought you joy before you had all these adult responsibilities? Can you do that again? Even just once a month?
4. Look for groups around your interests
Knitting circles. Hiking groups. Book clubs. Volunteer organizations. Adult camps (!). They exist. You just have to look.
5. Say yes to one thing that scares you
A retreat with strangers. A class where you’ll be bad at something. A party where you won’t know anyone. Just one thing.
6. Join a choir
Seriously. The data on singing in groups is wild. And you don’t have to be good!
7. Get a dog
Okay, this one’s a big commitment. But Dr. Zarya can’t walk anywhere without meeting 100 people now. Dogs are social connection magnets.
8. Make it a routine
Like flossing. Just build it into your life as a non-negotiable health practice.
“Consider it like flossing,” Dr. Zarya said. “Whatever. Just make it part of your routine and see what happens.”
Why This Matters More Than You Think
Here’s what I want you to really hear:
We live in a society that tells us connection is a luxury. Something nice to have if you have time after you’ve done all the “important” things.
But the science is clear: Connection IS one of the important things. Maybe THE most important thing for long-term health and longevity.
You can optimize your diet, your exercise routine, your sleep hygiene, your supplements, but if you’re lonely and disconnected, you’re still going to struggle.
And here’s the thing that Dr. Zarya and I both see: A lot of people who are doing “everything right” and still feel terrible are missing this piece.
They’ve cut out gluten. They’re doing HIIT workouts. They’re taking all the right supplements. But they’re isolated. They’re stressed. They have no joy in their lives.
And then they wonder why they still feel like crap.
The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
Here’s what happens when we don’t prioritize connection:
We don’t make time for it. We get more isolated. We get rustier at social skills. It feels harder to put ourselves out there. So we don’t. We get more isolated. And on and on.
It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. The less you do it, the less connection you have. The more you do it, the more likely you are to find somebody great.
And yes, it’s uncomfortable at first. Especially post-pandemic when we’ve all forgotten how to talk to people.
But as Dr. Zarya said: “We’ve become very wary of people and strangers. But I would say, for the most part, talking to strangers can be a really great thing.”
You just have to take the first step.
What Your Doctor Should Be Asking
Let me close with this:
Imagine if at your next doctor’s appointment, your doctor asked:
- ▪️ How’s your Vitamin J?
- ▪️ When’s the last time you spent quality time with friends?
- ▪️ Do you have people you can talk to about difficult things?
- ▪️ Do you feel connected to your community?
- ▪️ What are you doing that brings you joy?
And then actually listened to your answers and treated low social connection as seriously as high cholesterol.
That’s what functional medicine does. That’s what Dr. Zarya does.
But you don’t have to wait for your doctor to prescribe this. You can prescribe it for yourself.
Because at the end of the day, a healthy support system IS the ultimate self-care.
It makes everything else easier: your physical health, your mental health, your ability to handle stress, your capacity to show up for your life.
So go to the coffee shop. Take your AirPods out. Say yes to something that scares you. Join the choir. Make the friend.
Your health (and your life) might depend on it.
Want to hear the full conversation about the physiological impacts of connection? Listen to my episode with Dr. Zarya Rubin on the Friendship IRL podcast, and make sure to subscribe for more conversations about why connection matters. You can also find Dr. Zarya at drzarya.com and check out her resources on burnout.
How’s YOUR Vitamin J? What’s one thing you’re going to do this week to increase it?
